I am Tallulah

Did a little computer housework tonight. Downloaded the newest Spyware Blaster, updated Spybot, updated Ad-Aware and LiveUpdate. Then I decided to check Firefox and discovered there was a newer version so I downloaded that. Decided to look at the little ad-in stuff and found something called Sage, an RSS reader, so I downloaded that. Then I added my tabby journal to my list, double clicked on it, and PRESTO! There was my journal!

Long story short: I have an RSS reader now. Don't know really how that will change my life, but I feel as if I had a micro-mini epiphany. 

I really do need to get a life.

Checked my AdSense account and find I have made a whopping 24 cents. I have very few readers to my Writingup.com blog, and it isn't making anything to justify the extra time to write there.

One blogger at Writingup.com mentioned another blogging site where you can earn 50% of the revenue generated by the ads placed on your page. Blogcharm.com seems to offer more than Writingup.com, including templates. Lots of what they offer we have here on Tabulas, and I guess I've gotten a bit spoiled here and really want something equally as creative for any blog I write to make some money. 

Before I jump ship from Writingup.com to Blogcharm.com I am wondering whether I have anything worth writing about anymore. Should I keep the title 'The Daily Grind' and if I do what would I write about? On Writingup.com one of their tutorials suggests writing about what you know, what you are an expert at, what you enjoy, what you have experience with. I honestly have nothing to fill those criterias. Writing here is easy, or relatively so, because I write whatever is in my head at that moment; more like a real journal, but not necessarily anything that will generate readers. My readers here are mostly friends, or those who have become friends within the Tabulas family. 

I've been reading other blogs on other sites and some are well-done; others are feeble attempts to lure readers/clicks on ads, or meant for friends and family only. Some are truly clever, such as Diary of a Ginger Tom Cat, and Yorkshire Pudding. I am quite enjoying my journey through new blogs.

What frustrates me is that I am supposed to be a writer but have been dealing with this writer's block thingy for almost two years. There is a topic I could write about but it would be very emotional for me and right now I am not sure I want to go there. I always thought I would write about this topic one day, but am I ready share those memories? Perhaps they would be better kept for a book.

One thing I don't want to write about is the sad how-to blogs that pass for "expert advice" I see dotting the blog-o-shere. There are impressionable people who believe what they read, and I shudder to think some are being misled by well-meaning but misguided writers passing for experts. That is one reason why I hesitate to write an advice blog. I am always being asked for advice and thought perhaps to write about that, but what happens if someone takes advice I may have glibly tossed out and something horrid happens? That is a huge responsibility and one I do not take lightly.

At any rate I shall sleep on the issue of what to blog-for-pay about and see what I turn up.  One thing I do know, I shall be ending my association with Writingup.com soon. It has been disappointing to say the least and at some point will I have to admit the experiment must come to an end.

At the urging of our new mate, Ferdi, we have decided to commandeer the computer from She-who-would-wish-to-be-obeyed, and have a wee chat.

When we say WE, we are referring of course to: Maia, Sasha, Miguel, and me, Spunky. The house cats. I get to type because I am better at it than the others.

It has been a tough week here because Maia has been sick. Last week she was drooling and couldn't close her mouth. Now I don't get to hang out with Maia at all. Miguel says it has something to do with me being "a prince" still. I have no idea what he's on about but he says I will find out sooner or later. 

Anyway, from our vantage point in the laundry room we could see Maia drooling and looking ever so miserable. When we asked her what was wrong she slobbered something about feeling "like rotten kitty litter" and to bugger off. Not like her at all! She has always been rather sweet to me through the room barrier, although she did try and nip me once. It wasn't my fault... I just tried to nibble her neck! Really! She might have been a bit nicer about the whole thing.

What? Oh, sorry... Sasha just snarked at me about getting on with it. 

We knew something was amiss when She-who-would-wish-to-be-obeyed pulled out the little brown carry box and put clean papers into it with a blanket. I tried immediately to climb in thinking she was making up a bed for me.

*** Aside from Miguel:  Spunky thinks EVERYTHING is about him.  Hey! I can tpye too... oops, type... ***

Sasha says Maia was put into the carry box and taken out of the house. Sasha was a bit afraid about this because she used to live outside the house and wasn't much happy about that. She has many stories to tell of living in a cold barn with other animals. So when Maia left the house she thought maybe she might never come back.

But she did come back, and for a while looked just awful, with drool hanging from her mouth. She started pawing the water in the water dish until she had half emptied it on the floor. We all thought she was going to get what for from She-who-would-wish-to-be-obeyed, but no... just a cuddle, and the floor was cleaned up. Wish I got that when I emptied half the litter pan on the floor. All I get is a "Spunky! What did you do?"

Twice a day She-who-would-wish-to-be-obeyed and Fuzzy-Human take a towel, wrap Maia in it, and hold her down to give her this white liquid. Sasha says it is medicine to make Maia feel better, but Maia really isn't pleased. She flings her four legs in all directions, claws flashing, teeth barred, as She-who-would-wish-to-be-obeyed holds her head tilted back and gives her this medicine. 

The good news is that Maia has stopped drooling. She still holds her mouth open a wee bit, but she says she is feeling much better. I would be feeling pretty good too if I was being fed special food. It is fish and it smells really good. Now when Maia comes near the room barrier I want to smell her breath. Heaaaavenly!!!!!!

That's pretty much all the excitement we have had lately. Right now Sasha has retired to her chair, thoroughly bored with all this typing. Even the little movements on the screen don't amuse her anymore. Miguel has left the room, too, but I know it's because he wanted to get the good bed. That's okay. I'll let him think he's got one on me. Then, when he's not looking, I'll jump on his back and bite him really good. He'll meow a lot and then I'll jump off and sit looking all innocent when She-who-would-wish-to-be-obeyed comes to see what has happened. Why? Because I'm Spunky!! 

Now, whilst no one is looking, I think I'll have a wee surf over to ebay and see what sorts of kitty toys are available. Just gotta look for the credit card... 

It has been over a month that I have been writing at WritingUp.com. I have earned a whopping 27 cents. Pathetic, isn't it! I think it is safe to say the Great Blog Experiment there has been a complete flop.

Whilst there, however, I did happen to read about Blogcharm.com, and I checked into it. Seems there is a bit more chance of making some money there, and one doesn't have to beg for ad clicks. Not really sure how much could be made at this site, but I have decided to jump ship from WritingUp.com to Blogcharm.com and give it a go. 

No, dear readers, I am not leaving Tabulas. Hell and high water could not get me to leave this wonderful site. This new blog will be another experiment to discover if I can actually make a few farthings from blogging.

The nice thing about Blogcharm compared to WritingUp, aside from the money issue, is the templates that one can choose from. They are, by no means, as lovely as MY template here, but they are far better than the ugly layout of WritingUp, which assaulted my creative senses each time I logged on or posted an entry.

If you are curious, check out Tallullah Speaks. The focus will be pretty generic for the time being, so I can get a feel for what might interest readers. The more who read my blog, the more I make. Not a bad deal, perhaps? Not sure how the adverts will be placed on the page. Apparently I can also utilize my AdSense, too. I think I will wait and see just how the ads look before adding more commercial felgarcarb to my pages.

If you visit, please leave a comment. So far there is nothing you haven't already read before, but a quick "hello" would be lovely. 

Well, there are a few little glitches at Blogcharm. When I view my blog using IE I can see the Firefox advert, but when I view the blog using Firefox I don't see the blurb. The margins are flush to the left and right side of the page regardless of which browser I use. There isn't much choice of fonts, and you all know what a prima donna I can be about my fonts! The other little glitchy thing is that when I view the blog using IE I see one entry that has the codes showing. Yet it doesn't show with Firefox.

I admire those who have the ability to fix these things. I am amazed I managed to even get the little icons for Firefox and Google on the page, although the spacing sucks. Oh well, it is an experiment after all.

As for my WritingUp blog, I have converted it to a sort of Dear Abby column. Think of this as a last chance effort to salvage that blog. 

Last thoughts: can I manage to contribute to all three blogs? Will the other two blogs make any money? Time will tell.

This past weekend was absolutely lovely weather-wise. The temps went as high as 16C, and the sun even came out. It felt like Spring! I heard a robin singing and saw a couple of red-winged blackbirds -- sure signs that Spring is just on the doorstep.

Today I saw four snow geese winging their way to the nearest watered area. Right now, that means most of the area around our place because the creek overflows it's banks. Our front fields are under water and at night we've had Canada geese and ducks floating in the inky darkness. With regards to the snow geese, I am assuming that is what they were. They were still a little too high in the sky for me to see if they had dark faces. If they did, then they would be tundra swans. On Sunday we heard the whistling of the swans in the flooded field across the road, but there is no way to get close enough to snap a photo or two.

Most of these larger water birds are headed for a rest stop at Long Point or the Backus Conservation area. They descend upon these places in the thousands, with a cacophony of honking, whistling and quacking. I would love to see that but it is a fair drive away.

Also saw a tree duck this afternoon. In fact, I kind of startled it out of the tree it was resting in. Odd that it chose a tree so close to the house. Maybe one of the red-tailed hawks was about and the duck didn't want to deal with these raptors.

Not sure if a rat has moved in to the pile of metal behind the garage. It is close to the bird feeders and there are oodles of rather impressive holes riddling the ground around the feeders. The wandering cats might have already handled the situation, but I'll have to be careful in case the rat is still about. It is probably a good idea to invest in a couple of humane rat traps just in case. I hadn't done that yet because if I did catch the rat I couldn't, in all good consciousness, just dump it out into a foreign territory without a place to hide itself from the elements and the predators.

What I will not do is put down poison. There is a risk a stray cat will ingest some, or the chipmuncks, or raccoons, or possums. So a live trap is the only other alternative.

********** 

There is so much work to do in the barn! I haven't been as diligent as needed and things have gotten behind. I did manage to get a bit cleaned out on the weekend but didn't have much time.

No, in truth, I lacked the energy to really tuck in and get it all done. That seems to be a problem with me these days. It has been such an emotionally draining couple of years and I feel all undone. I could use some fun and frolick but I lack the energy to persue that.

Not worried about it, though. It will all sort itself out eventually.

**********

With the perusing of blogs I have been doing lately it is interesting to see the kinds of people blogging and the subject matter they write about.

Many of the sites cater to a younger crowd, and the subject matter reflects this with discussions of a more sophmoric nature. I have found one that seems to appeal to an older crowd, with the subject matter being more intimate, sometimes even explicit. Some blogging sites refuse to allow more adult-oriented subject matter. Other sites feature the kind of 'boyfriends-back-and-you're-gonna-be-in-trouble' kinds of posts, with the 'I C U 2' kinds of posts. Can these people even construct an actual sentence using real words?

I must admit to bookmarking a couple of sites I've enjoyed through my fact-finding. As well, I was invited to join in a group blog, which is a first for me, and quite creative. The bonus of all this is that a few of these writers have visited my site, too, and a couple have even commented! Hopefully I can provide interesting copy that will entice them, and others, to stop by and share the word.

******

Do check out my blog experiments:

The Daily Grind

Tallullah Speaks

Where did my warm weather go?

It was relatively pleasant yesterday but over night it got cold! The winds haven't stopped blowing since early last evening and the strong gusts actually rattle the house! The wind chills are about -14C . There have been snow pellets flying about all day and tonight it is supposed to snow, with blowing and drifting snow the order of things for tomorrow's rush hour traffic.

I know I shouldn't complain but when I cannot keep heat in the rooms because the cold winds are blowing through every tiny oriface in this old house, I get a little miffed. My feet are chilled, the cats are chilled and I have to brave this cold blustery weather tonight. The barn animals are also feeling the cold. They can take cold temps, but the drafts from the wind make it feel even colder.

The other thing that has me riled is my car. The battery must be giving up the ghost because I've had to boost it twice in the last week. I am afraid to turn the engine off once it's running in case I cannot get it started again. Tomorrow I have to fuel up and that means turning off the engine. Will those fools at the gas station be able to boost the battery if it won't start? My mechanic, who holds down a second job in a hospital, has said he will order a new battery. 

If I were rich I wouldn't have to worry about such piddly details.

**********

Do check out my other blogs:

http://www.blogcharm.com/TallullahSpeaks

http://www.writingup.com/The_Daily_Grind

Topic ideas are always welcome. 

Wow, Roy, look what you have created! This journaling site is phenomenal when you compare it to it's competition.  Even the free version of Tabulas exceeds the other sites, in my opinion. After perusing many of them the last couple of weeks, I marvel at what Tabulas offers, the ease of use, and the beauty of what is being created here.

The only reason why I have two other blogs is because of the potential to make a little money, and I am questioning that right now. One blog is definitely going. The other is tentative. I would adore being able to have all my writing here in this blog, because I love using it, love the way it looks, and am finally begining to draw a bit of an audience outside my wonderful Tabulas readers.

I decided to try online journaling after hearing about Tabulas from Katze. I joined in October 2003. I had no idea then whether I would be able to find enough to write about. There was, and sometimes still is, the concern over what might be considered too much information and whether it would be worth reading.

This journal has spanned a wide array of subject matter and hasn't yet begun to fully develop into something that would attract a large readership. That will come with time, and promotion, something I have only just recently started doing.

Has it had an affect on my life? Definitely! It has inspired me to write at a time when I was questioning my abilities as a writer. It forced me to write, because when I didn't, there were questions as to why I wasn't writing. It introduced me to people I wouldn't otherwise have met, and my life is richer for that.

Can you make Tabulas any better than it is? I lack the skills to answer that question. It seems almost perfect to me. 

Congratulations, Roy, on a work of art, for that is how I see Tabulas. A splendid creation from a talented artist.  Give yourself a pat on the back, then crack open some bubbly and celebrate!

St. Patrick's Breastplate

I bind unto myself today the strong name of the Trinity, by invocation of the same, the three in one and one in three.

I bind this day to me forever, by power of faith, Christ's incarnation, his baptism in the Jordan River, his cross of death for my salvation, his bursting from the spiced tomb, his riding up the heavenly way, his coming at the day of doom, I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself today the virtues of the starlit heaven, the glorious sun's lifegiving ray, the whiteness of the moon at even, the flashing of the lightning free, the whirling wind's tempestuous shocks, the stable earth, the deep salt sea, around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today the power of God to hold and lead, his eye to watch, his might to stay, his ear to hearken to my need, the wisdom of my God to teach, his hand to guide, his shield to ward, the Word of God to give me speech, his heavenly host to be my guard.

I bind unto myself the name, the strong name of the Trinity, by invocation of the same, the three in one and one in three, of whom all nature has creation, eternal Father, Spirit, Word.

Praise to the Lord of my salvation; salvation is of Christ the Lord!

**********

May the road rise up to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

May the sun shine warm upon your face

May the rains fall soft upon your fields

And, until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Can you use a website template for a blog template? I purchased a website template two years ago and haven't used it yet. It was the creative inspiration for my Tabulas template, and I'd love to use it for my Blogcharm template since the one I have there now is so creatively inadequate. What say you, my more computer literate readers?

I was going to reset the text font for this blog but when I looked at all the coding Tatsu has done I decided not to mess with anything there. And how I ended up with three templates is beyond me! Not sure which one I'm using so I decided not to delete anything either. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Over at Blogcharm I have become frustrated by the fact that the template I chose, which was supposed to be so simple, isn't working out that way. It doesn't seem to display properly for some people, myself included. Creatively it is pretty sad, but better than the other template offerings. 

It was suggested that I change the font, colour, and size so I messed about with it last night. Still am not thrilled. Some commented they liked the different colours, others said to stick to one colour. When I used just one colour it looked so boring and there was nothing to delineate between the posts. It all kind of blended together. Yuck!

I discovered pinging there and I see I can ping here, too. Don't ask me to explain pinging as I only barely understand it myself. I am just happy to ping! 

Speaking of pinging, have you checked out Tabulas' home page lately and looked at the help section? Ooodles of stuff to read! I am going to print out a couple of things that I need for reference.  That is how I discovered I can ping my Tabulas. Cool!

Okay, must go and accomplish some non-computer stuff. No rest for the weary.

After some research I now know what those big white birds are: Tundra Swans!

A friend thought they might be Trumpeter Swans but those are still hard to find in our area after being hunted almost to extinction. The Trumpeter Swan has a loud call that sounds like a trumpet being played. The Tundra Swan makes a whoo-whoo sound. When a whole flock get together it is quite a lovely cacophony of sound.

For the last week we have enjoyed hearing them in the flooded fields in front of our farm. I have seen their large white bodies through the tree line but couldn't get close enough to actually see them. Now that the water is receeding, however, they are about to move on towards Long Point and Backus Woods, where they can feed, rest and gain strength to move north towards more fertile wetlands.

It isn't often that we get to see them as much as this year. Next year I plan to be ready with film in my camera! 

The above is a painting by Robert Bateman, one of my favourite artists. I have three of his paintings. One shows two of these beautiful Tundra Swans. 

When I was checking online last night to see if I could distinguish between the Tundra and Trumpeter Swans, I found a website that offered sound bites. As I listened to them my father actually thought a flock of the swans were flying over the house. 

It is 7 a.m. and I still have not been to bed since yesterday. I feel tired but there is an edgy-ness too, something I cannot quite put into words. And another feeling, too. Part of me wants to care, to accomplish, to be. The other me asks why bother, for what, it doesn't matter in the end.

That's what insomnia does to one's mind.

Last night I received an IM from a guy in the UK. His profile said he was 30 something, but he said he was 24. He asked my age and I said "over 30". Okay, it wasn't exactly accurate, but it wasn't a lie either. He sent me his photo, or at least a photo that is supposed to be him -- who can really tell. He is very young. It was good for a chuckle, though.

I am very tired. Off to bed I go.

Four hours of sleep. That's it. I so hate having insomnia!

Instead of writing, I spent a good part of this evening on eBay. Managed to acquire some really fine Vietnam War memoriabilia: many patches, and three lots of medals. Nice. Had to check carefully, however, because there is always the potential for replica medals being flogged as the real deal. I can recall a few years ago when you couldn't find any Vietnam memoriabilia. Now there's oodles of it on eBay. Some of the items are a bit rare and I tried to latch on to a couple of them. Right now I am collecting items relating to the medical corps, 101st Airborne, and MACV. Just lost out on a WAC uniform for a really great price. You snooze, you lose!

Speaking of snoozing, I'm going to try some herbal tea tonight and see if I can't manage to get a bit more zzzzzzzzzzz's.

Wanted: someone to assist me in making a couple of tiny tweaks to my blog. Must be knowledgeable in HTML. Send me a PM. Thanks.

I asked a computer-saavy friend for some help with my Tabulas template and she made a couple of interesting comments I thought I'd make note of:

"Does Tabulas have a builder application? Cause I found the following tutorial... http://not-that-ugly.co.uk/tabulas-help"

"For a place that seems to have a lot of people on it...I can't find much "useful" info that would help someone just starting out."

Perhaps it is safe to assume that most people here know enough about HTML to create their own sites, and the rest utilize the pre-made templates.

For those who wish to try a little creativity, is there a detailed template builder available for Tabulas?

If there isn't, perhaps someone could write one. I know Roy is enormously busy, but maybe someone who shares his knowledge (that rare stratosphere of humanity!) could spell it out for those interested in this information.

Just a thought.

Okay, today I stood on the scale and discovered I had gained back the few pounds I lost last month. I knew this. I could feel it. My breathing had changed, I've been exhausted, and achey. Time to get my fat arse off the chair and start doing something about it. If Boogiesan can do it, so can I!

I also started a community for others to join this journey and share their experiences with others. I am calling it "The New Me" .

Unlike Boogiesan I have no photos to illustrate my large-ness. I may ask Amazing Brother to take one, but doubt it will see the light of day here. I'm not that brave. I will, however, tell you that my weight as of this morning was 218.5 lbs.

How it pains me to read that!

Onwards and upwards. Here's to losing weight and getting fit!

Almost made it through day one of my new "healthy" me. One thing I'm not too proud of is that I ate more dinner than I planned. Although, it was my only real meal of the day, and I didn't finish it all. Ate all my veggies, though. Also, no soft drinks today!

Did 40 minutes on the Gazelle and another 10 minutes of free weights. We will see if I ache tomorrow. 

Sticking to this plan was so difficult, especially today. Too much emotional stuff eating away at me. My usual response to days like this is to eat. I've had years of days like this and now look at me! I don't know why I didn't succumb to food today. The thought kept creeping in my mind, but I never followed through with it. Didn't really want to exercise, but found myself on the machine. Wanted to quit after 10 minutes, but kept going. 

Maybe I was using the exercise to keep from thinking. Maybe there is a part of me that is finally ready to do what it takes to get healthy. I have no idea, but at least today is almost over and I feel no desire to eat right now.

One year ago today my mother went in for a gall bladder operation. I know this because I marked my calendar with her appointment. I remember it clearly because my dad stayed home from work to drive us to the hospital for her 6 a.m. admit to pre-op.

I remember her being frightened the night before, and me not having any words to comfort her. I saw such fear in her eyes that night. The morning of the operation that fear had turned to resignation. She knew the operation was going to happen and she was being carried on this wave from which she couldn't escape. I saw the look.

I remember going into the pre-op room and she was upset because the surgeon had lied to her about what was going to happen. That was an omen of things to come, but what could we do? Could she have decided not to have the operation and endured the pain of a gall bladder that wasn't working right? Could she have told the surgeon off and refused to have him operate on her? We were told he was the best. Of course we had to trust him, even though he lied to her.

I remember sitting in the waiting room with my Dad. We were told the operation would be complete by 9:30 a.m. We drank coffee, barely looked at the magazines in our hands, stared out the window, checked the clock dozens of times, checked our watches, waited. Still waited after 9:30 a.m. when some of the other people were called out to see their loved ones in Recovery. By 10 a.m. the volunteer receptionist said she would check and see what was happening. She returned with no information. Ten-thirty passed and she went out of the room to  ask again. All she could tell us was they were still in surgery.

I remember thinking that something had gone wrong, maybe her heart. Maybe she had suffered a heart attack. It never occurred to me that the problem was doctor error. He was the best surgeon for this kind of operation. He assured us that only 1 percent of patients had complications. He scoffed at Momma's fears and said she had nothing to worry about.

It was after 11 a.m. and the volunteer receptionist came into the room and said the doctor was out of surgery and wanted to talk to us. I saw the look on my Dad's face and told him I would go talk to the doctor. I remember being numb. Everything around me was whirring past but I was in this bubble and could barely breathe.

I remember the surgeon, looking worried and telling me there had been complications. He said the gall bladder was very bad and in the process of trying to remove it he accidentally cut the bile duct. He tried to fix it but wasn't certain he had done it correctly. He said bile had spilled into her body, and she had to have a tube inserted to drain the bile. He said she might have to go to McMaster for further surgery. I remember calmly telling him I understood that accidents can happen. I was so calm, so nice. I was numb.

I remember telling my dad, and telling him I'd stay at the hospital with her. She would be sedated in ICU so there wasn't much point both of us staying. Someone needed to go home and take care of the pets. Momma wouldn't have wanted the pets to suffer. I remember watching him leave the hospital. I remember feeling fear.

I remember going up to ICU waiting room. A nurse came and showed me to Momma's room. She was hooked up to monitors, a tube coming out her nose, a bag hanging off the bed. I remember thinking 'This can't be real!' I remember the surgeon coming to talk to me in the waiting room, saying I wasn't to tell Momma anything about the operation as it was up to him to tell her what went wrong. I knew if she asked me I would tell her, but I just nodded to him. When he walked back into ICU all I could think of was 'This isn't happening!'.

I remember sitting in the room with Momma, watching her, praying everything would be alright. I remember her opening her eyes and looking at me. She felt the tube in her nose and tried to take it out. I gently moved her hand away and told her she had to leave it alone. She was very groggy but asked me "What went wrong?" I told her the surgeon would come in and talk with her. She asked me again, so I told her. I omitted the part about possibly having to be transferred to McMaster, as I knew she would be very upset about that.

I remember the surgeon coming in and asking for a moment with Momma. They did a lot of medical stuff, and he told her what had happened. When he came out I asked him if she understood what he said because I knew they had given her a lot of pain medication. He wasn't sure she understood anything. When I went back in the room she looked at me and whispered "I knew something would go wrong." Even in her sedated condition she knew it was bad.

That was the beginning of the end, and all those memories are pouring back today. I know over the next weeks those days and months will fill my waking hours. Fortunately insomnia keeps me from dreaming. There isn't anything I can do to change what has happened. No amount of regrets, anger, tears, are going to fix it, make it right. Platitudes bubble to the surface: with time, it will get better; this, too, shall pass; it takes time; and the list goes on.

See, I didn't deal with it then. I shut down, or rather, shut off a part of myself; went into auto-pilot. There wasn't time to wail at the moon, to berate God for dropping the ball on this one. Part of me is still shut off, although bits seep through, forcing me to deal with something I still can't fully comprehend.

Maybe that's the problem. I am trying to sort something unsortable; trying to make sense of something senseless. It happened. Period. It happens to others. It will continue to happen. There isn't a damned thing I can do about it. I can pray until the cows come home, but that won't change it. I can rail at the world, at God, at myself, but it still won't make it better. Nothing will make it better. I have no answers. I have a friend facing the loss of her baby boy and I have no answers for her. Another friend is facing the potential loss of his mother and I have no answers for him. I have no answers.

My Artist’s Prayer

Dear Lord, please open my eyes to the gifts you have given me.

Allow me to see the path you have planned for my journey through this life

Help me live your love through my everyday living

and let my creativity be an extention of that process.

Help me to be supportive of family and friends,

to be a caretaker of your creatures and this garden you have provided for us,

and to be, in the words of St. Francis, “a channel of your peace” in all things I do.

Give me the strength to face the negativity in my life

and still stay true to my heart’s desires.

Thank you for the spirits you send to guide me.

Help me to heed their advice and act on it.

Although I am a tiny speck in the sphere of life,

I am grateful for the creativity you have given me.

Help me to stay open to your flow of energy,

and to pass that energy on to others through my work, and my life.

Amen.

Dear Millie,

I am writing this to you from a deck chair on The Toxic Bullette.  Yes, I actually did take that leap of faith and book passage on a cruiseship. Really! So far, so good. The crew is wonderful and the guests seem quite ecclectic which suits me perfectly.

One of the lovely aspects of this cruise is that I will be stepping back onstage again. I know, it's supposed to be a pleasure cruise, but when have I ever been able to walk away from the chance to trod the boards? I will be resurrecting my Broadway show, "Tallulah Bankhead". It is a favour to the Cruise Director, really, as she brought up the subject in some correspondence recently and I couldn't say no.

I also thought it might be lovely to perhaps hold a talent evening, as I can see there is much talent amongst the passengers. We will see how that goes.

At this very moment I am enjoying the lovely ocean air. It is so nice on this part of the ship, looking out over the ocean. Feels as if we aren't even moving. The sun will be setting soon and I feel the need to absorb as much of it's energy as I can, having been holed up in my cabin for far too long. Since we set sail I have spent most of my time in my cabin although I did enjoy the clothing optional evening, which unfortunately I left too early. Jet lag set in I guess and I needed my beauty sleep.

So here I sit, with a lovely Cafe Mocha in hand, a book, and my dark sunglasses. Oh yes, and the sunblock, because we all know how damaging those rays can be to a lady's skin. I plan to people watch from behind my shades and check out all those lovely tanned and toned bodies. How in the world do they get the energy to keep up those bods? I'm exhausted just thinking of all that work!

Okay, I'm just damned tired, period. I needed this trip. Never been aboard a ship before. Perhaps I have a romanticized view of a cruise but I am hoping for a little excitement, a little romance, a little... well, you know.

Speaking of romance, at the clothing optional soiree I happened to notice a particularly buff man sipping a Guinness and chatting up an  impossibly-thin-but-stacked blonde. He must only be in his early 30s, and I feel positively shocked that I even looked at him so much, what with me being considerably older than him. However, we did exchange eye contact -- he has the most amazing smile! And those dimples! On his face... what did you think I was saying? Shame on you!

Hopefully I will connect with Mr. Dimples this evening. I know, I shouldn't even be thinking of this, but what the hell, I'm not dead yet, right? Besides, it's just a ship-board thingy and can't amount to anything else. What harm is there in a little flirting? He might not even be interested in me. After all, he was engrossed in the blonde.

Oh well, I've got to end this, and get ready for dinner. We dress for dinner here, which is so lovely. It's nice to be a bit posh occasionally. Will write to you again.

Cheers,
Tallie

You are cordially invited
to a special,
one night only reprisal of

"Tallulah Bankhead:
The Diva!"

in the Bullette Theatre
this Saturday evening

7:p.m.

All are welcome.

A wine and cheese soiree will follow.

One of the lovely aspects of this cruise is that I will be stepping back onstage again. I know, it's supposed to be a pleasure cruise, but when have I ever been able to walk away from the chance to trod the boards? I will be resurrecting my Broadway show, "Tallulah Bankhead: The Diva!" as a favour to our lovely Cruise Director, who broached the subject in some correspondence recently. How could I say no?

So, I do hope to see you all there.

Attention Talented Thespians!

We are planning to stage a show

featuring the varied talents of our passengers.

Don't be shy, show us what you've got!

Further details will be forthcoming.

A sign-up sheet can be found

at the door to the Bullette Theatre. 

After attempting to juggle four different blogs, I decided to drop three of them and put all my focus into Tabulas. It was wasting time and effort to keep on with more than one.

For my usual dear readers this means you will notice some difference in the subject matter here. Along with the usual Me, Me, Me stuff (I am so self-centered!) you will see more adventurous and creative entries, some of it fact, some of it fiction. 

Another difference will be the use of categories. I haven't used them here before but think they will be easier for sorting the different topics.  I need to find a way to list the categories on the main page, in keeping with the style of the blog.

One lovely addition will be posts regarding The Toxic Bullette. This is a shared Blogger creation and I was honored to be invited to join in the fun. Do have a look and check out the other blog writers.

So, there will be some tweaking, new subject matter, and more promotion of this blog.  Let's see where the journey takes us.