Mother is home, and awaiting her gallbladder operation. She is weaker than before, has lost weight, and is afraid to eat much of anything. TV dinners have been useful, as she is able to eat the turkey dinners with no adverse reactions. The bruises on her arms and hands are fading but she is supposed to have another INR this week. As well, she has to see another doctor to discuss taking her off the warfarin prior to the operation. The operation is scheduled for 29th March. She is worried that if they take her off the warfarin she might have problems with her heart. I have no answers for her, and the waiting is hard for everyone.

I am still working through The Artist's Way, but have not posted anything here in a while. Hopefully this week. Right now I feel fragmented, my energies going in too many directions. I really want to sleep until it's all over.

Today was overcast but warmer, a welcome break from the cold, but right now the winds are blowing and the temps are dropping. By midnight when I have to pick up Amazing Brother, it will be -11C. Back into the deep freeze again. I am so sick of the cold!!

No news about my Indonesian friend, and no word from May. I am worried about her, and hope that if she reads this she will let me know she is okay.

Thank you for your prayers for my mother. She will need all the positive energy and prayer she can get as she faces this operation. She is afraid, and at 70, this fear is not completely unfounded.

Okay, must get something to eat.

I have been staying away from the computer this past week, only logging on to check emails for the church, and the few message boards I still frequent. Wanted to post to one, but felt as if I would be intruding. I am not missed there, and it doesn't seem worth the effort to keep posting. Maybe I'm just being a little too sensitive this week.

Still working on The Artist's Way, and will probably do a bunch of posting regarding this sometime this weekend. First, I have a barn to clean, if the weather will cooperate.

Mother met with the doctor responsible for taking her off the warfarin prior to the operation. He confirmed she has a heart murmur. I heard him say to his colleague, "that's not good", but no further discussion. Now I am beginning to worry. Will mother be able to survive this operation?

I will be the one to give her the needles prior to the operation. It was me doing it or a daily trip into town to the emergency room to have them do it. Mother wanted me to do it, so I guess all those years of needling animals was leading up to this. I am not looking forward to this. I can only imagine the criticisms... but it needs to be done.

Not much else to say, I guess. What with writing three pages of longhand each day for the course, I am running out of stuff to say. Feels like I have said it all already. Tonight, I am just feeling overwhelmed, edgy, and fragmented.

Was watching one of my favourite British programs last night, Born and Bred, and a quote was used on the show that I didn't pay much attention to until after the show, when it suddenly clicked. One of those moments when my Spirit Guides reached out. The quote was as follows:

"All shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well."

I will hold on to that thought in the ensuing days. 

 

 

 

Did I say something wrong the last time we spoke on the phone? Or maybe it was something I wrote the last time we emailed? It has been almost a year and I haven't heard from you. In fact, when I emailed you last week the email was blocked as spam. When I posted a comment on the message board today, you responded, not to my post but to another's. That certainly left a strange vibe. There was an opportunity to at least say hello --  but nothing.

In the past I would simply have chalked this up to one more lost friend and unhappily let it go. Not so now. I do not believe I have done anything to warrant being ignored and if so I wish you would enlighten me. Perhaps I am a little too thick to clue in to what you are, or rather are not, willing to say to me directly. If I have offended you in some way, or pissed you off, why not just tell me so? We are, after all, adults and should be able to openly discuss issues. I am not so hard as to be unable to apologize when I have acted poorly towards someone.

And if I am completely wrong, and you are not ignoring me, then let me know that as well and I will willingly apologize for my tirade. 

I understand that you are a busy person with little free time. Yet how much time does it take to say a quick "Hello"? Perhaps our friendship is not worth the effort? I consider you my friend, and thought you felt the same way. If you no longer wish to be my friend, please, just say so. This silence is sad. 

 

“Difficult as it is to remember, it is our work that creates the market, not the market that creates our work.”

~ The Artist’s Way

 

 

“Leap, and the net will appear.”

~ The Artist’s Way

 

“Every blade of grass has it’s Angel that bends over it and whispers, ‘Grow, grow’.”

~ The Talmud

 

“When we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves to the creator’s creativity within us and our lives.”

~ The Artist’s Way

 

“Creativity is God’s gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.”

~ The Artist’s Way

 

“Stop telling yourself, ‘It’s too late’. 

Stop telling yourself, ‘It’s just my ego’, whenever you yearn for a more creative life.  Stop telling yourself that dreams don’t matter, that they are only dreams and that you should be more sensible.”

~ The Artist’s Way

 

“Spending time in solitude with your artist child is essential to self-nurturing.”

~ The Artist’s Way

 

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

~ Pablo Picasso

 

“Inside you there’s an artist you don’t know about… Say yes quickly, if you know, if you’ve known it from before the beginning of the universe.”

~ Jalai ud-Din Rumi

 

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.”

~ Henry David Thoreau

Tasks

1.  Still sceptical about my creativity. If I was truly creative, wouldn’t I be more motivated about this process? It is week 2 and I am losing momentum. I can feel the negativity – but I also feel the urgency to stay the course. I don’t want this to be yet another “failure”.

2.  Major activities this week:  taking James to and from work; church job; board secretary work (census); animal care (feed, water, clean); mother (meds, and as it ended up, dealing with another ER visit and the travelling to and from hospital). Spend most of my time doing my other jobs; I don’t mind this time, but need to take more time for my creativity. Need to get to bed sooner than 4 a.m., unless I am utilizing the hours after bringing James home from work (12:30 a.m. to 4 a.m.) doing my art. But that is not happening. I am sitting in front of the computer too much and not organizing my time.

3.  Topics I need to protect: That I am doing this course – must not let my family know about this as that is where the major naysaying comes from, especially from mother;

That I want to create art – again, the major people to keep this from is family, but also friends.  I have posted about this issue online but I wonder if I really should have. I have mentioned this desire to people before but I never stick to it so maybe friends don’t believe me anymore. Maybe they are thinking this won’t last. Maybe I shouldn’t tell anymore about this. That means doing this journey without any moral support. That is sad. In fact, no one has said anything to my second post on Barbara’s site. I think I will refrain from further posting there. I may change my mind, but it seems a waste of time to post there when no one reads/responds to the posting.

4.  Twenty things I enjoy doing:

-         reading

-         watching old movies

-         going out with friends, just to hang out and talk *

-         walking *

-         sitting at the beach, just watching the water and listening to the waves *

-         going to the theatre to see a play *

-         going to the symphony *

-         taking photos of nature *

-         connecting with friends via the internet

-         sitting at a campfire, just ‘being’ *

-         doing my art

-         being with my pets **

-         shopping **

-         sitting in a public place, people-watching and writing **

-         riding horses *

-         riding a bicycle *

-         going to a museum/art gallery *

-         going to Stratford to see any play they are showing *

-         checking out garage sales/flea markets/antique shops *

-         making cookies for friends at Christmas *

* Been years since I have done these

** Have done these recently

4.  Maybe I can squeeze in watching one of my old movies this weekend. It will have to be late at night. Really need to start doing some things I love each week. I am becoming boring, even to me.

5.  Chosen Affirmations: (write these out five times each day in morning pages)

-         I am a creative person and I will follow my own creativity.

-         Regardless of the past, I will become the artist I was meant to be.

-         I am imaginative and beautiful; a unique individual.

6.  Imaginary Lives

Last Week:                                                                   This Week:

Movie actress                                                               Journalist, making documentaries

Singer                                                                           Musician

Ballerina                                                                       Makeup Artist

Archaeologist                                                               Veterinarian

Professor of British History                                           Mime

7.  Life Pie

** created a diagram for this but haven't figured out how to copy it here.

8.  Ten Tiny Changes

-         I would like to go to England, Ireland, and Venice

-         I would like to finally be debt-free

-         I would like to have my own home in the country

-         I would like to be able to pay my bills and have some money left over

-         I would like to lose at least 60 lbs.

-         I would like to define my look

-         I would like to change/better my makeup

-         I would like to improve my skin tone

-         I would like to organize a space for my art studio

-         I would like to get my room organized

 

9.  Select one of the items and make it a goal for this week – didn’t get this accomplished.

10.  Now do that item – didn’t get this accomplished

Check-In For Week Two

Only managed to get 6 out of 7 days, and they weren’t done in the morning.  This week has been difficult because of mother’s recurring health problems. I found myself really struggling to get the morning pages done, and to find time to do the exercises. I want to do this, but am feeling that old procrastination rising to the surface. Still, I did manage to do most of the work this week, and got through Week Two, in spite of all the obstacles, so I am going to hang on to that instead of dwelling on what I didn’t get accomplished. Perhaps doing this will help to keep me on track. In the past I would always give up if I didn’t do it right or didn’t accomplish all I was supposed to get done. I find writing the morning pages tedious because all I write about is family problems and the immediate stuff I am dealing with. I don’t seem to be writing anything remotely creative, and it feels somewhat like keeping a journal. Lots of bitching, lots of moaning, but little in the way of positive movement forward.  Having written that, I see the book says: “Remember, if you are writing morning pages, they are working for you.” Okay, I’ll accept that. At least I am still committed to the process. I wasn’t surprised to see I was writing about immediate family stuff because it fills my head every moment of the day, crowding out anything creative. I seem to only have time for their problems.

I did managed to keep my artist’s date this week, although it didn’t look as if I was going to do it. As last week, I went to a café and enjoyed a large coffee, and wrote. There I was, sitting on a high stool at the counter, the warm sun at my back – the sun, by the way, hadn’t been out all day, it had been snowing lightly, but as I sat there, the snow stopped and the sun came out to warm me as I enjoyed my ME time. I have no real need to go anywhere, and the time I take to just sit there and commune with my thoughts is so invigorating. I feel like an artist – the kind one would see in the movies, who can partake of a leisurely coffee and some people-watching in an outdoor café. It felt great and I don’t want to give it up. Still not telling family about this, as I don’t want to hear their negativity. This is something for me.

I told a friend she should take some time for herself. Briefly explained what I am doing, and although she couldn’t quite understand why I had to keep this from anyone, she encouraged me to keep doing it. That was nice, to hear some encouragement. I seldom hear anything like that.

One really significant issue for me is a realization I had today. With all the stress over mother’s health issues, and the difficulties I am having with her, this realization came to me like someone turning on a light bulb:  my entire life has been spent listening to my mother belittle me, undermine my self-esteem to build up her own, and she has been instrumental in my inability to follow my dreams. She wasn’t able to follow hers, and in turn she has undermined my process so as to keep me where I can be controlled. It sounds horrible, and I don’t think she is aware of doing this. As much as she used to tell us to reach for the stars, she also kept us emotionally bound to her because she was afraid to face her life on her own. She couldn’t control the issues around her, but she could control us, especially me. And she is still trying to do this. I need to be very careful to keep some aspect of my life to myself. I will not abandon her to seek my own way, because she is my mother and I do love her. I just don’t like what she does to me, and I have to work very hard to protect myself from those moments. Sad to think that the one person who should be applauding your desire to follow your dreams is the very person who, whilst applauding, is whispering negativities in your ear and putting up obstacles to your journey, holding on to you as you try to move forward. My father is also responsible for this too, as he did not stand steadfast beside his wife and journey with her so she could let go of us. He abandoned her, leaving her to cling more desperately to us. And he never supported our artistic endeavours either because he didn’t understand them. It was like speaking to someone in another language. He was more concerned with his own issues and left us to deal with mother.

I am really stressed today as I write this, and it hasn’t been easy to get through Week 2, but I am still holding on. I want to make this happen.

Worthy Quotes From The Book

“Often creativity is blocked by our falling in with other people’s plans for us.”

~ The Artist’s Way

Detective Work:

My favourite childhood toy was… Chico, a beautiful monkey I forced my mother to buy for me. She tried to get me to take the girl monkey but I wanted Chico. I had named him before she even agreed to buy him!

My favourite childhood game was… exploring!

The best movie I ever saw as a child was… I only saw one at the theatre, Herbie the Love Bug. My parents never took us to the show. They couldn’t afford it.

I don’t do it much but I enjoy… photography, especially nature photography, but I’d also like to try photographing people.

If I could lighten up a little, I’d let myself… dance in public. I always feel awkward, oafish, and goofy so I never dance in public.

If it weren’t too late, I’d… like to try and become a movie/television actor.

My favourite musical instrument is… I don’t really have a favourite. I like cello, piano, and saxophone.

The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is… about $20 for magazines.

If I weren’t so stingy with my artist, I’d buy her… Chromacolour paints!

Taking time out for myself is… difficult, because I have to sneak to do it. If I were to just do it, there would be much flack and explanations, then the negativity would start.

I am afraid that if I start dreaming… I will become more depressed at all the stuff I’ll never have/do.

I secretly enjoy reading… fashion magazines, especially those that give detailed instructions on makeup and hair styling.

If I had had a perfect childhood I’d have grown up to be… an artist, writer and actor.

If it didn’t sound so crazy, I’d write or make a… movie!

My parents think artists are… okay, as long as it isn’t me. Artists are people who get paid to do art, and my parents don’t think my art is worthy of being purchased. I am not good enough to make money at it.

My God thinks artists are… gifted, and a blessing.

What makes me feel weird about this recovery is… the possibility that it won’t be successful and I will find I don’t have what it takes to really become the artist I’ve thought I was. I am afraid I will fail.

Learning to trust myself is probably… probably a good idea but much more difficult to achieve.

My most cheer-me-up music is… ??? Don’t have a favourite. I do enjoy the energy of Ricky Martin’s music, so I guess that might qualify.

My favourite way to dress is… vintage clothing, although I can no longer fit into any of the stuff I have.

Tasks

1. Describe your childhood room: Small, with two windows, shared with my brother. We had bunk beds along one wall, a shelf on the opposite wall, a dresser between the door and the closet door, my toybox under the window looking into the back yard. My favourite thing about my childhood room:  The two windows that let in lots of light, and were low enough that I could climb out if I needed to, and that all my stuffed animals were in the room. Favourite thing about my room now:  it’s warm, and I still have my stuffed animal collection in it.

2. Five traits I like in myself as a child:

-         imaginative

-         creative

-         open-minded

-          sentimental

-         empathetic.

3.  Five childhood accomplishments: 

-         played guitar on television when I was 8 years old

-         won a poetry contest in Grade 8

-         acted on stage in high school productions

-         got a 99% on my history project (would have been 100% but the teacher said he never gave 100% to any student… the next year he did.)

-         got myself and my brother up and ready for school every day without my mother needing to get up and made sure he got home every day. 

Five favourite childhood foods: 

-         chocolate pudding

-         chocolate-chip cookies

-         chocolate milk

-         green beans

-         apples (crunchy and not too sweet).

4.  Three obvious rotten habits and list their payoffs: 

-         overeating – comfort if only for a brief time

-         procrastination – sometimes I really just can’t face another demand or perceived demand so I procrastinate, and other times there is no payoff

-         perfectionism  (if I don’t do somethings correctly I quit) – there is no real payoff for this. 

Three subtle foes: 

-         listening to those who belittle me, even when it’s under the guise of “well-meaning advice”

-         no time to exercise

-         not taking time to develop myself or just rejuvenate

>> all these things stop me from pursuing my dreams. I lose my focus, my energy, and eventually I give up the idea and am left feeling angry at myself for failing.

5.  Five friends who nurture me and which of their traits serve me well: 

-         Elizabeth:  her steadfast belief in my talent and her support >> she even sent me art supplies!

-         Lois:  her understanding of my issues and my struggles to follow my dream and still do for my family

-         Cintia:  her enthusiasm and eagerness, and her cheerleader-like support 

The problem is two of these friends are accessible only via the internet and the other is married and we don’t see each other. Only emailing for them all.

6.  I do not have any friends I can telephone for support. I am not even sure of the “friends” I have as to how much real, substantial support I could count on receiving should I ask for it. I have to do this by myself.

7.  Inner Compass:  The “artist brain” activity I did was clearing snow using the snow-blower. I did find my mind wandering off the activity of clearing snow to things I want to get done, to all this walking being good for exercise, to rehashing stuff I read in The Artist’s Way. However, this particular question I don’t really think I understood fully so I am not sure I did it correctly to come to the needed conclusion.

8.  Five people I admire – Five people I secretly admire – What traits do these people have that I can cultivate further in myself:

Barbara Niven – her enthusiasm, dedication to her art, her eagerness and ability to embrace life

Merylin – her open affection towards her loved ones and those she cares about, her compassion.

Elizabeth – her quick wit and intelligence, her strong support for her friends, her quiet commitment to walking her own path.

Barbara Striesand – her talent and strength to face the naysayers and create the art she believed in.

Keanu Reeves – his talent, his mind to be able to remember Shakespeare, his courage to take on roles that others wouldn’t choose for him, his quiet determination to do his art his way.

James – his amazing mind and capacity to retain the knowledge he absorbs, his talent with modelling clay, his dedication to his friends and family.

Mother – her  strength to keep going in spite of the obstacles, her steadfast commitment to caring for the animals.

What traits from those above can I cultivate for myself:  optimism, open affection for my loved ones, support for family and friends, tenacity, strength to deal with the negatives in my life, courage to follow my own path.

9.  Five people I wish I had met who are dead: 

-         Mother Teresa

-         Princess Diana

-         my Grandfather

-         Annelisa Kilborne

-         Jesus 

Five people who are dead who I would like to hang out with for a while in eternity:

-         Grandpa

-         Gramps

-         Grandma

-         Martin Luther King

-         Jesus.

10.  My lists are similar which shows my heart and my head are not that far apart. Maybe I didn’t do this exercise correctly.

Check-In For Week Three

Missed three days of morning pages! Why? I let other things get in the way. Felt overwhelmed this week. Still struggle to write the pages, but I felt badly that I didn’t write them for those three days. That’s not good!

Did my Artist Date this week. Did a bit of solo shopping, then to the café for a coffee and chocolate chip cookie. Wrote my morning pages and enjoyed the time. I don’t think I’ll get an Artist Date this coming week because I have to take mother for her doctor appointment on my date-day. We’ll see what happens.

No synchronicity this week. Is this something that should be happening? Am I doing something wrong?

Am struggling to keep the focus. I am doing this alone and don’t have anyone to answer my questions/frustrations. I don’t know if I am missing the point on the tasks or not. I actually felt bad that I didn’t write the morning pages. Missing a day or two I could accept but three days suggests giving up, slipping.

I am thinking of ways to create a studio for myself out in the barn. Right now, it is still in the thinking stage.

Am feeling edgy and restless. I want to move forward and find myself leaping about in my head. But then the self-doubts start and I cannot allow that to happen. It will undermine my journey.

This coming week will be difficult as I have work and mother’s doctor appointment to worry about. I am feeling stressed and irritable.

Worthy Quotes From The Book

“I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.”

~  Duke Ellington

 

“The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf.”

~ Shakti Gawain

 

Synchronicity – the same thing as Serendipity:  a thousand unseen helping hands.

~ bits taken from The Artist’s Way

 

“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open.”

~ Shakti Gawain

 

“A lifetime of this kind of experience, in which needs for recognition are routinely dishonoured, teaches a young child that putting anything out for attention is a dangerous act.”

~ from The Artist’s Way

 

“The criticism that damages is that which disparages, dismisses, ridicules, or condemns.”

~ from The Artist’s Way

 

“By telling our shame secrets around our art and telling them through our art, we release ourselves and others from darkness.”

~ from The Artist’s Way

 

“The words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels.”

~ Hazrat Inavat Khan

 

“A creative recovery is a healing process. You are capable of great things on Tuesday, but on Wednesday you may slide backward. This is normal. Growth occurs in spurts. You will lie dormant sometimes. Do not be discouraged. Think of it as resting.”

~ from The Artist’s Way

 

“If you will hew to a practice of writing three pages every morning and doing one kind thing for yourself every day, you will begin to notice a slight lightness of heart.”

~ from The Artist’s Way

Buried Dreams Exercise

1.  Five hobbies that sound fun: 

-         skydiving

-         poker

-         golf

-         photography

-         camping

2.  Five classes that sound like fun: 

-         belly-dancing

-         pottery

-         graphic arts

-         website design

-         life-drawing

3.  Five things I would personally never do that sound fun: 

-         skydiving

-         race car driving

-         climbing Mt. Everest

-         deep-sea diving

-         hang-gliding

4.  Five skills that would be fun to have: 

-         fighting with broadswords

-         flying a glider

-         navigating a hot-air balloon

-         ability to ice-skate

-         ability to ski

5.  Five things I used to enjoy doing: 

-         spending the afternoon playing/reading

-         walking and exploring the outdoors

-         going to concerts

-         going to Stratford to see plays

-         drawing and painting

6.  Five silly things I would like to try once: 

-         indoor wall climbing

-         fighting with broadswords

-         bungee jumping

-         untethered hot-air ballooning

-         buskering

Tasks

1. Describe your ideal environment:  I would be living in the country, in an older-style heritage-type home made of stone (similar to the old English homes); would be a comfortable interior with the usual amenities – heat, hydro, A/C, satellite dish, powered and heated entirely by solar energy backed up with wind turbine and a final diesel-powered generator. The house would have tall, deep-set windows with window seats for the cats and me to sit and dream. The windows would be energy-efficient glass, small panes and the upper parts would be coloured glass to let in prisms of light. Inside there would be a fireplace and hearth made of stone. The furnishings would be lush and comfortable, antiques, but nothing too prissy or “matching” – would be an eclectic mix of styles that work together without being overpowering. Sofas would be comfortable, inviting one to sit, relax and chat. There would be photos on the walls, pictures I had collected, and items around the rooms that came from my exploring and travels. Many modernists would complain the home was messy and cluttered, but everywhere you looked would give an idea of the person who lived here.

Favourite Season:  Spring, because the winter and its cold are over, and signs of renewal of life are everywhere. The air is fresh, birds are singing, there is a gentle warmth in the air that melts the snow. It is a time to shed the heaviness of winter and embrace the light. Fall, because the colours are so vivid after the heat and humidity of summer and the air feels cleaner. There is a scent of the leaves and sometimes just a touch of coolness that refreshes from the heat of summer. It is a time of energy, of saying thanks for the gifts of food that will sustain us over winter, and a time of preparing, getting ready to face the cold months ahead. But Fall is also a time of saying goodbye, and makes me sad, makes me want to jump on a train and go someplace to wait out the winter.

2.  Describe myself at 80:  This is difficult because I see two visions – one of me alone, hopefully still living in the country but most likely having to sell the farm and move to a geared-to-income apartment in some miserable city, angry and bitter because I have had to lose my pets and most of my collections and possessions. If I fantasize positively, I’d be living in my comfortable country home, with my remaining pets, enjoying visits from my few but extremely dear friends, doing my art and making a reasonably substantial living from it. I would have finally found the balance in life I have been searching for. I don’t think I’d have many pets, or maybe by 80 none at all because I don’t like the idea of dying and leaving my pets alone. My art would be owned by people worldwide, but I wouldn’t necessarily be showing in galleries. I would have a lovely garden, and a place to sit outside enjoying nature. I would also have a studio to work from that has great windows to let in the light. Maybe I’d be using the barn, renovated, as my studio-gallery.

After 50 I enjoyed financial freedom. My work was successful and I was able to take care of myself financially, and not have to depend on scrounging for money to pay the bills. I would finally be debt-free!

A letter from me at 80 to me now:  I’ll keep it brief because I know you already have clued in to this. Stay true to yourself, follow your own path, regardless of what anyone else says. You can make this work if you take each step one at a time, and keep open to the serendipitous moments that will start to come your way. You are on the right path and that is why you feel this odd mix of euphoria and anxiety. The question of what kind of art you should pursue will clarify itself as you take each single step. Safe journey!

3.  Remember yourself at 8. What did you like to do; your favourite things:  Loved reading poetry and all kinds of books, colouring, drawing, using my art supplies, playing with my toys and pets, swimming, listening to the radio (wasn’t allowed to have pop music records so the radio was my plug in to modern music), and reading movie and fan magazines; my favourite things were my stuff animal collection and my books.

A letter from me age 8 to me now:  What are you doing now? Did we become a famous artist and actress? Why not? Can we still do this? Don’t stop trying. Remember all the times we fantasized? Don’t give up on that. Fantasy keeps me going now and it will keep you going too. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. Dream!

4.  Since this isn’t my house, and I have limited space within these walls, I am not able to set aside a little secret private place. My dream area right now is solely inside my head, and will have to remain there for some time to come. I am not sure whether the old horse stall can be converted to an art space yet, but that is my plan right now.

5.  Life Pie  

There has been a tiny change in my life pie. The “play” section has changed, because I have been taking time for myself. I have been a little more expressive, and have been examining some new ideas. I must be careful to not expect too much too soon.

Ongoing self-nurturing toys I could buy my artist: at this point I am unable to buy anything for my artist, but that will change. I am hoping to buy some chromacolour paints eventually, but I need to focus on paying off my huge credit card debt over the next few years.

6.  My Artist’s Prayer: 

Dear Lord, please open my eyes to the gifts you have given me.

Allow me to see the path you have planned for my journey through this life

Help me live your love through my everyday living

and let my creativity be an extention of that process.

Help me to be supportive of family and friends,

to be a caretaker of your creatures and this garden you have provided for us,

and to be, in the words of St. Francis, “a channel of your peace” in all things I do.

Give me the strength to face the negativity in my life

and still stay true to my heart’s desires.

Thank you for the spirits you send to guide me.

Help me to heed their advice and act on it.

Although I am a tiny speck in the sphere of life,

I am grateful for the creativity you have given me.

Help me to stay open to your flow of energy,

and to pass that energy on to others through my work, and my life.

Amen.

7.  An extended Artist’s Date: Impossible. There is no one to take care of mother, Chance, the animals, and the other jobs I have. Not at this time, anyway.

8.  Open your closet and throw out one low-self-esteem outfit:  Already did this a couple of weeks ago. I am planning on doing a bunch of spring cleaning in a few weeks, and there will be items discarded and given to Goodwill.

9.  One situation in my life I feel I should change but haven’t yet:  my weight, which is a continuing worry to me.  The payoff for staying stuck in this issue:  I am lazy? I fall back on food when stressed out and lately there has been an enormous amount of stress. My plan is to start exercising as soon as I can get into the building that houses my treadmill. I cannot move the treadmill to the house because there is no room. It has to stay where it is, but right now the doorway to the building is buried in snow. Let me get through mother’s operation first and then I can get on to my health. I cannot take on every issue at once. And I won’t!

10.  I didn’t break the reading deprivation, and it wasn’t hard because I haven’t been reading much in the last year. I had started The Iliad years ago and still haven’t finished it. Reading has taken a back seat to everything else. I did cut back on my computer time, and that wasn’t bad. Just logged on to check emails and then logged off and watched television instead. That was nice, just to lose oneself in a show.

Check-In For Week Four

Only missed one day of morning pages! Way to go ME!!! It was Sunday and I was focused on getting the stalls cleaned, and that was a day-long process. Didn’t write any of them in the morning, but that’s okay. It was hard at times to think of what to write, and often the pages were a list of things I need to do, or rehashing the issue that has been bothering me this week – my friend’s ignoring me for some unexplained reason.

Although I wasn’t sure I would actually get an Artist’s Date this week, I actually took two mini dates. One was at my usual café, where I enjoyed writing my morning pages, and a hot cuppa coffee and a macadamia nut cookie. The other was spending an hour sitting in the church sanctuary, just listening to the sounds, enjoying the peace, and being alone with my thoughts. It was refreshing, and I want more of this. I wish I didn’t have to sneak these moments, that I was ‘free’ to control my own time, but with others depending on me, that isn’t the case right now. It will change as I get stronger, but right now I will guard my time carefully from any negatives.

This week I experienced three moments of serendipity.

-         There was a television show about a Canadian artist named Attila, who rose to great heights with his skinhead art, but succumbed to drugs and ended up retreating to Hawaii. Lucky for him his parents were able to bankroll his life and now he is back to painting, but on his own terms, without an agent, and showing his work with other artists in their own venues. He didn’t speak highly of the gallery route, expressing some feelings I had after reading the art books I had purchased last year. His journey was somehow inspiring to me, even though I felt somewhat unsure that my art will ever be worthy of the kind of interest his art attracts. However, since I really didn’t like his early art, although I am impressed with his artistic abilities, I found myself pushing away my own negative voices this time, and sifting out of the show only the stuff about the gallery and how that process worked for him.

-         There was another television show, 20/20 I believe, that had John Stossell displaying a bunch of art for the general public as well as other artists. He wanted to know what made art so important and worthy of such grand prices. What made me laugh was the “artists”, those making their living this way, who expounded eloquently about a couple of paintings, going to far as to verbally paint the reasoning why the artist did what he/she did, and the possible artistic inspirations. Turns out the paintings were done by a pair of four-year-olds! The artists were a little chagrined by this. Goes to show what I have always said, that art is truly a subjective thing. What is art to one person is garbage to someone else. It also goes to show much of what makes art so desired is the marketing that goes along with the work. If it’s packaged just right, the public will clamour for it. My problem is I am not good at marketing. I found myself leaping ahead to obsess briefly about this. Then I took a deep breath and re-centered myself by saying that I hadn’t even gotten close to that bridge yet, so let’s not bring on any of that negative energy. I have to start making art first. The rest will appear as it is needed.

-         The third moment of serendipity was when I was watching one of my favourite British television shows, Born and Bred, and there was a quote used on the show. I had heard this quote years ago, and this time I jotted it down to write into my book of saved quotes. It wasn’t until the next morning that I finally clued in the quote was meant for me. I have been worrying about mother’s upcoming operation, and worrying about whether I will be able to get through this process, and if it will lead anyway. Worry, worry, worry. This quote was absolutely the most clear message from my spirit guides:  “All shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well.”  Ironically, the quote is from a female religious writer and hermit, Dame Juliana (Julian) of Norwich, 1342-ca.1416. Women back then weren’t supposed to know how to write! Yet this woman was a writer of religion, and is considered to be one of the greatest English mystics! I found that amazingly important! And of Norwich? I live less than 15 minutes from a town called Norwich! The power of this information, and the power of that quote, have energized me this week.

4.  I am feeling a mix of emotions this week. I know part of this emotional turmoil is because of my mother's health issues and upcoming operation. Beyond that, however, is a tiny glimmering of energy within me, deep inside. It seems to me I am writing more, choosing my words differently, trying to find the eloquence I love in other writers' work, and am starting to envision potential art projects as well. I am feeling stress, but also a bit of euphoria. It is enlightening to be working on this process, even when it is hard to get through the tasks. I do wish I had people to help clarify some of the grey areas when doing the tasks, but I managed to get through it. In fact, I had written out answers to the questions, but when I started typing the answers here, some of my responses changed - expanded, clarified a bit, or redefined my original comments. I guess that is a good thing. 

Made a bunch of entries in my Artistic Journey section. Feel free to check them out.

Need I say more?

 

 

It's two days until Mother's operation. Whist we are all eager for it to be over, I still am feeling uneasy about it. So much can go wrong. I am struggling to stay positive, and certainly am not showing any of my feelings to Mother.

So far so good with giving her the needles. One more to go, tomorrow, then one after the operation, I believe.

I know Mother is worrying about it. No matter how much I try to reassure her, I see the fear in her eyes. Wish she would let me call one of her sisters. This thing between them is foolish. I think she needs to connect with at least Aunt Marion, but she is adamant about not calling them. Wish now I hadn't given her my word.  

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Finally found the handbag I had been searching for! On ebay! There were three I was eyeing: an ivory one, a pink one, and this one. Decided on this because it's a colour that will carry from Spring through Summer into Autumn. Problem is, Paypal is having trouble with their credit card processing, and I can't pay for the item yet. I've emailed the seller twice about this. I hate the delay because I always pay ebay purchases promptly. Hopefully they will get the problem fixed quickly.

Have not done my Artist's Way course at all this week. Too much family stuff has gotten in the way. It will be easier to focus on it after the operation. Or am I simply using that as an excuse to quit?

Still have packages to bundle up and mail. Another thing that has been shelved this past week. And my desk! Looks like a dump right now!! Too many things to do and I can't muster the energy to focus on them.

Have not been sleeping much the last week and probably will not get much the next couple of days. Maybe after the operation this feeling of sitting on a time bomb will finally disapate so I can relax and re-focus my energies on my own issues.

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Have finally emptied my Fotki account and deleted my credit card from their file. I am not going to renew my account with them. Yes, the paid account gives unlimited photo storage, and if I was taking oodles of photos and putting them up for sale this would be a very good incentive. Perhaps if I ever get to that I'll pay for another premium account. For now my Tabby offers storage for 300 images and that will be plenty for me. Plus Tabby offers three sizes to choose from. I love my Tabby!

 

Tomorrow is mother's gallbladder operation. She has to be at the hospital by 6:30 a.m. for the 8 a.m. operation. That means we have to be up by 4:30 a.m. Needless to say I won't be getting much sleep the next 24-48 hours.

Why am I not able to envision *after* the operation? I can envision numerous scenarious leading up to the operation, but when I try to envision past that there is nothing. I've been trying to focus on *after* but just keep coming up blank. I hope this doesn't foreshadow something going wrong.

The other thing I have been forcing myself NOT to envision is the possibility of her not pulling through the operation. I won't go into the minute details that have been seeping in to my consciousness. I've envisioned this sort of ending before and it's happened. I pray it doesn't happen this time.

To force these thoughts from my mind I have been chanting: All shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well. 

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 Still cannot make my ebay purchase payment through PayPal. Have written to PayPal twice but no replies from them. This has actually cost me money. The exchange rate went up and so did my cost. This is not making me a happy camper!