I am Tallulah

I am feeling very pissed off right now and since this is my blog, I am going to rant! So, if you don't want to read a rant, stop reading now. 

The chat room tonight was almost more than I could take. Explain to me why someone who is supposed to be an adult chooses to come into a room and deliberately cause trouble? This isn't one of your normal idiots. This is a person who is intelligent and educated. Their only problem: they can't shut the fuck up! They seem predisposed to spewing forth just for the hell of it.

That is what happened tonight. She chose to stir up trouble with a friend and myself. We weren't even chatting in the room, but were listed there. It was like waving a red flag in front of my friend who ended up responding to the comments. Eventually I had to comment. I know I shouldn't have, but sometimes you just need to stand up and be heard. She is the significant other of my former friend, the one I wrote about in an earlier post. As I stated then they can say what they want about me, but they had no right to trash S. and I told the two of them that tonight, then left the harpy to continue flapping her gums. I had my say. Now I've done with her and her significant other.

The whole thing left me shaking with anger and that's not a place I like to be. I don't like angry confrontations because they consume so much energy and they are not worth the effort. After this little brouhaha I am seriously considering walking away from chat altogether. Problem is, there are a few people I would miss. The idiots are a mild distraction and can be amusing at times, but sometimes you find a few people who you genuinely WANT to chat to, and some go on to become good friends -- although, then you sometimes find out that the "good friend" isn't... but I digress. So I guess I will take the next week or so and decide whether it's worth staying in this chat room or to use another room. Problem is, no one will come in to S.'s room, probably because of the crap that's been said about him behind back, and if they believe what someone tells them instead of forming their own opinions, then are they really worth having around?

Guess it's time for some soul searching.

I know one thing: I don't want to participate in another argument like tonight. What a waste of an hour of my life! 

I did it. I signed up to the National Novel Writing Month ( www. nanowrimo.org ) to put myself through kamakazii writing for one month. My name there is TallieBear, and I've managed a little over 1100 words tonight.

A friend said she was signing up to have a go at it and why didn't I join her. So, I did. And, as misery does love company, I have roped another writing friend into the fray, and maybe one more if she signs up. Anyone else interested, get over and register and let me know your nick so I can add you to the list and we can support one another in this foolish attempt to come up with 50,000 words strung together to form some sort of coherent novel all within a months' time.

Oh yes, we writers are a crazy bunch of people!

I've posted the first three chapters of my nanowrimo novel here, and will continue to post chapters. Feel free to check them out, in the Contents section (see left hand side of page). So far I have written 4149 words towards the goal of 50,000. Yes, I do have a long way to go.

Also, if you read, please keep in mind this is a rough draft, completely unedited. That is the whole point of this month long exercise. To force writers to simply write and not edit as they go along. The editing process will happen afterwards.

I have no idea where this novel is going. Am winging it here, and this is definitely a new way of writing for me. Not sure I like it, but I am committed to hanging in there to see where it leads.

Wooooo Hoooooo! Posted Chapter four!

Have 5610 words done. Only 44,390 to go! 

NaNoWriMo update:   8045 words, 5 chapters. Only 41,955 words to go.

Apparently by this point I should have 20,000 words done.  Not going to happen, but will keep forging ahead.

Tonight I have managed to complete 10,012 words in my novel! Six chapters are written; only 39,988 words to go! That number doesn't sound as daunting as 50,000.

If you're curious, check out the chapters in my Contents Pages.

Please remember that this is a rough draft. It will need mega-polishing before it's done.

... and I'm feeling blue. This week has been a wash-out.

My laptop seems to have bitten the dust: all I get is the Acer screen and when I press F2 to enter setup, nothing happens. I never got around to backing up my lappy and now I am afraid all my photos from the summer will be lost. I am so angry with myself right now. Have to take it in to be looked at on Saturday but I fear the worst.

Haven't written a thing on my novel. Haven't been able to concentrate on it and I am falling behind.

The shop idea seems a bust right now. There is no room until January and that will be too late for any possible Christmas shopping. I doubt I will be able to afford to rent another shop that is available in town. Ebay sales are flat and I can't afford to keep amassing fees. So much for liquidating my assets to pay on my credit card.

As things stand now I will be forced to use my savings to pay off my credit card so I don't get stuck with the growing interest added each month. I didn't want to touch that money but it doesn't look like I have much choice. I still have to pay the rest of my insurance, need to get Spunky neutered, pay Bella's feed bill, get my tooth fixed, and get new glasses.

How will I ever be able to save up to even return to the UK this summer? The computers S. and I had on ebay have not sold either. That was an additional $3000 on my credit card I didn't need!

I am depressed.

To add to my misery, I have only heard from S. once this week. He's exhausted when he finishes work and I understand that it is hard, what with the time difference, to be online to chat. I've sent him emails and try to stay in touch daily, but I know it's harder for him. Plus, it's getting to be that difficult time of year for him. I understand all this, but I miss him.

Am feeling alone here, over-burdened, frustrated, and at a loss for what to do. Seems fate is conspiring to keep me in this hole, no matter how many great ideas I come up with to get free of it.

I wish S. and pets could move here, but that's impossible too.

I don't know what I will do. Right now I want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head. I've struggled all week to remain optimistic, in spite of everything, but today I kind of gave in to a bit of self-pity and ate too many chocolate chip cookies. Was going to go into the chat room for a bit of camaraderie, but can't be bothered with that either.

My lappy is fine... for the time being. Took it to the IT guy at Staples and he turned it on, did an alt F10 or something like that, and presto, my lappy was working again! He said obviously there is something not right and should be fixed soon, like a re-install of Windows XP, but I'll deal with that later. Came home Sunday and backed up all my files. Actually backed up my photo file in two locations. Went to do a system backup using Nero, and all was going well until I got to backing up the Windows file...things weren't backing up properly. So....... I am going to do a system backup without backing up Windows, as that seems to be where the problem is, and then when I do a re-install of windows, and the subsequent installation of all the gazillion updates to windows online, including the SP2, I can then re-install everything else from the backed up dvd. That's the plan, anyway.

I am puzzled about what to do regarding my financial situation. The store space that was supposed to be available now is NOT available, and there won't be any available in that building until after Christmas. January is the worst month to start a boutique business as no one spends during the winter months after Christmas. There is a shop available in town, but the rent will be more than I want to spend. Besides, the point of all this is to make money not spend it. I have lots to sell and it would be great to have a boutique, but my goal is to unload stuff and make money so I can go back to the UK. So getting stuck in with a shop would be counterproductive to that goal. So what do I do with the pile of great items stacked in my lounge? I need to sell them, need the money, but don't know the best way of accomplishing the goal.

Had the thought in the wee hours of this morning to investigate setting up an ebay shop. That way, I could sell the items that I just want to get rid of at any price on ebay, such as the pinback buttons, and some vintage items that might net a good price at auction, and then get my ass in gear and set up my website, with a virtual boutique to sell the other items, along with my art. I could shut the boutique when I'm in the UK, or just post UK items and sell those items when I am living in the UK, and sell the Canadian items when I am back in Canada. Going to give this idea some serious thought and see if I can manage to create a website. I am so over my head when it comes to that, but I can learn!

Also, I am sadly behind in my novel. I have to manage to write 20,000 words a week for the next two weeks if I want to finish the contest. So, I will be focusing on that goal and won't be chatting or writing here much. Hope you've had a chance to read the first seven chapters. Yes, it needs re-writing... desperately! But it's a start, and that's further than I have ever gotten with a novel before.

Hope you all are pursuing your dreams too. Onward and upward!