I am Tallulah

Continuing this theme of change... it is time to change my Cafepress shop. In the two years I have had it there has only been one sale. Sad; very, very sad. I have been rethinking my product line and once my part-time job goes on hiatus end of June maybe I can squeeze in time to create some new stuff. I say squeeze in because my To Do list is as long as my arm, and some stuff has been sorely neglected.

Plus, there is the Great Canadian Cleanout, an on-going, all-summer project. As long as mother isn't able to throw up barriers to throwing out/divesting of unwanted stuff, I will keep forging ahead.

Mother's condition has not changed. This week she has been particularly weak, sleeping most of the time, eating very little. The vomitting is from sinus drainage, but there isn't much can be done for that until a doctor sees her.

I went to see her GP Monday and he reinforced that all the stuff she is experiencing is normal for seniors who have undergone surgeries. Apparently the anesthetic is particularly hard on seniors who lack the ability to bounce back from the extreme stress it places on their nervous systems. It is normal for them to be paranoid and frightened after surgeries. With mother she has gone through two major surgeries in a five day period which put her body under extreme stress. The GP said it will take every ounce of our patience to get through this. He suggested the normal time for this process is 12 to 16 weeks.

He did offer to come to the house and see her if his schedule will permit. Considering he is always double booked - my appointment was for 5 p.m. and I didn't get in to see him until 6 p.m., the office's normal closing time, and when I left 15 minutes later there were still 8 people in the office waiting to see him - I won't hold my breath waiting for his visit. Still, considering he doesn't make house calls, this was a kind gesture which I hope he can follow up on. She really needs to see a doctor just to be sure there isn't something else going on.

For some strange reason I have been buying flowers this week. I felt the need to add some colour and chose flowers I wouldn't normally have considered, mainly because they either have to be brought in during the winter, or are annuals. I've been potting them so I can move them wherever I want depending on my mood.

My father may be forced to retire come July. According to the letter he received from the company, their new forced retirement policy doesn't apply to him because he is already 65 and still employed. However, his partner will be 65 next year and will have to retire at that time, unless the company decides they can't survive without them. Problem is, his partner has been makings noises about retiring in July. Father won't work there without him because they are a team and work well together, each supporting the other's weak areas. Plus the drive to work is way too long come winter for Father to do alone. The partner is a divorced guy, living in an apartment owned by his son, and only has himself to take care of. Father is concerned that he might not have enough money to live on, especially if Mother needs special equipment/care.

Changes...more changes... 

After a long battle with kidney disease, Trooper passed away this afternoon. He was 20 years old. When he was a kitten, living in the barn, he was responsible for alerting us to the fact that Amber (his mom) even had a litter upstairs in the hay. He came to the landing asking for attention and brought us to the litter of starving kittens. One of his sisters had passed away only hours before. He was a brave boy, especially since his momma had kept him away from humans to that point.

Trooper was a loving boy, seldom getting into trouble, and was most happy snuggling, where he would give lots of kisses and purrs. Even during his final days he was aware of my hand caressing him, and would purr and flex his feet. 

I will miss you, Trooper. Rest in peace, my beauty. We will meet again, on a hill far away, one fine day. 

The last couple of days have been particularly difficult. Don't know if it's just because of the oppressive heat -- 33-35C, with humidex of over 40C -- or the stuff that's happening on the homefront, but I've become overly negative of late. Normally I'll have my moments of poor-me-isms, but the feelings now are more intense and I can't seem to shake them.

On a message board I frequent there was this list (my comments are italicized):

Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true. **I know "it's" NOT 100% true!"

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you. **I count only one.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.  **15?? Kinda doubt that.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. ** That is SO NOT TRUE! Does the comment "What the hell are YOU smiling about?' ring any bells?

4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. **That isn't completely true, but I'll give you a half point for that.

5. You mean the world to someone. **Okay, that's one point.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living. **That isn't true.

7. You are special and unique. **Half a point for that, but a weak half point.

8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it. **Bull shit!! That has not been my experience, ever.

9. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world. **Oh sure, blame me! As if I don't have enough guilt, now it's MY fault! The truth is, 'the world' generally doesn't give a fig about me -- I'm not that significant.

10. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. **Come on! Definitely NOT true!

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks. **How can I, when the rude remarks outnumber the compliments, and come so frequently?

12. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy. **This is true.

13. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great. **This I wholeheartedly believe.

Like all platitudes, they are simply meant to placate people, to give the illusion that things are good, or will get better. To me, they are just words.

What has happened to my viewpoint? I've always been able to pull out of a funk and find something to be positive about. Why not now?

Instead, this fatalistic feeling hangs heavy on me.

Because of this darkness I no longer post on the message board. It is a place of positive energy and mine is definitely NOT positive.

Maybe I'm just tired. "This, too, shall pass", right? Things will get better. It can't last forever.

Yeah. Well, until it does, I'm not fit company for anyone.

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On a technical note: I finally got Trillium. Now I can chat with MSN, Yahoo, ICQ, and AIM of course. Yeah... that's exciting, n'est pas?

Still can't get my Easy Media Creator 7 cd burning software to work.  Can't believe I wasted all that money on software that freezes my computer when I try to access it! And to make things worse, I deleted the old Easy Media Creator, thinking it would make the new one work better.

AND... to add to my tekkie misery... I can't renew my Norton Securities because they no longer provide updates for 2003. I now must purchase 2005! That wouldn't be such a problem, if I hadn't wasted $$$ on useless software (see above).

Can't recall the name of the cd burning software a friend suggested eons ago. Can't afford to buy it anyway, since I have to buy NS2005.

Why do I like computers?

Mother is uncomfortable in this heat. Her health is not improving. She still refuses to go to a hospital. Still gets angry when I try to talk to her about her health. Still demands my complete attention, especially now that Trooper has passed away. Now I have more time to devote to her. She got angry I had headphones on to listen to some music -- I couldn't hear her call to me for help.

Still trying to clear out the junk from this place. Father doesn't want to put the downstairs A/C in, but it's getting oppressively hot in the house. Even the cats are flaked out on the floor trying to keep cool. Father doesn't mind the heat. Too bad he's not the only one living here! More fights loom on the horizon.

Have to write a note to mother's GP, reminding him of his offer to come see her. The sooner the better. We need to know what the hell is going on, and how to help her so she can get better. I am not a nurse, and am not qualified to diagnose her -- she needs to have medical attention, even if it is in-house.

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Feeling very alone right now, and struggling to keep passing the open windows. 

Like HK1997 I did not know what a Meme was. Now I do.

I never went to university but do still have my Year 5 high school history and english text books. I chose to keep them because they were interesting to read. I quickly sold my other texts as they were boring as sin.

Used to read a lot and always had a book on the go. Lately I've not had the time to sit long enough to read. The closest I've come to reading was to dust the books on my book shelves.

The Number Of Books I Own

Easily over 100. I love buying books, even if I don't get time to read them. When I'm old I'll have an endless supply of never-read materials to enjoy. I also still have all my childhood books, most in very good condition. One of my book shelves is lined double with books, and I have some stacked on top of my filing cabinet, on the floor, and another book shelf in my room. I need my own house just to provide ample room for a real library.

Last Book Bought

When I was at the hospital with mother I needed some quick reading material so I bought "Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons" by Lorna Landvik. The title sounded interesting. The book proved to be an excellent read, describing friendships that spanned over 20 years, through some of the most difficult times in these women's lives. Made me yearn for that same kind of friendship.

Last Book Read

See above. Just prior to mother entering hospital I also completed "The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter", by Carson McCullers. This had been on my To Read list for a long time and I finally got a copy. It is a sad book, filled with characters who are broken or damaged in some way, and left me feeling quite unsettled. It was easy to be drawn into their unfulfilled lives, to feel the heat and oppressiveness of their physical world, and to empathize with the desolation, frustration and futility of their situations. Perhaps I was more in-tuned to the emotions of this book having just re-read "The Great Gatzby", by F. Scott Fitzgerald just prior to starting "The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter". There is a hopelessness in both stories that resonates in the reader.

Am in process of reading: "The Iliad", by Homer, "Self Matters", by Dr. Phil McGraw, "The Artist's Way", by Julia Cameron.

Still sitting near my computer to be read: "Writing Alone (And With Others)", by Pat Schneider. 

Five Books That Mean A Lot To Me

Flambards Series, by K.M. Peyton: I read the first three Flambards books way back in public school and was so enamoured by them that I sought to find copies for years but the books were out of print. A year or so ago I checked online and found them. I also discovered there had been a fourth and final book, so I bought the lot. Re-reading them brought back that familar story and the feelings were still there. Unfortunately the fourth book was a complete shock, and I didn't like the way the writer ended the story. Wish I had only re-read the three. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Complete Works of William Shakespeare: If I were stranded on a desert island this book would be by my side. I was in my final year of high school when my parents bought it for me. Having studied some of Shakespeare's plays and had the joy of seeing them performed at Stratford, I have been a big fan of The Bard, and this book has it all. Like Mastercard, I don't leave home without it.

Griffin and Sabine Trilogy, by Nick Bantock: When I read the first book I was totally smitten! The story is told via letters and post cards, and the books are designed so you can actually open the envelopes and pull out the notes. Nick Bantock is a fabulous artist and his story of the star-crossed couple is both haunting and strange. The reader is left not really knowing if the couple are real. Truly a wonderful trilogy.

Appointments At The Ends Of The World: Memoirs of a Wildlife Veterinarian, by Dr. William Karesh: I absolute LOVED this book. Billy Karesh writes of his journeys in the Congo, South America, and Sumatra as a veterinarian to a wide variety of animals. He describes his days with both humour and knowledge, clearly showing, among other things, the frustrations of dealing with governments who are unwilling to offer protection to their wildlife struggling to survive. Billy also describes, with amazing clarity, the dangers faced as he administers to bull elephants, peccaries, crocodiles, orangutans etc. I had the pleasure of connecting with Billy via email, and was thrilled when he requested a photo of one of my 'wild' pets for a presentation he was making. Billy is head vet at the Bronx Zoo and if I ever get to NYC I definitely want to meet this amazing man. Read his book. This is the only book my father has ever read cover to cover. It is the only other book I'd have by my side if stranded on that desert island. 

Tagging:  Jaycylene, MikeyMike, Linders1025, Lucy, and Katze. 

Today I received an email from a person named Leonardo, from New York. He got my address from my posting about Dewi, and apparently he is a friend of hers and is looking for her too.

It seems she is NOT dead. Apparently this Leonardo heard from her after the tsunami. He wrote that she had been injured and in hospital. He has spoken to her by phone from January to April. She had planned to come to LA, he wrote, but suddenly he lost track of her. Her cell phone number was no longer in service.

He told me he had given her money, but that wasn't the reason he was searching for her. He said he had "known" her for a few years and they were "special" friends.

As much as I want to hear from her, I am wondering if she has been untruthful to me. More importantly, has she been lying for the last three years to my brother? They were special friends, too, and were engaged to be married. Then she suddenly backed away citing religious differences and said her parents would never accept her marrying a non-muslim.

My brother has been heartsick over the breakup and then believing she was dead. Has this all been a scam? Has she also been doing this to Leonardo? Surely she must have known her friends would be worried about her.

I have tried a couple of times the last week or so to send an email to her but they keep being returned. Apparently her hotmail account is gone. 

I don't know what to think.

But I do know I am going to send a letter by post to the only mailing address I have for her, and maybe find out if she is, indeed, alive and well. 

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Anyone want to buy some useless software? Easy Media Creator 7 has proved to be a dud! Apparently one must download a bunch of stuff to make the software work? It's all too much for me.

Now I am unable to make any CDs. Nor can I backup any of the photos on my computer to disc.

There must be easy-to-use  software available that can do what EMC7 does.

Why would EMC7 received such glowing reviews when the damned software freezes up one's computer? I know it's not only MY computer this happens to.

I have no idea where this rant is going... and I have a beastly headache.  

Anyone used Easy Media Creator 7? What is your opinion about this software? Did it freeze up your system? If so, and you fixed the problem, how did you do it?

Anyone used Nero 6? What is your opinion about this software? Any problems?

I am seriously considering Nero 6, but before I do I want feedback. I've gone to C/NET but there are pros and cons for both software.

Thanks for your input.  

Researched how to make paper cranes, all because of Linda's project and found that Fourth grade kids can easily make these lovely little paper creations.

Well, that explains it. I'm not a fourth grader! No wonder I had such a wretched time making a crane! I kept getting stuck, and the photos and instructions were absolutely no help.

Finally, however, my little pea-brain soaked up the necessary information allowing me to make my very first origami crane. 

What a sad little crane it is!

But it does resemble the cranes in the photos. Granted, it's a little clunky probably because I made it out of thin construction paper instead of the nicer origami papers. And it's been folded a gazillion times leaving a little wear and tear on the edges.

I'd like to say I feel a sense of accomplishment, and I guess I do, to a point. However, I am supposed to be an artist, and this sort of thing should be easier for me than for a fourth grader. It took me over an hour to accomplish this one crane! Oh, the shame of it all!

Will I attempt another crane? Probably. When I come again to the spot that stumped me for over an hour, surely I will recall how the fold should go.  However, I'll have to get some better paper. The use of improper paper was the whole problem.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.  

Woo Hoo!!!  Two paper cranes done!

The second one, in pink, still took an hour to make. But I finally found a good site that offers relatively easy instructions.

Pretty soon I'll have a whole flock of paper cranes. Don't know if they will be good enough to pass on to Linda for her project, but I'll post a pic and she can decide if she wants them or not.

Creating these paper cranes is kind of addicting, and it is an artistic endeavor, something I've been neglecting since mother's health crisis. I hate to admit it, but they do look cute.

Mother showed signs of her old snarky self recently. Father was hanging a door at the bottom of the stairs to keep the cool air-conditioned air upstairs so as not to chill mother in the livingroom. I was assisting. As we worked mother tossed out some snide comment about me being "like Laurie", at which Father retorted, "Not like Laurie". 

"Laurie" was a girl I knew way back in highschool. Her parents and mine were friends and in later years "Laurie" worked on their farm, where she came in contact with my father. "Laurie" apparently knew how to work her father to get what she wanted, and many thought there was something inappropriate going on between the two of them. Mother believed that my father was enamored of "Laurie", and would often make disparaging remarks about this. She would also compare me to "Laurie", and even suggested the same inappropriate behaviour might be happening with me.  My mother's insecurities were/are very great. My father, unfortunately, would never deal with the issue, and would foster the insecurities by doing/buying things for me, and ignoring mother. Not the way to show his wife she had nothing to worry about.

Anyway, when I heard this comment all I could think of was that even as ill as she is, she still had to find a way to be mean. 

The next day Mother and I got into it again. Me, trying to impress upon her that she isn't improving; her, trying to get me to leave her alone and let her do things her way. She was really angry, and although she didn't have much strength, she plainly told me to leave her alone.

As much as this angers me, I can also see from her perspective. And who can trust the healthcare system! Look where it's gotten mother so far!

All these events have added to my distress. I'm going to bed at 5 a.m., getting up at 8, then trying to get some sleep again until noon. My days are filled, but with stuff for everyone else. And I'm eating more. I've gained back the four pounds I lost, and then some. At this rate I'll end up with health problems myself.

Today as I sat reading messages, it occurred to me that I have not been successful at any goal I've set. Or should I say, at any goal I've set for myself. I am very successful doing for others. In fact, I do so at my own expense. I never let them down. Duty and obligation, first and foremost!

I was going to post about this on a message board I go to, because I know one person there took care of her mother as she was dying of cancer. But when I sat in front of the computer screen, all I could think of was: What the hell are you doing? Don't you think you've complained enough here? They don't want to hear it anymore! Handle it yourself!

So I posted here instead.

I know I have to make time for myself. I know I need to keep perspective. I know what the usual comments are about this issue. I also know I will probably not change what I am doing. That I will continue to put others first. That I will continue to bitch and whine about my failures to get my act together.

It all feels like such a mess right now.

In a slightly related topic: I got Trillian, and listed a number of people as contacts. Then, today, I saw one of them online. Did I contact him to have a chat? NO! Why? Because I didn't want to bother him. I felt I would be intruding. Maybe he was already chatting with someone else. Besides, anymore I don't have anything important to say.  Other than to talk about mother's illness, and my inertia.

Yes... there's some scintillating conversation!

Perhaps that is why some I thought were good friends have been so silent. I talked a good game about my dreams, but never made any of it happen. I'm a wannabe, but nothing more. I have become dull and uninteresting. Maybe even juvenile in my conversations.

In truth, trying to hold a conversation these days seems to take more energy than I have to give.  It makes me sad, and that tires me too.

Contributing to my malaise is the wretched heat! It makes me grouchy and restless. Okay... bitchy.

Add to that the winds of change that are blowing around me, and it all starts to feel as if I'm in a desert, on shifting sand.  

As a result of being tagged by HK1997, here is my contribution.

Total volume in my computer

I think I have only one or two songs stored on my computer. I prefer to have them on CD instead of the computer. I need my storage space for pictures.

Last CD I bought

Not sure if it was one by Avril Lavigne or Kelly Clarkson. It was a while ago and I don't really remember. Oh, I did buy a couple of CD's by Great Big Sea at that time too.  Love their "If I were King" song!

Song playing right at the moment

Nothing. Unless you count the music playing in my head...  

Five songs I listen to or mean a lot to me

Right. I can stop at five songs! There are so many songs that I love, choosing just five is impossible, but I'll try and keep the list short.

Have loved Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker" since I was a child. Also adore Albinoni's "Adagio".  Love Michael Crawford's version of "Come Rain or Come Shine". The first Tony Bennett song I ever heard was "San Francisco" and I still love hearing him sing that today.  Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World". Frank Sinatra's version of "My Way". I adore Judy Garland, especially singing "Over the Rainbow", "Nobody's Baby", and "I'll Get By". Then there is Vera Lynn, singing "I'll Be Seeing You" and "We'll Meet Again". I cry through that song! Also love The Ink Spots doing "If I Didn't Care", "My Prayer" (also love The Platters' rendition), "We Three" and "The Gypsy". Nat King Cole singing "Unforgettable" and "Smile". Patti Page singing "Old Cape Cod" and "Tennessee Waltz". Edith Piaf singing "La Vie En Rose". John Lennon's "Imagine", and my favorite Rolling Stones song "Paint It Black". Then there's all the great Big Band numbers like Benny Goodman's "Sing Sing Sing". The list could go on, and on!