I am Tallulah

Every once in a while someone does something that totally floors me. This week I received an email from Sweet Vocalist expressing support for my weight loss process.

She has no idea who I am. No idea whether I am a flake, a freak, or a friend. Yet she offered support, her email address, and even her cell phone number.

What a caring, trusting person! In a world where we have to be careful of who we talk to, what we say, and who might be meaning us harm, here is someone who still trusts.

There are still moments of bright light.

My computer has been uploading a Windows update for what seems like weeks now. It could never completely upload before I had to shut down and turn off the computer. Finally, today, it completed its process and I followed the helpful little prompts so that it could be loaded to my computer. What loaded was Windows XP Service Pack 2. Okay, I thought, sounds like a bunch of stuff but I guess it's all good, so I did as I was asked and restarted my computer.

Still got that annoying notice that "There is no disc in drive A" that I've been getting ever since accidentally leaving a disc in drive A when I shut down the computer.

Then, I notice this ominous looking little red shield in the lower right hand corner of my computer screen. It was a Windows Security Alert. That scared me. I pride myself in being security-conscious with my computer, and have been since acquiring this little baby. Norton is my security of choice and I've been happy with it. So I was more than a little panicked when I saw the Windows Security Alert telling me that "Your computer might be at risk. Your virus protection status is unknown. Click this balloon to fix the problem."

Needless to say, I clicked. The message was that "Norton Anti Virus reports that it is installed, but its status is unknown." Well, I knew full well that it was on, but I checked anyway. Yes, it was on. So why was I getting this message? More panic.

Finally I went to Symantec's site and after wading throught their "helpful" site, finally discovered that there is nothing wrong with my anti virus protection. Apparently it has to to with compatibility issues between Windows and Symantec. And the fact that my Norton is 2003. Symantec offers almost no online support for 2003. Guess it's obsolete now. So, I can buy 2004 and download an update from Symantec, or I can buy 2005 which already has the compatibility built in.

What a freakin' rip off!!!!

Society places a great deal of importance on being thin. This can result in some people going to the extreme trying to emulate the models they see in magazines and television. Eating disorders have become a dangerous sign of this preoccupation. I know beautiful young women who are certain they have "fat" that must be removed, that they need to diet, that they cannot love themselves because of percieved flaws to their body, and by extention, to their personalities.

That isn't the kind of weight loss I am planning on persuing. My goals are firmly planted in reality.

The reality is that, at 5 ft. 6 inches tall and 213.5 lbs., I am overweight. My heaviest weight was 218 lbs. -- I've lost 5 lbs., and have been fluctuating between 209 and 213 lbs. for months now.

When I walk up a flight of stairs I hear myself huffing and puffing. My face flushes when I do anything physical. Even though I work in the barn, I am out of shape. When sitting, sometimes I can hear myself inhaling and exhaling.

My family has a history of heart problems, high blood pressure, adult-onset diabetes, and obesity. I can see myself walking in their well-worn footsteps and it scares me. I am afraid that if I don't do something now, by the time I am 50 it will be too late.

Food has always been my medication-of-choice. I was a thin little girl, but began overeating in my teens as a way of dealing with the stuff in my life I couldn't control. Over the years eating has become my way of coping. I have actually said: "No one can stop me from eating. It is the only thing I control in my life." Now there is a really positive statement!

I have even binged on occasion. Tried laxatives but they didn't accomplish much. Could never bring myself to purge.

I have an eating disorder. This kind of ED is probably most common amongst overweight people but no one talks about it. Society views it simply as a lack of self-control.

Not that I haven't tried. I've been on numerous weight loss plans in the past but none were very successful and usually left me with unplanned side effects, like poor skin, shakes, and irritability.

Whether or not I will be successful with yet another weight loss plan remains to be seen. When it comes to ME I start out with good intentions but those good intentions always disappear when stress/frustration/anger/etc hits.

I am not counting on a "diet" as the way to lose the weight this time. Instead I am focusing on a healthier eating plan, utilizing a more mediteranean spread with whole grains, nuts, fruits, veggies, fish, olive oil. I enjoy Greek food so I am planning on incorporating that as my new way of eating.

What the Beachbody.com program will offer is some instruction on exercise that I can do at home, equipment that doesn't require a special room to store it in, and maybe some motivation. If, after examining the package, I think it isn't worth the money, I will send it back. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. A lot will depend on whether I can do the exercise in my parents' living room, which is the only place available.

This is the first year I have actually been able to mentally visualize myself as being fat. Before, my mental image was of a slender me. Not anymore. Maybe now I will be able to stay motivated so I can accomplish my weight loss goal. At a very minimum I will be improving my health.

It is harder to find clothes when you are my size. The really great items are all mediums, or smaller, and I am really tired of wearing baggy saggy clothing that covers but do not hide the bulk. Maybe I'll finally be able to throw out my fat clothes.

Last year I cleared out my closet of all my medium-sized clothes. I gave them all away. Even my beautiful Laura Ashley sweater that cost me $170. A friend of mine is tiny, and the sweater looked so great on her. In fact, all my sweaters looked great on her. It was hard to part with them. It was as if I was finally admitting I was never going to lose weight. At least the parting was a little easier with the clothes going to someone who appreciated them as much as I did.

I don't think I'll ever get back to my high school weight of 110 to 120 lbs., or even to the 136 lbs. I was after finishing the Scarsdale diet. If I can lose 60 lbs. I will be satisfied. That is my goal, at least for the moment.

Yes, there are some cosmetic reasons for losing weight, and maybe I am trying to clean up my life a bit. If doing this gives a little boost to my self-esteem after all the years of yo-yo-ing, that will be a bonus.

The more important reason is for my health.

My biggest hurdle: motivation. However, I refuse to indulge in any what ifs right now. Get the program, look it over, if the program seems to be worth keeping, start working at it and commit to it for the six weeks. That is not a long time and maybe if I take it in small increments I will finally be successful.

I am not sure about posting a photo of me at this weight. That may be more than I am willing to share. However, there are some pics of me at my Fotki account.

One final thought: I am not doing this to please anyone but me. That is a difficult statement to make because I spend so much of my time trying to be what everyone wants/expects me to be. I know family wants me to lose the weight, but I can't allow that to be my motivation. I want to look in the mirror and know that I finally committed to this action and was successful. I want to know that I have improved my health and stamina, and maybe lengthened my life. I want to do this for ME.

Rediscovered my ViviCan 3695 in my purse. There were two photos still on it so I uploaded them. Then managed to get a picture of Miguel, so that was uploaded as well.

Really need to sit down and read the manual for this camera. It does stuff but I can never remember HOW. I am not technically challenged, just technically lazy.

Added some photos to my Tabulas gallery. I was only going to use my Fotki account for photos but I can't afford to pay for an account. I wonder why I need two photo galleries. I'm trying to streamline and simplify my stuff. I'll keep Fotki for a while yet. Maybe if I get back into photography I'll use Fotki for displaying my portfolio.

Received my Beachbody stuff today. Eagerly I opened the box, ready to be dazzled by the products that are going to transform my fatty self into a healthy new ME.

Pulled out the diet supplement. Pills for 45 days. Take two tables, three times a day, and because of a mild stimulative effect, don't take at least 6 hours before going to bed. Ingredients: Sodium Pyruvate 3900 mg (which breaks down to Pyruvate 3120 mg, and Sodium 780 mg), Green Tea extract 150 mg, and then a bunch of chemicals, and MORE sodium. This product contains almost an entire days worth of sodium! Way too much in a diet supplement!

Next thing out of the box: the rubber bands for exercising. Three of them, which did not come with the program and were extra money above what was quoted in the infomercial. What is missing, however, is THE HANDLES FOR THE BANDS!!!!! How is one supposed to utilize the bands without handles????

The rest was a cheesy chart to track your progress, and the two DVDs, and a CD for internet access to their site.

If you watch the infomercial, it appears that everything you see is part of the program, and in a way it is, but for an additional price, not what you are being quoted. And if I have to pay additional for the handles for the exercise bands, the entire package will be going back, and a letter will be sent to the BBB.

I am a firm believer in signs. With all the hassle over this program I'm wondering if this is a sign that this program is the wrong path for me? Did I jump to the first seemingly easy crutch to help me lose weight? Should I have chosen something less money? Can I buy resistance bands like they use and save myself over a hundred dollars? I need to think on this overnight before I do anything. I will call them tomorrow about the bands.

.....I'm getting a headache.....

... because I'm about to rant. No, make that R-A-N-T!!!!!

First, the Beachbody stuff. Called their toll free number and asked about the handles.

He: "Oh, I guess someone forgot to put them in. Well, we can send them to you..."

Me: "Don't bother. I just needed to make note of the fact that they were not included in my package when I send it back. May I have an FA number please?

He: "Oh?? Well, why do you want to return it?"

Me: "Let's start with the fact that you forgot to put the handles in, and move on to the supplement that has almost a days' worth of salt in the daily dose of pills and a chemical that will make you feel as if you're on speed. And I just don't want this anymore.

He: "Oh... well... what is your name?

I told him, and he continued with "And you live in Bueford?"

At this point I was remembering the ordering process when the operator couldn't get the name of the village correct. Even when I spelled it. Four times! So this time I just said "yes" to get it over with.

He babbled about putting the FA number on the packing slip, and the package, and getting the packing slip photocopied and sending them the original.

He: "Then take the return label off the packing slip and put it on the package."

Me: "There is no return label to remove on the packing slip."

He: "Oh... well, it should be there... well, I can give you the address..." which he proceeded to do.

During the entire conversation he managed to sound as woebegone as any human can. Yet at the end his tone brightened as he thanked me for my time. I guess he was thrilled to finally be rid of this caller.

I could definitely empathize.


*~*~*~*


Today I had to take my mother to the specialist for a followup appointment. On Monday we mentioned this meeting to her GP and asked whether this was really necessary. He didn't seem to think it prudent for her to go and said if she decided she didn't want to, at least to call and cancel the appointment. Her visit with the GP had been really good and he said he was pleased with her progress.

My gut instinct said to cancel the visit but she insisted on going even though she can't stand the specialist. He treats her like she is a science project.

She worried about the visit all night, but in the morning got herself ready. She even wore a red top to add colour to her face, and wore a necklace which she hadn't done in eons. She was feeling pretty good after hearing what her GP had said.

That didn't last long.

The specialist didn't have her last blood workup on her cholesterol and blood sugar, and kept referring to the tests that had been done in April, when her levels were high. Last visit he had said maybe her heart condition was part of having had rheumatic fever as a child. This time he attributed it solely to high blood pressure. Last visit he went on about eliminating salt from her diet. This time it was sugar. He had never said anything about her being diabetic, but now she should go an a diabetic diet. All this based on old blood tests. He told her that she "wasn't going to get any better and your condition will worsen as you get older."

What the hell kind of patient treatment is that? How can he make such a statement? He has no freakin' idea whether her condition will worsen. If she keeps on the meds and takes better care of herself there is no reason why she can't maintain this condition until the day she dies.

In half an hour this one man managed to completely undermine all her self-confidence, and reduced her to tears making her feel if her health was only going to get worse then what is the point in going on. It has taken me months to help her feel better about her health and this one quack destroyed it all!

I am so angry that her GP hadn't sent him her last test, and I am furious at the treatment she received today. As far as I am concerned that will be the last visit she pays him. Her GP can monitor her condition just as easily and he sees her more often so will be able to know if her condition changes and warrants a different plan. She doesn't need this pessimistic idiot to rattle her cage.

The reality is no one knows when their time is, and regardless of how careful you are, there is no way to pre-determine how long you have. There is a lady on tv, a doctor who does a show about healthy living and who no doubt lives that way herself, and this past week we learned that she had cancer.

I don't want my mother fretting about her diet and what she can no longer eat, and worrying every day until she dies. Quality of life is far more important for her. This quack WILL NOT take that away from her!


*~*~*~*


With sending the exercise program back I am now worried that I won't be able to lose this weight myself. Going through all this with my mother has made me determined to handle my health myself and that means losing this weight so maybe I won't have to deal with heart disease and diabetes.

I just don't know if I can do it. And that scares me. A lot.

Received some very sad news today. Rev. Terry, my minister friend who recently went to another church, lost his brother last night. His brother committed suicide.

Apparently this poor man had attempted suicide a year and a half ago by walking out into Georgian Bay. I don't know the details of how he died last night. I remember Terry saying that his brother had been having emotional difficulties this past year. Then their mother passed away a few months back. I imagine this was the final straw.

I sent an email to them a few moments ago. Weird, I'd been meaning to email them after their move to Kitchener but kept putting it off thinking they probably had a lot to do with the new church and the move.

Please say a prayer and/or light a candle for Rev. Terry and his family.

I drove past your place today. Not something I usually do. It was hard seeing your mother's house knowing she was gone. I miss your parents. Every time I pass their house I remember them, the dogs, the dog hair everywhere, and you, laughing and joking at lunch.

The harvest decorations on the front porch of your mother's house looked lovely. I wondered if you were renting the place out or had you moved in with the wife and kids. That would be the inevitable move. I think about your wife amidst the antique-filled rooms of your parent's home. Will she appreciate these items as much as your mother did? Or will she sell them and bring in her more modern furnishings.

It is hard to believe you have been married for over twenty years. I can never forget your anniversary because you got married the day after my birthday. I remember the wedding. I remember saying I wasn't going to attend, but you talked me into going.

I should not remember those things, those feelings. They should stay in my past. I thought that is where they were, safely filed away, like dusty pieces of worn newspapers full of yesterdays news.

Then I drove past your house.

You do not matter to me. Not now. Not the way you did all those years ago. You have changed, and so have I. You have been married to the same woman for years and she has given you children. Your oldest is in university now. How time does fly!

Back then I always worried that if I let you know how I really felt, I would lose your friendship. After all, you were engaged, and had been for three years. So I kept quiet, kept my feelings to myself. Your friendship meant more to me. In the end I lost that too.

Often I wonder whether you are happy. When I see you, it feels odd, as if we have just met and our conversations are strained. I miss talking to you, laughing with you. I miss being able to call you my friend.

All this I thought about today, as I drove past your place.

Wanted to upload some photos to my Tabulas gallery but many of the pictures would not load. I tried many times with no luck. Haven't a clue why.

So I shelled out, via my credit card, the $30 US to get a premium Fotki account to upload my photos. I've added a bunch of new pictures, but am now wondering why I leaped to pay for a premium account when I'm not making any money from these photos. Maybe I can sell prints and make back the cost.

My photos can be seen here.

I am thinking of putting together a calendar with my photos to sell. I'd do it via my CafePress shop but I haven't sold but one item since I opened the shop. It isn't cost effective for Canadians and International shoppers. That doesn't help me to make any money from my art and photos. This process really needs some serious thought.

Here's a mish-mash of stuff that happened today. Boring as usual, but that's my life.

The furnace guy came to check our furnace and see if it complies with the governments new regulations. Apparently we have one thing that needs fixing, but he said they wouldn't get to it until some time next year so "just forget about it". Consider it forgotten bub.

Then the repair guy came to fix the dryer. Seems we only had cold and really hot air coming from the beastie. This guy was waaaay too chipper for someone who fixes appliances. Guess he really loves his job. I can see why. All that was wrong with our dryer was a blown fuse. Yup, the parental units replaced one fuse but didn't notice the other was blown. After a quick once-over to see if the machine was in otherwise good working condition, he charged $30. For less than half-an-hour's work. Yes indeedy, he loves his job.

I've been feeling a bit ill today. Don't really know why. I've had insomnia again and lack of sleep makes it easy to get sick. Maybe I picked up a virus or something. It is one of those days when I would rather snuggle up in a downy comforter (if I actually owned a downy comforter) and snooze until I feel better. No such luck today.

One good thing was that my CDs arrived. I am listening to Yo-Yo Ma's "Simply Baroque" as I type this. I also bought his Brahms Cello Sonatas. I've enjoyed his music but never actually owned any until now.

One of the CDs is "Oxford Church Anthems" from the Christ Church Cathedral choir. I'm hoping it will be good, but haven't listened to it yet. I like the deep resonance of church music, especially the classical pieces.

Well, I'm going to watch "Hawaii". Yes, I lead such an exciting life.

I love watching "Hawaii". Not just because it is turning out to be a good show, but because it shows some of the beautiful landscape. One day I will go to Hawaii. I may be a little old lady by then, but I will go.

*~*~*~*

When I was backing up my Tabulas I got to wondering whether people saved their comments as well. It seems a shame not to since people took the time to respond. I have been painstakingly copying all the comments to each post and pasting them into the saved posts. One day I will look back and read all this again. It will be interesting to see where I was and what was said. Takes forever to do this, however. I should have been doing it all along but as usual I procrastinated.

*~*~*~*

Am seriously considering switching to ethanol for my car instead of gasoline. Apparently you don't need to modify the car in any way to use ethanol and you can even use straight ethanol. Since a new ethanol plant is being built nearby, it might prove to be a savings in the long run. I'd love to not use gasoline anymore. Ethanol burns clean and is environmentally safe. Just need to find out if the price is comparable to gasoline. I forgot to ask that today. My little pea brain wasn't fully operational this afternoon. *sigh*

*~*~*~*

Wow, I am really loving this Yo-Yo Ma CD! I need to have more of this in my life. Too bad everyone else in the house isn't too keen on classical music. I'd have it playing all the time.

I also need a "Luke Danes" in my life. Sense of humour, articulate, responsible, dedicated, handy around the house, not afraid of hard work, cute, and -- most important -- makes coffee and cooks! Of course, although he likes movies, he doesn't like opera and live theatre so that might be a problem.

Hey, if I could combine a Yo-Yo Ma and a Luke Danes, I might have the perfect man!!

None of my gallery photos are showing up! Even my icon won't show up. Is it just my tabulas, or are others having the same difficulties?

My gallery is back, but I still cannot upload a photo. I know the photo is uploadable because it is in my Fotki portfolio.

Well, I'm sure whatever the problem is, Roy will fix it up. I just love the work he's done with Tabulas. Never thought I'd be journaling on-line, but I love my Tabulas.

If you are using a free Tabulas, please consider upgrading to a paid account. Roy is a student and works really hard to keep this site going. By paying for your account you are showing your support for this fine endeavour.


*~*~*~*


It has been raining off and on the past two days. The sky has been sullen, sometimes even threatening with it's ominous dark grey clouds. Today the winds have increased, blowing the coloured autumn leaves from the trees. It is getting cooler.

My mood matches the greyness of the day. Even the wild birds seem to feel a melancholy. They sit, huddled together in the junk pile at the fence line, the wind ruffling their feathers. Some of them seek shelter under my car, up on the tires. As I walked past the car this morning there was a furious flapping of little wings as they flew out into the soaking downpour. Poor little birdies. There is no safe warm place for you to seek sanctuary from the elements.

Right now I am listening to Albinoni's Adagio. Very appropo to the feel of the day.

Read last night that GC's brother-in-law passed away. He was only 47. G's sister must be in shock. She is now left to raise her two children alone. Very sad, indeed.

Must go do some errands now. Hope it's finally stopped raining.

Finally went into the dollar store in town and discovered a little treasure trove of craft stuff. Bought two packages of art brushes. Nice selection, even if they aren't the really good brushes. I've decided that I don't want to use sable brushes anymore and have opted for the synthetic brushes.

Also on my little shopping trip I collected some "savoury Canadian stuff" to be sent to my island buddy. Just need to find a box and post it on Monday. There is a couple of items still to be added, but I can get that done over the weekend.

Must do some online multi-tasking now.

...wishing you a peaceful and happy Ramadan.

The box of "savory Canadian stuff" has been filled, taped, and ready to go.

I hope it doesn't get opened by customs... not sure if I can send some of the stuff out of the country. None of it has been opened yet, and is carefully packaged, so hopefully it will arrive safely.

Wish I had a transporter. I'd just beam the stuff and it would be there already.

Patience, grasshopper.

When members of the church complained about stuff they needed but didn't know where to find, I decided to run a Wish List in the weekly bulletin. It isn't a new idea by any means, but it's new to them. They need a piano since the other congregation that merged with another church has decided to take the piano in the church with them. (We are still renting their church.) We could also use a filing cabinet for the minister so I added that to the wish list.

Along with the online shop for the church, which hasn't done a stitch of business since I opened it, I have converted a little corner of the church to a second hand shop. Right now I've got magazines for sale, really cheap. Have only sold a few. I want to add stuff to that little corner. The purpose is an ongoing fundraising effort to help offset operating costs. Not too successful right now, however.

Am also thinking of a silent auction. That might net more money, especially if we open it up to the general public. Needs a bit of thought before I go for it. Hopefully I will have details worked out by the board meeting in November and be able to get it going before Christmas.

*~*~*~*

Revisited my Wish List on Amazon.com. I had forgotten the books I listed there before, and ended up listing a couple more. Before I purchase, however, I am going to try and sign them out at the library. If they are really good, then I'll make the purchase.

*~*~*~*

After visiting Amazon, I got to wondering about all the webspots I have signed up to, for whatever reason, and never returned. I try to keep a list of these things, but I know a few have fallen by the wayside. Guess they weren't that important. Even some on my list I've never returned to: the New York Times, Eurekalert, Newswise, Newswise Presspass, The Horse.com, Chivalry Sports Inc., Abebooks.com, Biblion.com, Writers Weekly, Horse City.com, Lightbox 7.com, and most recently Cirque de Soleil.

Then there are the pages of website URLs I've collected since beginning to use the internet some four years ago. (Yes, I am a relative newbie to the net. I've only had a personal computer for three years.) I wonder if the URLs are still operational. Because I started out utilizing a computer at the public library I wasn't able to bookmark the sites so I wrote each one down in my daytimer. The list grew substantially. One day I will have to go through each of them and delete those no longer in service. I made a list of all of them and printed it off in case my computer ever crashed. About six months ago I sifted through the bookmarked sites and deleted some. I feel the need to delete some more.

*~*~*~*

Sometimes I feel the need to erase myself from the internet, especially from those redundant sites. I did rid myself of extraneous email accounts and a couple of websites I had set up that were no longer needed. There are a couple of message boards that I cannot delete because of the way the owners have set things up, but eventually they will be purged by the site owners.

It isn't that I am losing interest in the internet but rather that I wish to streamline things in my life. I am a collector, which in itself is a good thing. However, there are times when the things collected can overwhelm and bury me. That is what I am feeling lately, buried by the things in my life. Not just the tangible items, but the intangible as well. Swallowed by the needy-ness of it all, buried by the demands.

Having said that, there are some aspects that I am craving, like contacts with internet friends who have disappeared. Maybe it is just me, but the friends you make via the Net can seem like such strong bondings. It really isn't that way at all. There is nothing that maintains the friendships, no real tangible connection. You are busy, they are busy. Each of you has a life outside the internet, or at least you should. It soon becomes easy to simply ignore the emails, let things slide, until one day it doesn't make any sense to call them friends. The list of internet buddies becomes one more thing to delete from your life.

None of this comes easily for a collector. When I attempt to throw out something that I haven't used in a while, or cannot remember why I even have it, I will hear that little voice in my head that says: "Please don't throw me away! Why don't you want me anymore?" If you have seen the movie Toy Story you might understand what I am talking about. In the movie they talk about the abandoned toys, left to be rained on, run over, and discarded as if they never mattered. That kind of mindset is something I've had since I was very small. Every item mattered, had a voice, needed to belong. I have a tiny dried up cat eraser that I found when I was in Grade 2, and each time I've thought to toss it, I hear that tiny pleading to be saved, to be valued just a little while longer.

One day, when I leave this world, those who are left to sort through all the felgarcarb that was my life will find that little cat eraser, and all the tidbits of stuff I couldn't bear to throw out. They will wonder at the strange woman with all the junk. Yes, my worldly possessions will be considered junk to most who view it. By then I will have become one with the cosmos and with all the little voices in my head, and we will all belong.

Right now I feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest. Just put up 400 bales of hay in the barn today and my allergies have leaped into action. Breathing is difficult and will be until this clears my system. I would have worn a mask but when I do it fogs up my glasses. Ah well, at least the hay is in for the year. I am truly grateful.

Mother has to have another blood test this week. Her INR was 1.6 last week and the doctor wants another test. It has been there before and then straightened out, so hopefully it will this time. Last week the nurse, a new nurse at the doctor's office, insisted on using using a regular needle instead of the butterfly needle. She said it was a "baby" needle and it wasn't any different than the butterfly. Who was she trying to kid? I have been giving needles for over 20 years to the horses and cats, and I know the difference in needles. I am going to strongly suggest she use the butterfly needle this week because mother's arm has been sore ever since the last test. I think she hit a nerve when she inserted the needle.

I asked the doctor's office for the brand and size of the butterfly needles. Told them that since they are so concerned with the cost of the butterfly needles I will see if I can purchase a supply for mother. That way they won't have to handle the extra expense. Yes, I was being snippy. Hey, it's my mother and she deserves to have a needle that is the least invasive possible. If our healthcare situation is in such dire straits that they must quibble over needles then that leaves me no choice but to supply them myself.

I have been so exhausted today. Only had three hours sleep last night. Last time I checked the clock it was 5 a.m., and I dropped off after that until 8 a.m. when I had to wake mother up for her meds. Knew the hay was scheduled to come today and I couldn't find a moment for a power nap. Right now I am starting to get my second wind. Good thing since I have to pick up Amazing Brother from work at midnight and probably won't get to bed until the wee hours of the morning.

Finally received my back-ordered CD, The Chieftains, Water From The Well. I have wanted this CD for some time. It was well worth the wait. Right now An Gaoth Aneas is playing and it is a beautiful song.

Okay, must go and find something edible, and enjoy Las Vegas on the telly.

I hurt. My back hurts. My legs hurt. My neck hurts. My arms hurt. My shoulders hurt.

Did I mention I hurt??

Thankfully putting hay in the barn is a once a year endeavour. It is hard to believe we used to put up over 1500 bales of hay each summer!

Also got in some grain and salt for the animals today. Bought some black oil sunflower seeds and peanuts. Plan to mix them together into a feeder and put it out for the Jays. Maybe then they won't hog the other feeders from the smaller birdies.

Today was cold, windy and dreary, with a consistent drizzle. I know, it could have been snow, so I am not really complaining. Just stating a fact.

There is still a few things left to do before winter: put the lawn tractor into the barn and take out the snowblower; fasten down the windows upstairs in the barn and cover over the area with plastic; cover the shute screen with plastic; cover the windows with clear plastic; dry the corn that was given to us for the wild beasties; bring down the two old dog houses for the barn cats to sleep in. Still need to make an appointment to take Ulysses to the vet to have his eyes/ears/nasal passages checked. Hopefully he doesn't have any broken teeth. He drools a bit and that sometimes happens with broken teeth. After Ulysses' visit, I want to get the stray cat neutered. If no one will take on that responsibility, then I guess I'll have to do it.

*~*~*~*

I was checking the new catalogue I received with my intro package to the Musical Heritage Society and made two thrilling discoveries. They offer one CD by Albinoni, which is hard to find. Even harder to find: they have lute music! Years ago I discovered lute music when I visited a bookstore and heard it playing on their stereo. I was told it was French lute music and the LP was no longer in print. Fortunately they had one LP of Italian lute music which I promptly bought. Now, in this little catalogue, there is a four CD set of lute music spanning the UK, France and Italy. Cost: approximately $50. My credit card is calling my name.....

*~*~*~*

When I logged on to the internet this afternoon there were 11 emails in my AOL mailbox. Woohoo, I thought, I've got mail!!

Yes, this is a sad illustration of my sorry little life.

I have always enjoyed receiving mail, especially the posted kind that you can hold in your hand and re-read whilst snuggling with a cuppa. I used to have friends who took the time to put pen to paper and one of them used to send me little items of interest, photos etc. When the letters would arrive in my mailbox it was like Christmas. I can remember picking up mail from my post office box (I had one back then) and re-reading my letters at work. It was like a little secret moment amidst the humdrummery of working.

As much as I love email -- and I do love email, I miss those mysterious envelopes and packages. I enjoy the speed of emailing, and even of instant messaging, although I seldom received IM's (mostly from Radar because we're always on at the same time), there is something to be said for the anticipation of a letter or package, of the uncertainty, the excitement of what will be written or sent.

Speaking of mail... posted the package this afternoon. Eeeeehaw! It will be winging it's way to the island by the end of the week.

Okay, enough babbling, must get some coffee.

The church held their roast beef dinner tonight. Hadn't planned on it, but ended up buying three dinners for the parental units and myself. Surprisingly it was good, even though I could easily have forgone the roast beef. For $12 you got four or five slices of roast beef, mashed potatoes, mixed veggies, a cabbage salad, gravy, a piece of pie, and coffee or tea if you were partaking of the meal onsite. I thoroughly enjoyed the cherry pie! Yummy!!

Other than that, I'm done. Nothing exciting to write about. No great stories or deep philosophical conversation.

It is 11 p.m. and I have to leave to pick up Amazing Brother in half an hour, then head out to the barn for the last feeding.

Yup, an exciting life.

This afternoon, on my visit to the local grocers, I decided to take a chance on purchasing a rather delicious-looking cinnamon coffee cake. This was truly risk-taking at it's best. Usually the store-bought cakes look inviting but upon that first bite are dry. You know what I am talking about: that dry-as-sin, tastes-like-sawdust, gimme-a-drink-fast kind of cake that has been sitting on the shelf waiting for some desperate shopper on a cake-bender to snatch it up and consume it in one sitting.

Not so this cinnamon coffee cake.

I was careful to read the ingredients to make sure the maternal parental unit could eat it and salt was waaaaay down on the list. As I had seen these cakes before in the store I thought perhaps, this time, I'd take a risk. You see, I really, REALLY wanted a piece of tasty cake.

After finally figuring out how to open the silly cake container, I took my knife and prepared to cut my way into the cake. The knife slid through that cake like butter! Okay, I thought, this is a good sign. One bite later and I was in cake heaven! It was a delectable moist pound cake with just the right amount of cinnamon, and a light almost maple-y tasting glaze.

Oh, yes, I will definitely be purchasing more cinnamon coffee cake!

*~*~*~*

I checked my buddy list last night and noticed that HK1997 was online. I added him to my list because, out of the blue one evening, I received this IM from him. At the time I didn't know who was IMing me and I usually ignore IMs from people not on my list. So as to avoid ignoring him in the future, I added him to the list.

Right now I see he is on again. This got me wondering: how many people really use IMs? I know the teeny bopper crowd does, managing two or more windows at a go. Amazing brother IMs his friends, as well. I usually only IM with one person, Radar, even though I have others on the buddy list.

When I first got my computer I installed ICQ. I think I've used it maybe five times since then. I usually forget to log on, and even when I do, I never utilize it.

Part of the problem is the protocol of IMing. When I was logged on to ICQ, I heard a knocking sound, which I took to mean someone was attempting to contact me. So I said hello. It was one of my friends, but he was only logging on himself and hadn't intended to have a conversation with me. And that left me feeling like I had intruded into his space without being invited. I hate that feeling. Because of that I never initiate an IM. I am concerned that I might be intruding into their time online and they might be too nice to tell me to go away.

Maybe there should be a book on IMing etiquette so those of us who aren't clued in can make sure we IM with finesse.

*~*~*~*

"If there is any kindness or good thing I can do for my fellow being, let me do it now. For I shall pass this way but once."
~W.C. Gannett

Finally finished the bulletin for Sunday. I really shouldn't leave it till the last moment, but I've felt so lazy this week. And ill. Yucky, really. Just plain yucky.

If you have a moment, check out linders1025's journal, date October 21st entry. If you ever wanted proof that we are not alone in our journey through life, this is it. What a moving moment. And she handled it admirably. (I hope she doesn't mind my pointing out this entry in her journal. It made me smile and I kept recalling it throughout my day. )

This has inspired me to start collecting stories like this and compiling them together, maybe in book form. They are inspiring and we need to hear more stories of inspiration.

Had a totally unproductive day today.

Got up late because I went to bed late -- 4:30 a.m.. I was watching "Ronin" on tv and it was a good movie, in spite of the violence. The movie starred, among others, Robert DeNiro, Jean Reno, and Natascha McElhone. If you haven't seen it, rent it. The car chase scenes are great and the plot really kept my attention.

My horse hasn't been feeling well for a couple of days. He still has string-halt and, complicating things for him, he now has arthritis. Yesterday he was so lame he just stood in one spot and wouldn't move even to reach his pan of food. I gave him Phenylbutezone when I came home late yesterday and by evening he had moved a bit in the stall. Today he seems somewhat improved. I guess he'll have to be on the bute for the winter. I hate using this med because it can cause stomach bleeding, but it is effective for arthritis and rheumatic conditions.

Spent some of this afternoon listening to my CD of the three tenors. I absolutely LOVE Luciano Pavarotti singing "Vesti la guibba", and Placido Domingo singing "Nessun Dorma!". They are my two favorites from the A Tenors Valentine CD. I have never been a big fan of José Carreras, but adore Pavarotti and Domingo.

Now, it is 9:57 p.m. and I still have not eaten my evening meal. So I shall go and see what I can dig up that seems mildly appetizing.

Feel like I accomplished a bit of work today out in the barn. Finally moved the old dog house into the cat's room. It will provide them with a warm place to sleep this winter. It was pretty heavy but I managed to get it lifted and in place high off the floor. This way they won't get any drafts at floor level.

My horse seems a bit better today although he still isn't moving around much. I may end up having to blanket him this winter and maybe even wrap his legs if it gets too cold. I don't think he can wear the blanket I have for Sandy because it's not long enough, so I may end up having to buy him a new one. Yes, I really need that expense right now. :/

*~*~*~*

Amazing Brother is feeling really down today. It is getting close to the time he had to deal with the B**** last year and all that is making him worry again. Will she raise her ugly head and start the problem all over again? Will it finally be over? No matter what happens, this woman has made his life hell, and tried to destroy his reputation. She made a false accusation and there is no way of making her responsible for her lies. Makes me so angry! And it makes Amazing Brother's life hell, still.

He needs some prayers, and some peace of mind.

*~*~*~*

I am really struggling with this weight loss thing. Haven't done any treadmill or weights. Just cleaning stalls and moving heavy stuff. Still not enought, and no aerobics.

Right now I want so badly to eat! I haven't had much today, but eating at 10 p.m. is really not good. Yet that is exactly what I want.

How am I going to stay motivated?

Last night I was most fortunate to be able to view the last 45 minutes of the lunar eclipse.

Earlier in the evening I had received an email from a friend in NY state asking if the sky in my part of the forest was clear. She had wanted her daughters to view the eclipse but the sky was all clouds. That was also the case for me.

However, as I was driving home at about 12:15 a.m., bemoaning the fact that I had not been able to view the last eclipse of the year, Amazing Brother looked out the window and informed me that the eclipse was still in progress. When we arrived home, Amazing Brother got out his super-duper binoculars and all I can say is: WOW!!! What a beautiful sight that was.

The moon was bathed in such white light, but all around the edges was yellow. The earth's shadow was clearly viewed, casting a greyness over part of the moon's surface. Meteor impact marks could easily be viewed, their striations like a starburst across the lower quadrant of the moon.

As I gazed skyward through the artificial eyes of the binocular, I found myself wondering about the areas of dark on the moon, and whether they had been lakes, valleys, or craters made by meteors hitting the moon. In the night sky I thought about what it would be like to fly up through the wispy clouds that occasionally wafted past, to reach this moon that was visible to half the planet at that moment.

Flying used to be effortless, as it is for most children. One only had to let go, feel the lift and rise up, far up into the clouds. Most times no thought was given to flying to the moon. It was more fun to fly straight up then turn and barrel towards the earth, twisting and looping, and pulling out of the dive at the last minute. Zooming over the houses, over tree tops, finally arriving back home, exhausted, and ready for sleep.

Last night I wanted desperately to fly again. Only this time high up, far into the thin upper layers of the earth's atmosphere. There, I would watch the eclipse up close, savoring a moment that won't return again until 2007. It would be just me, the earth and the moon, enjoying something that man has no control over, that cannot be manipulated or harnessed. A moment of purity.

Since that couldn't happen, the binocular-ed viewpoint had to suffice.

******

I almost moved to England many years ago. I was reminded of this when I came across lists I had made of the things I needed to accomplish and put in place for the big move. In fact, it was the second time I had almost moved.

The first time I thought about moving to England was when I was 16 and had just read The Horsemasters, about the riding school in Porlock Vale, England. I so wanted to go to that school, and my parents started making noises about it being a good move. After investigating the possibility I discovered that there was a waiting list over two years long. That, and one had to have the proper riding attire. My parents couldn't afford the expense, so I never got to go.

The second time I planned to move was shortly after I left high school. My plan was to live in London, get a job, and settle in to my new life. I went so far as to contact Job Centers in London, and was informed that the unemployment situation in GB was extreme, but that if I was to come, to be sure and bring my resume and written references.

I bought suitcases, started boxing up my belongings, marking which things I'd take and which I'd have shipped later. All the while I was reading up on what I'd need to live there, saving my pennies, and planning my new life.

Then I lost my job. All the plans I'd made fell through. Family commitments grew exponentially, and the dream died.

Why did I want to move to England? To find myself. My maternal grandparents were born in England, and I wanted to return to discover who I really was. My history originated from those shores, my ancestors are there. Sometimes I feel their call so strongly. My druidic past reaches out, across the big pond, to remind me of where I come from, and to call me home.

Perhaps it is a romantic view of things. I love Canada, and am proud to live here. I am Canadian. I am also British, by ancestry, and that is equally important to me. All of the past has contributed to the me I am today, including the experiences of my ancestors.

One day I will go to England. I will research my family tree, maybe discovering some scoundrel ancestors, or maybe some druid shamans. I will reconnect with a part of me and maybe, finally, feel as if I belong.

******

A fan forum I go to has been shut down due to idiots who think it's fun to abuse the site with bogus information and outright lies. The owner of the board decided he didn't have time to continuously sift through the dolts to find those truly interested in the forum.

This really ticked me off. Not because he shut it down, but because he had to spend so much of his time dealing with this trash.

I was considering setting up another forum for those of us interested in keeping the contact going. We are all trying to have the show released onto DVD and being able to reach out and converse with other fans of this show is helpful. If I did set up a message board it would have to be a free site, which isn't a problem. My concern is how to keep the trolls from infiltrating and causing trouble. I can block them, but apparently they just choose another name and get back in.

What needs to happen is that they are traced and their activities reported to their internet providers. Once the IPs know of their stupidity, they can shut them down.

So much effort needed just to keep out the crazies.

After hearing from the forum owner tonight, I've put the plan on the back burner. He hasn't given up on the idea of a forum but wants to lay low for a bit so the trolls go away.

******

After reading a comment I made in someone's journal, I started wondering whether I should have said anything at all. I don't really know this person, and quite frankly my opinion is insignificant. Were I a friend, a family member, then maybe I might have the right to express an opinion. I am, however, a stranger, and someone too opinionated. I think I am helping, but maybe I am just butting in.

The flip side is that if the person didn't want total strangers commenting then they would have made their post private.

True, but still, maybe I should be keeping my unwarranted opinions to myself. After all, the advice I gave is certainly something I haven't adhered to myself. What right do I have to give advice if I don't utilize it myself. That is hypocritical.

******

This is my very first entry to a community, so bear with me. I am in unfamiliar territory.

I have had a journal with Tabulas for a little over a year now. How time flies! I may be one of the oldest tabulas users as well. I only know of one user older than I am, and he hasn't posted in a while. I am Canadian, but consider myself a global citizen. My passions in life: my pets, environmental survival, animal welfare, theatre, acting, books, art, writing, history. I am a writer and artist. I also work part time as a church secretary, but do not adhere to any particular religion. In fact, I am an oddity, mixing traditional religious mores with druidism and paganism. My belief: if it doesn't hurt anyone or anything, makes your life better, and makes your little sphere of the world a better place, then it cannot be wrong.

As lovely as all that may sound, my life is rather dull and uneventful. So I journal online. Where else can one pour out ideas and feelings and have them critiqued by total strangers. Yet this journalling experience has also allowed me to meet some wonderful, caring, compassionate people. For that I am eternally grateful.

So, if you're curious, do stop in and have a cuppa tea or coffee, and if you could bring cookies, that would be so sweet!

"These creatures you call mice, you see, they are not quite as they appear. They are merely protrusions into our dimension of vastly hyper-intelligent pandimensional beings. The whole business with the cheese and squeeking is just a front.
~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy