Dad Update 1st Feb. 2012
Went with Dad to the chemo clinic today. He has been having a rough go of it because he is finding it hard to eat. He can swallow fine, but the food doesn't go down the esophagus properly, as it is not flexing as it should. Dad says it feels as if he has a bubble in his throat that won't let the food down. Last night he didn't eat anything because of this bubble. This morning he ate fine! Even taking his pills and water has been a challenge.
We talked to the oncologist today, and she said Dad should take a break from the chemo for a couple of weeks. The last CT scan was good, and she said the small lumps in his liver are gone. There is a bit of thickening in the area of the lower esophagus where the tumor is, but that's not necessarily growth, but probably scar tissue from the brachytheraphy. The scope showed no blockage of the esophagus, and the biopsy showed no active cancer cells. He may need another bit of radiation, if that doctor thinks it would be useful.
That was the good news.
Here is the bad news: Dad must be on chemo indefinitely, possibly for the rest of his life. The oncologist said people can be on chemo for years, but she added that this won't be Dad's case, suggesting that he doesn't have years.
Dad came home and went straight to bed. He is emotionally and physically drained. He feels as if he's losing the battle, and today's information, although good, wasn't what he wanted to hear.
My Dad is a realist, always has been. He isn't the kind of person to focus on some abstract thoughts of getting well and beating this. I don't know how to keep him thinking positively.
I don't know if I can keep thinking positively.
The major thing in my mind right now is: FUCK CANCER!
I was really focusing on Dad getting through this cancer in 2012, being able to take that trip up north to visit his friends, and living into his 90s like his mum. I was focusing on Dad being ok so I could head to Egypt this year. I was focusing on him surviving this so all would be ok.
After taking care of my mother for years, I thought finally I'd be able to make a life for myself. I thought there would still be time for me. I'm not old, but I'm not young either, and life is passing by. I want to go to Egypt for a few months, to really get into the culture and art, and to help with the horses. But it looks as if that won't happen now.
And I am wracked with guilt at even thinking this way.
How do I keep Dad's spirits up, keep him looking positively forward? How do I find a way to keep him eating? How do I handle him losing weight, losing energy, losing enthusiasm? How do I stand by and watch him let go because he doesn't have the energy to fight anymore? I watched my mother whither away and die. I'm not sure I can do this again. I'm not sure I have the strength.
But I will do it... somehow... because I have to. There's no one else to do it.
FUCK CANCER!