I am Tallulah

27^th June, 2007

Merylin and Bob arrived at the house 4:30 p.m. to take me to the airport, a two-hour drive to Toronto. Traffic was pretty heavy, as was my heart.  Leaving the house was very difficult and I felt myself getting rather emotional. Still, I managed to keep it all together with a minimum of sniffles and leaky eyes.

Arrived in plenty of time at Pearson International Airport. I left a card with some money inside for Bob as I know gas is expensive these days. Again felt a bit weak and leaky-eyed as I said goodbye to them and carried my backpack and luggage inside the airport.

Pearson is a rather daunting place and I felt suddenly very alone and small. Still, I didn’t allow that to deter me and set off to find my check in spot.  I thought I would see many people travelling alone but saw more couples and families. I kept my focus and tried to look like a seasoned traveler instead of a panicky newbie.

After getting my boarding pass I had to pass through carry-on screening. I was thinking this would be a scary process after reading about it online, but I must have done my packing correctly because I had no difficulties. I was glad I didn’t bring my single backpack, as I don’t think it would have fit into their size restrictions, even though the measurements say it would have. The size of carryon bags seemed smaller than my backpack. I was amazed at how many people had more than one checked bag too.

I had about four hours before the flight so I wandered around a bit, took some photos of the planes from the window, and then sat down in the flight waiting area.

The main problem with flying solo is that you are alone inside your head for too many hours. At least, that is my problem. I had too much time to hear my own self-doubts and began to feel really lonely. With no one to talk to, it was a rather solitary experience and not as much fun. Still, I had committed myself to this journey so, regardless of my insecurities that threatened to reduce me to tears, I was determined to stay on this journey.

We boarded the plane and were sitting waiting for everything to be completed by the ground crew. My seat was in the rear area of the plane. I began to feel very uneasy, and in my mind I kept saying: get off this plane now, before it’s too late! I chalked it up to jitters as I’d never flown before, but the feeling of panic was beginning to grow inside me. I wondered whether people would think I was mad if I suddenly stood up and left the plane. I stared out the window to hide the tears flowing down my cheeks as the panic inside me grew. What the hell was I doing flying thousands of miles away? I must be mad, I thought.

Whilst sitting there we heard this very loud crash below us. No one said anything but I wondered to myself whether that was a normal sound. Then we heard the announcement. One of the ground crew’s vehicles had hit the plane. We were going to have to disembark and wait in the lounge so they could assess the damages and determine what would happen next. A wave of calm swept over me.

In the lounge we were told that Air Transat would have to determine whether we would be able to leave tonight or have to wait until tomorrow. I phoned home to let my dad and brother know what was going on. No doubt, after my earlier phone call expressing my loneliness, this news wasn’t much better for them. They were worried about me, and told me they wouldn’t think less of me if I decided to come home. I couldn’t do that. I had to wait and see what would happen next, I told them.

About an hour later we were informed that there was no plane available that night and we would have to go home or to a hotel for the night. Because I lived over an hour away I opted for a limo and hotel voucher. This would be my first hotel room!

Outside the airport we all stood around waiting for a ride to the hotels. A couple of nice people managed to get a limo and asked me to join them. At the hotel we were given rooms and told that we would have to return to the airport in the morning for breakfast vouchers. I took the advice of one of the other passengers and called the limo company to arrange a ride in the morning.

I went into the hotel lounge, at around 2 a.m., to use the wireless internet hotspot and contacted my brother. We chatted a bit and I assured him I was ok. Another girl came to the lounge to use her laptop computer too. After about an hour, after arranging a wakeup call for 7:30 a.m.,  I went to my room.

It wasn’t a posh place by any stretch, but it was clean. A double bed, desk, sofa, television, and bathroom. After getting cleaned up I turned the television on and climbed into bed. I knew I wouldn’t sleep much but at least I could rest up.

28^th June, 2007

Woke up at 7 a.m. and decided to just get ready and leave the room. Others had done the same thing and were milling about downstairs in the lobby. It was sunny outside so I took my coffee and waited outside for my limo. In the meantime another couple of gentlemen had come out too and a limo pulled up. The driver said we didn’t have to wait for our limos as they would simply pick up anyone who was available, so we three got into the limo and headed for the airport.

There were quite a few already waiting there when we arrived. We were given a food voucher and told that the plane would be leaving at 10 a.m. instead of 11 a.m. which we had been told the night before. While waiting in line to re-check in I conversed with a gentleman from Toronto who had travelled extensively. He regaled me with tidbits of his trips and expressed surprise that this was my first trip. He said he thought I was a seasoned traveler by the way I talked. I thought to myself that I must be pretty good at keeping my fears hidden.

After a quick breakfast of fake eggs and microwave bacon, we finally went through the baggage check again and I boarded the new plane. This time the panic I had felt the night before was gone. I didn’t feel like bolting from the plane and I didn’t shed any tears. The passenger who sat beside me the night before was not on the plane this morning so I had the seat to myself.  I had spoken to my brother online that morning before I left the hotel and told him I was going to continue my journey and that all would be ok. I believed it this time.

The only moment of panic I had was when the plane started to rev up the engines to prepare for takeoff. I was amazed at the power of those engines! Then the taxi down the runway made me a bit scared as did the initial lift-off. My ears popped and I remembered the hard candy Merylin had given me and popped it in my mouth and swallowed a few times.

From that point on it was the droning of the engines mixed with the air circulation. Note to self: next flight, take ear plugs! Even watching the movie was a bit hard to hear because of the noise in the cabin. We endured three separate periods of turbulence, one lasting a half hour. That was a bit disconcerting. I actually gripped the arms of my seat a few times!

We arrive in Manchester around 10 p.m.  We had to endure a very long wait through customs as there was only one customs agent at the desk that time of night. Everyone was late for their connecting flights or rides, but Air Transat had not provided anything for those people, so we were forced to sit in the airport all night. I made my way to the train station only to find that I had missed the last train to Grimsby. So I returned to the lounge. I used a pay phone to call Simon to tell him I was in Manchester but couldn’t get to Grimsby until the next day. I was tired, frazzled and emotional and poor Simon didn’t know what to say to help ease my upset. He didn’t know that it was enough to just have someone to talk to at that moment, and that it helped enormously.

I found some seats and parked myself and my luggage to wait until morning. I was joined by the woman from the hotel lobby, the one who came down to use the internet too. We got talking and it turned out we were both writers. She works part time for Amnesty International and had travelled extensively. I enjoyed hearing about her trips and her work. As I listened, I realized that I had nothing to worry about. I was smart, clever enough not to take unnecessary chances, and quite capable of handling this delay in my travel plans.

29^th June, 2007

At 5 a.m. I went to the train station and boarded the train for Grimsby. I was informed that, due to the flooding, we would have to disembark the train at Sheffield and would be taken by bus the rest of the route.

It didn’t take long to reach Sheffield station. The train announcer stated that we would be disembarking and catching the bus. However, he neglected to say where the bus would be waiting or how long we had to reach the bus. I tried to find the conductor but he dashed off the train and up a flight of stairs. I followed but lost him. I tried to get help from a number of people at both the train and bus stations but no one seemed to have any definitive idea about this bus. I waited about three quarters of an hour and became very agitated. How much more could go wrong with this journey?  Finally I decided I’d had enough of this stupidity and got a taxi.

The taxi driver was very nice, and asked me what part of America I was from. I told him I was not American but Canadian, and he was very pleased about that. Said he hoped to visit Canada in the near future because he heard we have great fishing there.

As he drove, very fast, down the motorways, I looked at the UK countryside and tried to fathom that I was actually in England, a place I’d dreamed of coming to for years. I was exhausted, frustrated, and all I wanted to do was reach Simon’s place and a friendly face.

Along the way the taxi driver informed me that he was almost out of gas. Apparently it didn’t dawn on him to fuel up before we left Sheffield. To make matters worse, we were on a portion of the motorway that did not have any service stations. More fun! We finally found a station and he pulled in. Asked me if I had a “tenner” for petrol! Fortunately I did.

We reached Grimsby and after navigating a maze of winding streets into suburbia, we found 64 Wootton Road, and Simon’s house. As Simon came outside to greet me, I paid the driver £131 – most of the cash I had brought with me for my trip. I got a receipt. I will be contacting British Rail for compensation for the terrible customer service I received and the loss of my train trip.

My first face to face meeting with Simon was not what we had expected but at least I was ‘home’.  After some chit chat and a hot cuppa tea, Simon left me to catch some much needed sleep.

I had the flat to myself for part of today as Simon went with his brother. Took Lucy out for a walk and she managed to slip out of her collar. Thankfully she is a very good doggie and came to me when I called her. I was horrified that something would happen to her and it would break Simon’s heart.

It has taken me over 20 years to get to England. I sat here today marveling at the reality that I am really here! It feels so normal. I did grocery shopping online at Tescos, and it felt normal. I could easily live here. Well, not in this part of Grimsby because I am not a city girl and hate having so many people and houses around me. If I could find a smaller town, and live on the outskirts, with open fields and my nearest neighbor far enough away, I’d be a happy camper!

A few days ago a friend asked me if I was homesick. I told her no and she was surprised. I do worry about the pets, but I am online with my brother daily so it isn’t as if I have no contact with home.

I am facing a bit of a question mark, however. Although I made plans to go to Switzerland from the UK, I am seriously considering remaining here for August. I still have people I want to see, and quite frankly, my desire to go anywhere else is just not there. I have spent my life trying to get here, so why would I want to leave now?

This weekend will be spent deciding whether to continue on to Switzerland at the end of July, or stay in the UK. Yes, I have spent money on the planes and trains to get to Switzerland, but I would be saving the rental of the studio, and the extra travel money that will need to be spent. I could go to Ireland and see Barry, or to Plymouth and see Scott, or I could just do what I’ve been doing, and LIVE, right here. After all, living in the UK  is what I wanted to do, and I’m doing it.

For the past 6 months I spent all my energy planning this trip, every detail, every step on the journey. What I didn’t plan on is how I would feel. How much I would feel at home here, even in Grimsby. Part of this is due to Simon who has taken such good care of me, waited on me, and been quietly supportive of whatever I wanted to do. I would love to spend August in the countryside, but barring that, spending it in the UK may be exactly what I need. I planned too much. Nicolas told me to stop planning and I will take that to heart from now on. I needed to keep it simple and this whole trip has gotten complicated. There is no peace in complication and I desperately need peace.

So I must make a decision, and then keep it simple.