I am Tallulah

I should be on the road this moment driving AB to work. However, due to the storm, the school buses were cancelled and because of a new ruling, the schools were closed. So he gets the night off.

I sit in front of my computer, trying to decide whether I want to post something here, or not. I haven't anything worthwhile to say.

Mother has had a rough morning, with stomach pains, due to ??? Who knows. She kept waking me up to ask whether she could take this medicine, or that medicine, or what the problem could be, or what she should do about it. How the hell should I know... I'm not a doctor. If she paid more attention to what she ate, and stopped bitching about the past, maybe she could reduce the stomach acids. She has spent the last three days alternating between tears, anger, and frustration. I know the reasons why, but I can't do a damned thing about it. Believe me, I've tried everything I know. Short of winning a lottery so I could buy her a place of her own, there isn't anything I can do to fix things.

And, quite frankly, I'm fed up with fixing things.

Had to try and fix my brother's computer after he managed to get yet another virus. If he would stop going to those skanky websites, he might not have to worry about these things. This latest virus sent 33 emails out to 760 people and resulted in our AOL being suspended. I had to fix that. Then I tried to fix his computer. I loaded Spybot, SpyBlaster, Ad-Aware, reloaded Norton, and still I can't get rid of the damned Trojan virus. His computer won't shut down properly now, and I have no freakin' way of fixing it. There is no way in hell we are taking it back to the idiots who supposedly fixed it less than a month ago. They managed to lose most of his information, screwed up all his photos, and reloaded an antiquated version of AOL. So now I have to find someone who can be trusted.

And I still haven't gotten my Easy Media Creator 7 to work.

I am so tired.
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No word yet on my friends in Sri Lanka. I registered Rohini's name with the ICRC, and on the Lankan government website. I was going to register Udaya's name but the only address I have for him is 21 years old. I know he was working in the tourist industry, in a coastal town. He is from Boosa, and was probably working in or around that area. That is one of the areas hit by the Tsunami. There is nothing I can do but wait and hope someone contacts me.

Am also concerned about another friend in Indonesia. She lives in Yogyakarta on the island of Java, but from the maps of the destruction, I can't tell if she would have been affected or not.

The amount of destruction from the earthquakes and tsunami is so overwhelming, I cannot imagine how people living in it's wake are coping. If it was possible, I wish I could go to Sri Lanka and provide some physical help in starting to rebuild the lives of those affected. They need so much, and the rebuilding process will take such a long time. Donating money just doesn't seem to be enough.
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The barn is so empty these days, with only the cow, the goat, and the cats. There is no welcoming whinneys or nickers when I come inside. I've drapped a curtain over the stall wall so I don't have to see the empty stall.

That emptiness is in me, too. Maybe it's a combination of losing my last horse, and the fears about my friends. At any rate, I've become rather reclusive, not wanting to write to my favorite message board, or even here.

The last week has been more about trying to figure where I go from here. A part of my life has ended, and I am at a loss as to what to do next. Those things I used to want don't seem important anymore. Things I thought I could do have all crumbled into dust and have blown away. The things I believed in, trusted in, have disappeared.

They say when one door closes another one opens, but that hasn't been my experience. The doors just keep shutting and I'm left out in the cold. It's my fault, too, because I screwed up somewhere along the line.

Mixed in with all this self-pity is guilt. I don't have any right to complain. I know that. And as much as I am really disappointed in God right now, I still find myself praying, for the safety of my friends, for my mother, and even for the safety of my remaining animals.

Yes, stay with what you know... prayer... even half-assed prayer... because it can't hurt. It might not help... but it can't hurt.
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What to do next? I am seriously in debt, have no visible means of taking a big chunk out of that debt. It is all I can do to meet my monthly payment. My CafePress shop is a dud. Only one sale in over a year. My part/time church secretary job may/may not last beyond this June. I cannot go on welfare because my mother put her pension money in bonds in my name, to keep my father from getting access to them (way too long a story to go into). I have no idea what I want to/should do with the rest of my life. Any dreams I might have had are gone. I feel like a failure. I am not able to provide what is really needed for my mother, and I can't even manage to take control of my own affairs. By being there for them, there isn't any room left for me.

I am too tired to do anything more than wait. For a sign, for some inspiration, for a bolt out of the blue, for hell to freeze over, for the second coming...

Still no word on the welfare of my friend in Sri Lanka. This week I pulled out the old stuff I'd filed away from back when Rohini came to Canada. I cannot believe this, but it was 21 years ago!! We have been writing to each other, not for the 17 years I had thought, but for 21 years!!

I received a postcard from her son, Pasindu, but I know the card was mailed before the Boxing day disaster. Still, it was so nice to see that he is learning to write in English. Hopefully his english will help Rohini so we can communicate better. I am ashamed that I haven't, in all 21 years, managed to learn more than a few words in Sinhalese.

Today as I was surfing information on the Tsunami disaster in Sri Lanka and area, I came across this special site. The stories were heartbreaking, perhaps because, having shared my life with animals, I completely empathize with these particular stories.

Makes me feel so guilty about bemoaning my lot in life.

I also learned that my friend, T, has been dealing with some personal stuff too. I feel guilty that I haven't been available for him during the holidays. His posts sounded down, but I couldn't get past my own issues. I hope he knows that no matter what is happening in my life, I'm always available for him to rant/bitch/wail at the moon.

Speaking of my own issues, I still don't have a clue about anything. One teeny tiny plan percolating is to set up an online garage sale and sell my unwanted stuff to raise some $$$$. Mind you, if it does as well as my Cafepress shop, it won't be worth the effort.

Limbo.......

I am becoming comfortably numb.

Decided to submit my journal for consideration for the 2005 Bloggies Award. Now, if only the tag board was working correctly. I cannot see any entries. Well, this journal may not even make it to the finals, which will be announced on January 20th, at which time the votes will be cast. I think the layout of this journal certainly warrants some public accolades and it would be a nice kudo to Tatsu for all his hard work.

Well, timing is everything, isn't it. I submitted my journal not only to the bloggies, but also to some other awards in the hopes of generating some publicity for my work, publicity/interest in Tatsu's creativity, and interest in Tabulas. The changes couldn't have happened at a worse time.

Although I managed to get most of my template back, there are things that have changed, and not for the better. Formatting on the details page is all messed up. There are no avatars on my entries. The titles on each page do not even fit the page properly, and are a wretched type style and size. Every title on every page in my journal will need to be restyled to a different type and size and properly fitted. The "Comments" type size is way too big and the type style is just sad.

Another aspect I am not thrilled with is the layout of the Control Page. Way too much white space and too much scrolling. The old layout was much more compact. But that is just my inexperienced opinion.

I understand why the changes had to be made, and I do appreciate the enormity of the work Roy single-handedly dealt with. However, having paid for my Tabulas, and having had Tatsu put so much time and effort into making my template and implementing each of the tiny changes I had requested to things like type and style, I feel a little frustrated. I have no idea when my journal will be looked at by the adjudicators. I should not have submitted my journal for consideration. Since I didn't create the template, and don't really have much idea how to make the necessary changes, this is what the judges will see.

Like I said, timing is everything.

I've been reading Mac Daddy Tatsu's latest entry in which he vents about the complaints regarding the changes to Tabulas. I was going to reply but decided to counter-vent here.

Not everyone is knowledgeable about HTML, so they cannot just go in and fix things. As for the control panel, what I get on my screen is something very simplistic, with everything running down the left side of the screen and huge amounts of white space until you scroll to the text entry box. In my humble opinion, the previous control panel was more compact and more professional looking.I haven't noticed anything new and wonderful about the control panel yet but I also haven't gone exploring. And have you taken a look at your comments section? A blind person could read it standing on the other side of the room. Definitely not esthetically pleasing, to my mind anyway. Things aren't loading better for me. In fact, when I first got my account it loaded faster than it does now, and with no glitches like a tagboard where I cannot read the entries.

I totally understand that changes needed to be made. This is a good journalling site and I know that Roy wants to make it as great as possible. I know how much work he has put into this. I agree that people should try to be patient as the changes, and the ensuing glitches, are worked out. However, there needs to be patience, too, for those who lack the skills to fix the problems. It is a shock to come to your journal and discover that it has changed. People don't invest time, or money to purchase templates, or bother friends to make those templates, only to have them all messed up. Supposing one of them no longer has access to the person who made the template in the first place? They are screwed.

Another thing to keep in mind: although many of the complainers have free accounts and really have no grounds to complain, those who have paid for their account do have a right to expect a seamless transition. If you offer a quality product and accept payment for that product, along with the accolades, you also have to accept the complaints.

For me, this change is a real mess. I lack the skills to fix the things that are wrong and I am frustrated by that. What equally frustrates me is that I submitted my journal for a potential award, which if it had won, would have been some good advertising for Roy and Tatsu. With the way my journal looks now, there isn't a hope in hell of winning any award.

... seem to be AOL. Apparently now Tabulas isn't working properly with AOL. That is why my control panel looked so different from what others were describing and why I couldn't see the tagboard entries. So now, if I want to see the tagboard, and view the control panel as it should be seen, I will have to access my journal through Firefox. That, to me, doesn't seem to be an improvement. It may make those using AOL reconsider Tabulas as their journaling choice.

Now I can view my tagboard and see the control panel as it should be, and all on AOL. Now this is an improvement. And after following Roy's instructions, I now have my avatar. Now, how do I get rid of the ugly purple border on the avatar.......

There is no nice way of putting this: yesterday sucked. Today isn't much better. However, it is necessary to make some apologies for my bitchy-ness.

To Roy: I sincerely apologize for adding to your misery yesterday. You have created a wonderful journaling site, perhaps the best on the web, and to do so means making changes. My complaints were not leveled at you, but at myself for my inability to make the changes I want to make (and that statement applies to more than my online journal). I am in awe of those who are capable of understanding HTML and how it all fits together. I can manage simple things, and once I see how something fits, I can take it from there. But staring at a bunch of coding when I have no idea what it all means and how it fits together, and whether or not I'll screw it all up if I mess with it, is a completely daunting process. Your abilities, with Tabulas as a fine example, will take you very far, and I wish you enormous success.

To Tatsu: Thank you for making the additional changes to my journal. However, I owe you an apology as well, for making you feel you needed to do them in the first place. I behaved like a spoiled child in my rants and that was unacceptable. You are not well, dealing with your physical ailments, and here I was pouting about my journal. How selfish of me! I am very sorry for my behaviour.

The problems are solely with me, and unfortunately you both ended up on the receiving line of some bad attitude. I hate when someone takes out their bad mood on me, yet there I was doing that to you. I am truly sorry.

Besides myself, I know of two other people who are struggleing to make ends meet right now. Not the I-could-use-some-extra-cash-right-now kind of struggling, but the I-am-in-deep-trouble-if-I-don't-get-money kind of struggle.

It isn't because we are deadbeats. We are creative, intelligent people, with a real desire to take care of our own business. So why are we in this mess? What the hell did we do wrong to get to this place? And more important, what can we do to rise above this?

Some would suggest we pray. That might help us feel better, but remember, the Lord helps those who help themselves. So how do we help ourselves?

Quick money is needed for both of these people. I have been thinking of holding an online silent auction, but don't know what I have to auction off that would generate some quick cash. Need to give it some thought. If anyone has any ideas, do tell.

As for me, I think I'm going to hold an online garage sale. First I need to collect all the stuff I want to part with, get photos taken, then load the photos and post the notices. Perhaps I'll hold that as a silent auction too. Might raise more money that way.

I have never installed an operating system in a computer. The thought of doing this scares the hell out of me.

My brother's laptop computer is still carrying a trojan virus that nothing seems able to dislodge. Since he wasn't given the Windows 98 operating system discs when he purchased the computer (it was preloaded and that's how they sold it), I had to purchase Windows 98SE via ebay, and when I get it I'll have to figure out how to dump the old OS and install the new. He is going to purchase Norton Internet Securities this weekend. He only has Norton Anti Virus and it hasn't been too swift at keeping out the trojans. I use Norton I.S. and it seems to be working nicely at blocking all the trojans that attempt access to my system. I.S. also has the Anti Virus included so I think this will be a good investment.

I also loaded Firefox, on both his and my computers, as suggested by MikeyMike. And I've added SpyBot and Ad Aware to our systems.

So, between now and when the new software arrives, I have to learn how to dump and install software. Pray I don't bugger it up completely. If I manage to do this successfully, I'll move on to my CD burner software.

A friend gave me the name of her computer service guy so I've decided NOT to attempt formatting the hard drive on my brother's computer. After reading the plethora of information on the subject I am just not sure I have enough knowledge to handle this job. Now just have to wait until the Windows 98 SE I ordered from ebay to arrive and then we'll take it to the fix-it guy.
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With the serious lack of funds lately I am mulling over an idea. I want to hold an online auction, to be called the Stuggling Artist Auction. Hopefully I'll have worked out more details after the weekend. There are a few things I need to figure out, like whether I can get some art prepared for sale in time. I have a few items I can personally put up, but don't think that is enough to offer for auction. Since I'd like to be able to net enough funds to help two other people, this idea needs more thought.

MSN had some financial horoscope things on their home page today, so I checked out mine:

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libra, in 2005 you need to consider the stars. And we don’t mean just in a horoscopy sense. We mean that you need to stop and smell the roses, drop out of the rat race, call a time-out, step off the treadmill and…well, you see what we mean. The speed of your busy life can anesthetize you to what is really meaningful, and leave you with a sense that time is passing quickly and yet you’re not getting anywhere. It’s important that you commit to specific goals and have a clear sense of direction in your life, But it’s also important that you build some margins into your life in which you can be still and reflect on your journey. As you set out on a course to success, Libra, make sure you take opportunities to stop and evaluate whether the destination you had in mind is still the right one for you. Have a great 2005!

"...evaluate whether the destination you had in mind is still the right one for you." I agree. Some serious evaluation is required. Things are changing in my life, but not in a positive way, and what I thought I wanted, where I thought I'd be by this point in my life, has blurred until I am not certain of anything. I have felt the approach of a serious flux in my personal sphere for the last ten years, but it was strongest the beginning of 2004. You know the feeling: as if you are sitting on a bomb and are not sure when it will explode, but knowing it will.

That flux is still strong. This year two words are prominent: evaluation, and acceptance.

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world. So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time. You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all. But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult. You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, & Traveler Soul

Finally stopped snowing and blowing and today was sunny, albeit frigidly cold. Inside the barn was 25F and the water was frozen in the pans. Had to use warm water to loosen the ice build-up in Chance's water pan.

The cold is dimming the flourescent lights in the barn. I would use incandescents during this cold but they use more hydro and since I leave the lights on day and night this time of year, we cannot afford more hydro expense.

Haven't cleaned out the horse stall yet. Still have the curtains up around the stall so I don't have to see it empty. Just can't face that chore yet.

Strange, now that I no longer have horses, I've discovered a number of really good horse-care books available. Books that would have come in handly in the past.

I don't think I'll get another horse.
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Started clearing snow from the yards and drive around 1 p.m. and finished 4 p.m. If we get any more snow I have no idea where I'll put it. The weather guy is calling for more snow this week.

I'm so tired of winter. I know it could be worse, but it could also be better. However, nothing I can do except bitch about it.
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Very sad news today: Johnny Carson passed away today. I am sure there will be many things written in the next days and weeks about his accomplishments. It feels as if a family member has passed away. Someone you know about but hadn't seen in years. Johnny was a class act, who managed his career with integrity. He will be missed.
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Still in an introspective mood. Nothing new -- no plans formulated yet.

What I do know: I am not happy. Things cannot continue as they have in the past. I need to clarify what I really want for myself, and then figure out how to incorporate that into the requirements of those who are depending on me. Need to let go of old ideas and plans, regardless of how difficult that might be. Need to take more control of my financial situation, and find new ways of generating funds.

I also know that: My life could be worse. I have much to be thankful for, even if it is difficult to see this at times. I have ideas, but they are still just glimmers, and may not amount to anything. As long as I have ideas, I haven't given up.

This is work in progress -- snail's pace progress, to be sure, but it has to happen.

I received a long-distance telephone call tonight, which lasted all of 45 seconds, but contained great news.

My friend Rohini, from Sri Lanka, called to let me know she and her family are safe and well. She just today received my letter and wanted to let me know they are safe.

After 20+ years this is the first time we've spoken directly to one another. What a connection!

I am very grateful for those 45 seconds.

My brother received a yahoo message last night (11:24:24 p.m., 1.27.05) and this is what it said:

"To all Dewi's friendsonline, in the behalf of her family, we want to inform you that Dewi is missing during the earthquake and tsunami in Aceh. Please say a little prayer for her soul."

It was 'signed' by Rey and Aman, Dewi's sister and brother.

My brother is devastated. He and Dewi had talked marriage but she eventually broke it off saying her parents would never consent to her marrying a Christian.

The first thing I wondered was whether her family was saying this to stop him from sending her emails. I also emailed her, but to this moment haven't received anything telling me she had perished in the disaster. Only my brother. And how would they have known her passwords for her email account?

If she is indeed a victim of this horrible disaster, my heart goes out to her family. But if they (or she) is doing this to stop my brother from having any more contact with her, that is downright cruel.

I wish there was a way to confirm this information. The postal address was no where near Aceh. But that doesn't mean she hadn't moved since the last contact she had with my brother.

This is so upsetting, no matter how you look at it.

I have been scouring the internet trying to locate any websites that might have lists of the missing/injured/deceased in Indonesia. I cannot even access the government website.

Brother is going to put together a list of every detail he can remember and then I'm going to list her on the Red Cross listing, although I doubt that to be very effective.

There has to be some way to verify if Dewi is one of the casualties. I need to know.

Addendum: I found a site, but I don't speak Indonesian. There is a spot that has a list of 5000 casualties, but I am not sure if I have to sign in to get access, or whether I can type in her name. I'll check it out in depth later Sunday evening. At least it's a start.

Spent most of the afternoon until 10:30 p.m. searching the internet for information on Indonesian victims of the tsunami.

Found a number of places to post information about Dewi:

Aceh Media Center: I was able to post a photo of Dewi. After posting I recalled that she had a mole on the right side of her face, and I should have stated that in the post.

airputih.or.id
ICRC's Family Links
Newscover
Tsunami Help

There were a couple of message boards where people posted about those they were searching for, but they were not in English.

I wish there was more I could do, more places I could search. I pray that she will turn up alive.