Wednesday afternoon
Haven't written anything in a while because I haven't had anything worthwhile to say. I've been trying to put on a good face, to move forward, but then there are days like today when all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep my life away. Not the stuff I really want the world to know about me. However, the point of a journal is to write, whether that writing be good or bad, positive or negative, so here it is.
Hurt my back - again - and was four days in pain. Today it feels better. Have been putting the heating pad on it for hours at a time and will keep doing it until the last little pain is gone. I think part of the problem was from the air conditioning, and getting cold into the muscles. It's happened before, and no doubt will happen again.
I did wonder whether the intense lower back pain could be caused by stress within the body. You just keep absorbing all the pain and sorrow in life and the stresses from that build up in the body until it manifests itself in a physical pain. The emotional manifests itself in the physical. Who know.
Working in the barn is unbelievably painful. I see Chance's empty enclosure, and even though I've moved everything out of there, seeing it there breaks my heart. I miss him so much. I regret not taking more photos of him, not getting some video of him, and most of all, not taking better care of him. I'll never forgive myself for that.
I have been asking God what the point is in all this. What lesson am I supposed to learn? Is this all pre-ordained, or random. And is there any point to prayer, or believing in anything? The bible says "ask and ye shall receive", but that is not true! Since my mother died I've been questioning all my beliefs. I've come to the conclusion that everything we're taught about religion is just meant to keep us going, to give us something to hold on to, to placate us. I don't want to be placated! I want the truth! Why waste time on meaningless platitudes? Why continue to believe in something that is not true?
I still believe in a higher power, in whatever name you choose to give that power. I'm just not sure of the words anymore.