I am Tallulah

I have completed the additions to my product line at my online shop, TallullahSpeaks. They turned out pretty good, even the 12 month calendar. There are a couple of Christmas ornaments, and a cute Christmas Teddy. Hopefully I can start to make some money on this venture.

******

Had my car in for it's winter tune up. It needed CV shafts and ended up also needing much more work, including ball joints. The total bill came to over $900.00. Tomorrow I am getting snow tires, at a cost of over $600.00.

With expenses like these, I'm not sure I will be able to afford to renew my Tabulas, or Christmas presents, or anything else.

With the worry about car expenses, and worry about my horse, I am feeling totally stressed out tonight. Sometimes I think I should just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head.

Adding insult to injury, my tag board is gone again. *sigh* Damned Gremlins!

Got the snow tires on the car. Was shown the old tires. No point keeping them because they were so worn. Was informed that the car will now need an alignment on all four wheels. More $$$.

And, I have to buy a horse blanket. My old horse is going to need something to keep him warmer, and that may include leg wraps. *sigh*

Then, to top off the day so far I learned that Amazing Brother is ticked off that I didn't have time to drop off his laptop at the repair shop on my way to getting the car done.

I'm just gonna pull the covers over my head now.

CREDIT: canada.com


Most Canadians who watch television news broadcasts will know the name of David Vienneau. He was Global television's Ottawa bureau chief, and a well-known face on The Hill's political news scene. Sadly, he passed away on Wednesday from pancreatic cancer.

He was diagnosed with cancer less than two months ago, and shortly after a biopsy revealed that the disease had spread to his liver. He didn't have much time to 'put his house in order' before he was admitted to palliative care and succumbed to this horrible disease.

For years I had recoiled at being referred to as a journalist because most of the so-called journalists, in my opinion, never lived up to the high standards that the profession was built on. Yet, thankfully, there were those rare few, like David Vienneau, who truly epitomized real journalistic integrity.

His dedication to the truth, quiet gentleness, and simple straightforward reporting will be very much missed. He was truly a class act.

My prayers and condolences go out to his wife and children.

"Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him."

Pierre Burton
1920 - 2004

I am remiss in not paying tribute to perhaps one of Canada's greatest writers, and certainly one of the greatest writers of the modern world. Pierre Burton passed away November 30th, 2004, at the age of 84.

He was a proud Canadian, and shared his love of the Yukon and other parts of Canada with fellow Canadians and the world. He will be remembered most for his love of country and secondly for his writing talent.

Pierre Burton was a Canadian icon, a part of the fabric of Canada. He will be missed.

"I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith."

The vet came today to see my horse. He wasn't eager to do a chiropractic treatment on him because he really felt the horse should be put down. However, he understands my feelings of at least trying to make a difference before resorting to the final act.

GoSauDas is my last horse. He's 28 years old, has stringhalt, has lost the ligament strength in his right front foot, and is thin. I knew that and have been increasing his grain but didn't want to go overboard because that could cause swelling in the legs. After talking with Richard (the vet) I am going to increase the grain more, and will look at getting a different food, Purina Fat and Fibre, to help him put on some body weight. I am also going to hold off on the blanket as that might make him sweat, and will inhibit his natural winter coat growth.

I know there isn't much that can be done, but I have seen animals rebound before when the vets have declared no hope. Richard did a chiropractic treatment on him and found over a dozen adjustments to make.

We'll just have to take it one step at a time. I am not going to give up until I absolutely have to.

I am frustrated by my lack of computer prowess. While in to the computer shop with Amazing Brother's laptop computer, I asked about this annoying message I get when I start my computer. I inadvertently left a floppy in the drive once when I shut down my computer and now I keep getting this "There is no disk in the drive. Please insert a disk into drive A" message. Computer Fix-It Guy rambled on about how to fix it but I was lost.

Then I asked about why my computer was so slow at times. I told him I was using WindowsXP and he asked about how much RAM the computer had. It has 128mb, which apparently really isn't enough to run WindowsXP properly. So why the hell was this computer sold, brand new, with WindowsXP installed? Computer Fix-It Guy says I should have more RAM. My computer can be upgraded to 512 mb, but I have to bring it in to him. If it's just a simple thing to do, why can't I do it myself?

Oh, yes, because I am computer-clueless!

I still haven't gotten the knack of what a CD-RW can do. I want to save all the old movie photos I've stored on the HD, but it don't have enough to fill a CD. But can I save what I have, then come back and save more at a later date?

And why aren't there easy-breazy-tutorials about stuff like this? Have you read some of these tutorials? They are written by computer-smarties who know what they are doing. I hate to say this, but the reason why tutorials are necessary is for those of us who DO NOT KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING! Feel free to break it down for us. I realize it will be frustrating for you, but once we have the blow-by-blow instructions, we won't bother you anymore.

I already realized that I needed more RAM, and looked into the memory updates. They are freakin' expensive!! Then add in the cost of the Comuter Fix-It Guy's hourly rate, and it gets kinda expensive.

I hate being broke. And I hate feeling stupid. And today that's the way I felt.

To ice the cake, my Tabulas is back to it's glitches. Some friends' journals are inaccessible, as is my Tag board.



******

My horse is feeling a tiny bit better today. The chiro treatment seems to have eased his aches a bit. He wasn't standing up against the wall last night, and today he has been standing in the center of the stall, away from the wall. He seems to be able to handle the increase in grain although he's gotten a bit flatulent. That may pass as his system adjusts to the change of diet. I pray that this helps him. It's all we can do.

******

Tried to find some leaves to press for MacDaddy Tatsu but they've all turned brown and brittle. Will have to save that for next year. Have started the next "care package", and was looking for new postcards. However, probably won't have it ready for Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, I probably won't be doing the gift thingy this year. No time to make anything. I think I'll buy a couple of packages of my Christmas cards and send them out. It's about all I can afford after the car repairs.

******
And my Advent candle above isn't working right! There is supposed to be a clock showing, and the second candle is supposed to be lit. *sigh* I give up.

Spent a disturbing evening discussing my mother's financial affairs and what she wants done with her money. She is "getting affairs in order" and has been hounding me daily to help her, so we finally sat down and came to a plan. I always knew I'd have to deal with this stuff, but kept hoping it would be years from now. But at 70, she isn't sure she has years ahead of her.

I wish I could say this helped ease her mind but it didn't. She is still certain she won't live much longer. The doctor visit on Monday didn't help either. He now says she is a diabetic. According to him, the normal blood sugar range is between 3.5 and 7. Her blood sugar is 8. He told her she would have to leave out potatoes and bread from her diet. She is almost not eating anything now, and the small amount of potato and bread that she does eat is a staple of her small diet. My mother was never adventurous when it came to eating. She is a British woman who grew up during the Depression on potatoes and eggs, eggs and potatoes. And vegetables if they grew them. She has always been a finicky eater and this has just floored her.

The doctor says that if she can't get the blood sugar down to the normal range she might have to have a pill to do it. She is so close to normal now, I finally said to her to just take the pill if he suggests it. She can't reduce her diet much more or she will end up starving.

No wonder seniors end up frail and debilitated! And doctors can't seem to clue in that their flip remarks to "just change your diet" are huge problems for the elderly who may already have eliminated much of their usual fare from their diets.

What pisses me off the most is that these doctors give a mere ten minutes of their time and fluff off any depression their diagnosis creates. "Oh, don't be silly, you're taking your meds and if you change your diet you'll be fine." For someone who is coming to terms with the words 'heart disease' and 'diabetes', this is another brick in their wall.

******

My horse isn't doing well. Yet he's not getting worse, at least I don't think he is. I keep thinking about him dying and then I get angry with myself because every time I do this, whatever I was obsessing about seems to happen. I need to keep focussed on him gaining more weight and feeling better. I can't become overwhelmed by the what ifs. He needs me to be strong.

******

Last Sunday, with a rare warm spell, I spent a couple of hours collecting the flies that came out to bask in the warm sun. With pill bottles in hand I stalked flies, capturing them to store for the future. I now have four syrofoam containers in the refrigerator holding hopefully enough flies to feed IttyBitty until April.

I am really angry at Amazing Brother because he hasn't lifted a damned finger to feed this tiny creature! He brings him home and dumps another responsibility on me. Why? Because he knows I can't let this creature die. I hate having to feed live food! It makes me cringe inside to have to choose a few flies each day and take them from their cool slumber to the tank, where they warm up and begin flying around only to become dinner for the froggie. I know IttyBitty has to eat, and that is the ONLY reason why I am doing this. I haven't a choice. It's this, or IttyBitty becomes snake food, and I can't stand that either.

******

Got really ticked at the church board meeting last night. It's so easy for everyone to just expect me to "get it done". They have been bitching about the photocopier. It was donated to them, and they can't shell out a mere $90 to have it cleaned and see if it needs any other repairs. They have been griping about getting someone to look at it, and so I called around and got some quotes. Then last night, once they heard the quotes, someone pipes up that they might be able to figure out how to clean it. Why the hell didn't they make this offer two freakin' months ago!! Why have they been snarking to me that I should call someone?

They have been waiting to find out how much money they have to pay the UC of Canada for their members, and have been at me to "figure it out". I learned last night that those who give money to the church are supposed to be kept anonymous. The how the hell can I tell them how many people are paying members?? The Roll book is totally useless for this and yet they expect me to "figure it out". Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!!

I want to get all the members, inactive members, adherents etc. onto a database and then maybe I can keep better track of things. I want to be able to generate lists such as those who haven't paid any moneys in a year, etc. so the Stewardship committee has information to work with when they want to generate memberships. A friend is sending me a database software to hopefully help in this endeavour.

But if I can't get this information straightened out on paper, I can't get it entered properly! And try to get some help! Everyone has assumed that this information was readily available and easily understood. It isn't! But yours truly is supposed to be able to "figure it out".

Then I was asked if I would be the board secretary! No mention of any extra remuneration, of course, only extra work. I said I'd think about it.

To add to their demands on my time, now they want me to write an article for the local newspaper about the minister. Why? The man is only going to be here until June. What's the point in highlighting him when he's not a permanent fixture? Plus, the newspaper they want the story in can't afford to pay me for the story. So, if I can find the time to actually sit down and do an interview, I'm going to submit it to the daily paper in the next town that actually does offer me pittance to write articles, and after they've run the story the local weekly can have the story to run.

So many demands... too little time.

There are days when I'd like to shut the world out.

The barn yard was strewn with twigs and brances from the willow tree after the 100 kph wind storm the night before. Each time there is a wind storm I always wonder if the willow will be able to withstand the battering. Part of it was already torn away after one fierce storm. Fortunately no major damage was done this time.

Gathering the branches I heard soft words: "What will you do when I am gone?" I knew it was the willow questioning me. Ignoring the question I kept picking up debris.

"What will you do when I am gone?" The willow knew I had heard.

"Well that won't happen for a long time," I thought to myself. I refused to contemplate the possibility.

Again the words filled my head: "What will you do when I am gone?" The willow needed an answer, and I knew I must respond.

Thinking for a moment, I finally said out loud, "I will plant some small fir trees so the birds will have shelter in bad weather, as you have sheltered them within your branches, and still shelter them amongst the broken pieces of your trunk. I promise to do this, to carry on your legacy."

The willow was silent then. A promise had been given.

Both the willow and I shed silent tears.

Amazing Brother took his laptop computer to the repair guys so they could fix whatever was causing the EXE messages. They were supposed to back up his photo file, but he forgot to tell them about his text file.

Keep in mind that Amazing Brother knows nada about computers and only uses his for internet access, collecting photos of his friends, and saving his IM chats. So there wasn't much for them to back up.

When he got the computer back, the text file of his chats was gone. The photo file that was supposed to have been backed up was all screwed up. Many of the photos were gone, some were either enlarged, or reduced to tiny specs, and there were photos there he had no idea about, such as Ike Eisenhower. He knows he's never downloaded any of the US presidents so he has no idea where these photos came from.

He had AOL 7 and AOL 8 installed, but when he got the computer back, they had deleted both and installed AOL 4. His Yahoo and MSN Messengers were both gone as well.

The explanation he received from the idiots who "fixed" the computer: The two times he'd taken the computer in before they never completely dumped the hard drive. This time they did. They had no explanation for the botched photo file, and said that sometimes websites will dump photos onto your hard drive and that might be how he got some of the photos he'd never seen before.

Basically, he got screwed! We're going to write a letter of complaint to the BBB and a copy to this store, but there isn't much else we can do.

I've reloaded his AOL, Yahoo, and MSM, but the photos are ruined, and the text file is gone for good. He is pretty upset as it contained stuff from the girl he had hoped to marry. I told him to save them to disc but he said he lost my instructions on how to do it. Actually, he blamed me for the loss of the stuff. If I'd just done what he wanted me to do and saved all his stuff for him this wouldn't have happened.

Sure. Of course it's all my fault.

******

My computer was being tempermental this weekend. I was attempting to backup my own files, especially the photo files as I can no longer obtain these photos. Easily dumped copy to the floppies, but when I attempted to burn CDs I ran into problems. I'd get some of it burned, then the computer would freeze. Had to manually shut down the computer and restart it 12 times!

Today I checked out the Roxio Easy CD Creator 5 that I have installed on my PC. Apparently it isn't all that compatible with my Windows XP. It can do everything from cause numerous error messages, to freezing the computer, to actually turning off the computer. According to Microsoft, I need to purchase the upgrade to Roxio Easy Media Creator 7.

So I checked into this, and the Roxio site has it for sale for between $70 and $80 US. Then I called Business Depot and they have the software, not the upgrade, available for $89 Cdn. If I buy the upgrade from Roxio, I'll have to add in the exchange rate, shipping, and duty, and that could end up costing almost $100 Cdn. Guess I'll be shopping this weekend. Just what I need, more on my credit card. *sigh*

Purchased more RAM memory for my computer. Now I'm terrified to open the CPU and attempt to add the memory. I'm sure it's probably easy, but I am spooked. I want to get those last files backed up first, in case I do something to mess things up.

******

My horse looked very bad on Saturday evening. I thought I was going to have to call the vet on Sunday and have him put down. All night I worried and stressed about this.

Sunday morning GoSauDas was up, eating, and no signs of the shaking and feebleness of the night before.

He still won't eat the kibbles the vet suggested. Since I can't risk him not eating, I've decided to up the sweet feed and bran. I'm giving him three feedings a day now, and he's eating it all. Sunday afternoon I found him laying down, resting. I wasn't sure he'd be able to get up, but when I came back out a couple of hours later he was up eating hay.

Today he's still weak, but still up and eating. If I can keep him fed more, maybe he will regain his strength and be better than he is right now.

I'm not ready for him to die. This Wednesday will be the 15th, and that's always a day for things I love to die. Hopefully not this time. I'm not giving up on GoSauDas. As long as he wants to live, and can stand and eat, I will do whatever I can for him.

******

Upgraded my AOL to V.9. It's not bad, except for the Favourites section. There is an AOL Toolbar Menu Favourites file that keeps popping open when I have the Favourites list open. It's aggravating! I want to delete it, or stop it from opening until I need it to open, but apparently that's not possible.

They've also shortened the window for the Favourites list. I had to categorize my favourites so they would show in the drop-down window.

So much for improvements. *sigh*

******

I can't figure out what CD-Rs and CD-RWs are for. I have been using CD-Rs for making music CDs. Should I be saving my text and photo files to CD-Rs? I don't want to lose these photos, and want to choose the best method for archiving them. Advice would be most helpful.

Please take a moment and read about Kristin MacDonald's "Running For Sight" fundraiser.

Kristin has Retinitis Pigmentosa, a disease that is slowly stealing her sight. She is taking part in this marathon to raise funds for research which might give her back that sight.

So far she has raised $2665.00 towards her $7000.00 goal. Monies raised will go to Retinal Implant Research.

If you can, please make a donation. Any amount would be appreciated.

Thanks.

Early last evening when I went to the barn to check on GoSauDas, he was lying down in the stall. In the wee hours of today he was still down, and could barely sit up to eat. He was exhausted. It seemed like this was the end for him.

I was torn. What should I do? I had made this decision before, for three other horses, and it still haunts me today. How could I make the decision to take GoSauDas' life?

All night I fretted over this. It goes against everything I believe in. A person could leave a DNR order and the family would know their wishes. Animals cannot voice their wishes. Instead they are at our mercy.

In each of the three times I've had to euthanize a horse, I have watched as they fought against what was inevitable. They knew the vet was here for a reason and they were afraid. The injection of the drug is directly into the jugular vein, and that hurts. The drug's effects are quick, but each horse struggled against it. I will never forget that; never forget the look in their faces. It was as if they were begging me to stop, to save them. "Stop this! Don't do this! Please, don't do this!!" screamed inside my head. I prayed this was what I had to do, what was "right" and "humane", but it didn't feel right. It felt as if I was abandoning them.

When Char died two summers ago, she did so before the vets got there to administer the drug. Her heart gave out, and I was grateful that she didn't have to lie there while people, who didn't know her and couldn't possibly feel her pain, took her life. When Sandy died, he did so quietly, on his own. Old age took him. I was grateful. When Dashes died, the vet gave her a sedative first, and she relaxed as she went down, and her heart stopped even before the euthanizing drug was administered.

GoSauDas is aware. He isn't comatose, or in any obvious pain. Do I have the right to take his life before he is ready to release it?

At 8 this morning he was lying down, stretched out. By noon, when I walked into the barn, he greeted me with a deep nicker, and was standing up. As thrilled as I was, I could also see his weakness. He may never get better. But here he was standing, and eagerly eating his grain. Afterwards he picked at his hay and seemed to be weak again. No matter how positive I try to be, there is a creeping resignation that the end is near.

I have sat for hours with goats who were in their last hours of life, but I have not ended those lives. As they have taken their last breaths, I have kissed them and whispered words I hope they will remember on the other side. No matter how much I've prayed, promised, begged, even childishly willed them to live, they have left this world.

GoSauDas will be 29 in April, but I don't believe he will make it that far. He is getting weaker, and the cold doesn't help. Nothing I am doing for him is making a difference. If it were summer I think he could improve. The cold just saps any energy he has, and his legs are giving out. Yet his heart is strong. He is cognizant, and still eats, albeit slowly.

So I have made a decision. I am putting GoSauDas' life in God's hands. If he goes down again, and cannot get up, I will prop him in an upright position with bales of hay so he can continue to eat. I will feed him, and care for him as long as his heart holds out, and when he draws his last breath, I will be there, hopefully giving words to carry him to the other side, to his mother, sisters and father waiting for him.

Born into chaos, it has haunted me.
Lurking, always in the background,
something to be fought.

Seeing death in someone's eyes
long before they knew they were dying.

A little girl leaning over her mamma,
listening to her breathe,
to prove she is still alive.

Many years of death,
ever-present,
no way to avoid it.
Holding kittens, cats, birds, dogs, goats,
begging for their lives,
making promises to "be good"; "do better";
blaming myself for letting them down.

Praying for miracles that never happened.

Where were You?
Why couldn't You have helped?
All that "He is with you in your hour of need"...
just words, meant to placate.
"...it was then that I carried you."
Then why did I feel so alone?

I want to believe, truly I do.
Miracles happen, don't they?

Perhaps I am not worthy.

Once again, I am faced with darkness,
a darkness You created.
It must have been You --
You created everything, didn't You?
Or was it all a lie?
Was everything I ever believed in a lie?

As death hovers nearby
I try to pray.
Try to form the words in my mind.
Nothing.
Any words seem hollow, useless,
ineffective.
Words cannot express how I feel.
Tears silently spill down my cheeks
as I try to go about my routine.

You know what is in my heart --
don't You?
You still hear my heart's prayers?
Or have You stopped listening?

Did You ever hear me?

His heart is strong, but his body is weakening;
the spirit struggling against the flesh.
Still there are no miracles.

He has been through so much.
Couldn't he have a miracle?
Couldn't You make him well again?
More promises are uttered,
but You do not hear them.

So I am bringing it to You,
placing it in Your hands.
It is Your decision, not mine.
I will stay with him, care for him,
whisper to his heart how much I love him.
When You decide to reach out
and take him home,
please make it painless, quiet,
so he will not be afraid.
Can You do that, for him?
It is the least he deserves.

As for me, no worries --
if, indeed, You do worry.
I will go on as I always do.
Somehow I will deal with it,
will still hope,
still pray,
but the words lose their power
in tiny increments
as each painful loss is endured.
I won't curse You --
I still believe in You,
even if you can't help me when I need You.

But I won't make the decision for You,
not anymore.

And death lingers.

GoSauDas is still hanging in there. This past week he was having difficulties sitting himself upright. He was weak and just wanted to lay out and stretch out his legs. The last couple of days he has gained a bit of strength and can sit upright for longer periods. He is eating more grain than he's ever consumed and I've increased the portions. I try to feed him three times a day, or at least leave the pan of grain for him to eat when he's ready. Also left a whole bale of hay in his stall for free choice.

He does stand up, especially to relieve himself and to reposition himself. This last thing is a marked improvement to the way he was kind of wiggling himself into a new position before. Also, his right fetlock is in an upright position again, where before he was right down on the bone.

The biggest hurdle is the cold. Right now it's -16C and getting colder. Tonight it's supposed to drop to -20C. If I can keep him relatively warm I think he has a chance to regain his strength and eventually survive this. He has a strong heart and doesn't seem in any pain. I can only pray that this helps him.

I am fuming!!! Yesterday I purchased Roxio Easy Media Creator 7, at a cost of $90 Cdn., because the Microsoft website said that Easy CD Creator 5 wasn't compatible with Windows XP. I desperately need to archive my saved pictures to CD and so I hauled out the credit card and bought the new software.

I put the disc in and it took forever for the wizard to install the software. Once installed I discovered the damned thing doesn't work any better than Roxio 5!!! They both froze my computer.

So I uninstalled Roxio 7, and today, after successfully upgrading my computer's RAM memory (YEAH!!! I DID IT!!!) I tried Roxio 5 and it froze on my computer screen.

I need help!!!!!!!

Spent a fretful night worrying about my horse. He stood up again yesterday but went down again in the afternoon. Then he couldn't get himself up. He couldn't even roll to a sitting position. He didn't get to eat much yesterday because of this. And he fretted, all night. He kept trying to sit up but didn't seem to have the muscle strength to do so. He kept clubbing his hooves into the stone wall and I could tell he was frustrated.

This morning I was at a loss for what to do. I managed to get his front legs into position using a rope to pull the one he was laying on. Then when he tried to sit up I ran around to his other side and pushed him into a sitting position and held him there with my knees pressed into his side. He immediately started eating hay.

I was alone in the barn and could have used some help but since there wasn't any to be found I had to let him lie down again. I brought two bales of hay into his stall and, using the rope to pull his front legs into position, I ran around to his side and as he tried to roll up I pushed as before and got him sitting up. Then I dragged the two bales, pushing one into his side and wedging the other one between the wall and the bale. With this he sat up and began eating his grain and hay. Even had water.

Then he managed to stand. Oh, how his legs shook, though. I don't understand what is happening with his muscles, but it amazes me that even after being down for almost 24 hours, he still has the determination to get up. He is a fighter, even if his body is letting him down.

After he stood for a bit he got weak and had to lie down, but this time he was away from the wall, thank goodness, and he had positioned himself in the sun. And he was able to sit himself in an upright position for eating.

As long as he keeps fighting, I will fight with him. But he needs all the positive energy and prayers I can muster, and sometimes that's a bit hard to do when I'm so afraid myself.

**********

I am grateful for being able to write about stuff like my horse here. I would have liked to share this with friends on a message board I frequent, but most of them are gone now, and the few that remain are so busy with their lives that my little trials and tribulations seem petty. As much as I'd like to be able to turn to them for support, I also don't wish to burden them or bring them down with my baggage.

So I don't post much there anymore. It's a shame, because it was a fun place for a while. Even so, I don't think I ever really felt I belonged there. I did make a couple of friends, but all that's changed. Oh, the friends are still friends, but the contact has all but disappeared.

The truth is, I think I needed them far more than they needed me. Not having any real in-person friends I could/can share life's ups and downs, it was nice to at least have online friends to connect with.

However, as I was reminded today as I struggled with my horse in the barn, I have to do this alone.

I am grateful for my tabulas friends, but I do miss my other online friends. Everything changes.

We are currently under a Heavy Snowfall Warning and the snow, which has been falling lightly but steadily all day, is expected to increase. Add to that will be the wind, blowing all that snow around. Driving conditions will be wretched tomorrow when I have to take Amazing Brother to work and Maternal Parental Unit to her blood test. I hate winter driving!!

******

I was so frustrated about not knowing how to help my horse that I went surfing online to see if I could find any help. I had done this before, but this time I ended up searching neurological diseases. I may have discovered what is ailing my horse, and it doesn't look good.

Equine Motor Neuron Disease. Symptoms are: fatigue, weight loss, muscle wasting, muscle trembling. Usually found in older horses, especially Quarter Horses, Appaloosas (which my horse is), and Standardbreds. It is brought on by lack of grazing and lack of sufficient Vitamin E. Most of the horses in the various studies were euthanized. The few who were kept alive responded to an increase in Vit.E in their diets, but they never regained their previous health.

I was acutally relieved to be able to put a name to this condition. My horse didn't get adequate grazing this past year because he couldn't walk well with the stringhalt, and kept to the barnyard and his stall. And I didn't make sure he had adequate grain and vitamins. I should have done something about his weight loss in the summer but like everyone else I chalked it up to age.

Today I went to the vets and bought a bottle of injectible Vit E. It has selenium, which is toxic in large quantities, but since his food doesn't have any selenium in it, he should be okay. The selenium helps the body to absorb Vit. E. Last night I took 30 Vit.E capsules, poked each with a pin and squeezed the liquid onto his food. Then I mixed in some molasses, and offered it to him. He started to eat it but quickly realized there was something new added and refused to eat any more. This morning the grain pan was tipped over, but the grain was gone. There was no trace under the pan so I am hoping he ate the rest during the night.

This afternoon I gave him his first injection: 8 cc, given in half doses on either side of his neck, deep intermuscular. If he is lacking this vitamin, if it is this that is causing him to lose his muscle ability, then I haven't anything to lose by going this route.

In goats there is 'white muscle disease' which is quite similar to what GoSauDas is experiencing. It, too, is caused by a lack of Vit.E.

Once I can get him to eat his grain faithfully, I'll go with the powdered Vit.E, without selenium if I go with a food that has selenium already added. If I keep him on the sweet feed and bran, I'll get a powder that has both. I don't want to have to keep needling him but will for as long as he isn't able to stand. The injectible Vit.E is given every 5-10 days, so that's not too bad.

This is the very last thing I can think of to do for him. All I want is for him to be able to stand and walk again. I hope this works.

Merry Christmas to all my Tabulas friends. May you enjoy a safe and happy holiday season, and may your new year exceed your expectations.

Light and love to you all.

Today is a wretched day. The earthquake, the devastation, the deaths... I am worried about my friends in Sri Lanka and Indonesia. My prayers go out for them all.

It is a wretched day for me as well. My beautiful horse has taken a turn for the worse. He can no longer sit himself upright. He is alert, and frustrated. He still manages to eat his hay, but can't manage to eat grain because he cannot sit upright. Same with water. I managed to get my knees under his head to elevate his head enough to drink some water from his feed tub.

My parents think I should end this now. He has some sores on his face from rubbing against the hay in his stall. He isn't going to stand ever again. They say I should call the vet tomorrow and let him go.

My heart is breaking.

Yesterday my beautiful boy died. I will never forget his big brown eyes begging me to help him sit up, and his soft muzzle searching my hand for more apples. It took a lot of the drug to end his life because his heart was so strong. He didn't want to die, but I had no other choice. I prayed for help, for a miracle, but none was forthcoming. And now my beautiful boy is gone.

I am angry... at myself for not keeping him healthy when I could see he had lost weight in the summer; at the vets who chalked up his "condition" as old age instead of trying to find out what was wrong; and at God for not being there when we needed him.

For 36 years I have had horses in my life. Now they are all dead. And I am supposed to be okay with that. I am supposed to just accept it. Yes, I know I did all I could, and I know they had better lives than they might have with someone else. But that doesn't make me feel any less sorrow at their loss. I have lost a family member, and I am not "getting over it" just to make everyone else feel better.

I don't believe in miracles anymore. I don't believe in good things happening for those who believe. It is all just words and they are hollow. In the end nothing matters. Everything dies and no amount of prayer will stop that.

It is over. I am tired, so very sad, and I don't have the energy for anything.

Rest in peace, GoSauDas. I love you and will miss you greatly.