I am Tallulah

This was sent to me and I wanted to save it so I'm posting it here.

Two Types of Friends -- Real & Simple

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

Decided to drop everything, jump in the car, and head out to watch the air show from a side-road. Love those spur of the moment ideas! Would have been much better if I'd actually prepared: maybe a couple of lawn chairs, another pair of binoculars (Amazing Brother remembered to bring his and generously shared), some hot tea, a snack or two, and a camera.

The event: The United Way Fly-In, featuring The Snow Birds. There were other jets and planes but they didn't fly tonight. From my vantage point on the top of a dirt mound, using binoculars, I could see the two F-18's sitting on the tarmac. I really, REALLY wanted to see them fly. I should have gone to the airport on Monday evening. Might have caught them practicising, or at least got a chance to get up-close-and-personal with them.

Still, the side-road vantage was nice, especially when the Snow Birds flew wide to set up for each routine. Sometimes the jets flew low over our heads. Needless to say I was thrilled. Amazing Brother, on the other hand, was bored. He doesn't like the Snow Birds because they fly "trainers" and not, as he puts it, "real jets, like F-14's".

Almost didn't go because he was so blase about the whole thing. We could have coughed up the entrance fee and gotten onto the airfield with the rest of the tens of thousands of people who descended on the site. The police had blocked traffic from the nearest side-road, so those few of us who still wanted to see some of the show chose the next closest road.

There were a few families with kids, and their picnic lunch; some seniors with their lawn chairs, and a couple of others who obviously enjoyed seeing the jets but were too cheap to pay the entrance fee.

This is an annual event for the area now, so next year I am going to plan the trip for real and maybe even pay the fee and sit in an F-18!

I have a number of friends who are facing Hurricane Frances and one of them shared the following. It is good to see a sense of humour in dire situations.

Living in Florida

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.

Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows:
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.


********************


To all those living in the path of Hurricane Frances, please take every precaution and stay safe. Prayers are with you all.

Monday is Labour Day, and I feel an urgency to get my butt in gear and get organized. There are things I want to accomplish, and things I have to do, or am expected to do, and somehow I've got to find a balance in all of this. I need to set some goals, get a method of keeping it all straight, and get some ME time for exercising/yoga/chigong/sleeping.

With all the negativity on the homefront, I have found myself becoming overwhelmed by it. How easy it is to succumb to the hashing and rehashing of issues. As much as I love the parental units, I don't wish to become like them.

Only I can fix what is wrong in my life.
No matter what, I am not able to fix what is wrong in their lives.
I can only be responsible for what I do and say.
Pep talks may be necessary, so as to maintain momentum, so I will give myself all the pep talks I can muster.

Another thing I wish to resurrect: my gratitude list. Used to end each written journal entry with five items of gratitude, even if at times it was a struggle. It is a good idea to think of what one is grateful for, so as to keep some perspective.

- Grateful for my family, even when they make me consider making like a lemming and leaping off the nearest cliff.
- Grateful for my pets because they restore my sanity.
- Grateful for the good summer we have enjoyed, with little humidity, lots of rain, and no serious thunder storms.
- Grateful that I still have my part-time job, and my profile job (thanks to EM!).
- Grateful for the few friends who have stuck with me, even when I get moody, morose, or downright depressed.


*~*~*~*


Next weekend is the annual Flea Market. This is a community-wide special event that brings tens of thousands of people to our little community. The main street becomes bogged with traffic, side streets are turned into one-way routes, and vendors and townspeople alike haul out their various and sundry wares to sell to the eager buyers. The event draws people from far and wide.

On my shopping list this year: vintage earrings, especially in pink; a large aquarium for my mice (they need more room); vintage clothes, shoes and hats; small toys for Chance and the meeces.

Amazing Brother and I usually get there early when the gates open, and check out the various vendors at the fairgrounds before heading out to the streets and the myriad of yard sales. We split up and if one finds something the other might be interested in we use the cell phones.

I will need to get the church copying done Friday instead of Saturday. Maybe I'll just do it at the church this time... assuming I can fix the toner cartridge. Yes, I am a Jill of all trades.


*~*~*~*


September is the month for birthdays: Amazing Brother, and me. Must find something for Amazing Brother... he's hard to buy for because he gets too bitchy if you get him something he didn't really want. Simply saying thank you is not in his thought process.

Maybe I'll help him order Battletech books online. He is so inept at online ordering.


*~*~*~*



"The fences aren't just all around us; they're in our minds."
~Chicken Run

"For a man determined to cook the world's greatest omlet, you sure are squeemish about cracking your eggs."
~ 'Andromeda', Tir to Dylan

"Est Sularus Oth Mithas" (My Honour Is My Life)
~"Sturm Brightblade"

Wasn't feeling like working in front of the computer, mainly because I think it's having an adverse effect on my vision [read: my vision is getting worse, it would seem] so I watched some television.

Really liked the new tv show, "Hawaii". Has potential, and some great stars. And getting to see some of the island is pretty cool too. Am also looking forward to season two of "North Shore".

Watch "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", and all I can say is: I want those guys for my friends!!! They are smart, clever, fun, and I could really use a makeover. And Jai, well he and I would spend all our time at the theatre.


*~*~*~*


We are *enjoying* the remnants of Hurricane Frances. Lots of wind, some rain which may intensify overnight, but nothing to complain about. Just looked really gloomy outdoors today.


*~*~*~*


Gratitude List:

* grateful for my health
* grateful for still having a job
* grateful that Hurricane Frances is just a big wind now
* grateful that I live where I do
* grateful for the people in my life

Got a little work in the barn accomplished this afternoon. I've been so totally unmotivated for so long, that stuff piles up. With the onset soon of cooler weather I wanted to get moving.

Since I am never going to have more animals again, and will only be caring for those I have right now until they pass away, I decided we didn't need all the stalls in the barn. Fortunately they are designed in a way that all I need to do is remove the boards from their holders and presto, no wall. With only one horse left, we just don't need all those stalls. Yes, I could one day rent stall space, but then I would have to contend with idiots who don't know what "No Smoking" signs mean. Or those who drop their horses off and never come to do anything with them, leaving me to clean and care for them. Been through all that and don't want to put up with it again.

So I will be removing a few of the stall walls. Not all of them as some are strategically placed so as to create some warm areas for the cats this winter, as well as the one goat still left. And I will be removing the screening and walls in the other part of the barn so I have more room to store shavings. It was always too cold in that part of the barn, too cold for any animals during the winter. Great in the summer though, and I've let the cats have full run of the area this summer because their outdoor run is attached to that part of the barn. Keeps the mice down and it is cooler for them.

Still, making changes like this is sad. It is another ending. Part of me is really hesitant to do this because it really means the end. The end of years of having horses.

I hate endings.


*~*~*~*


Have been hearing about Hurricane Ivan and all the destruction this storm has created in the Bahamas. My prayers go out to all those affected by this horrendous storm, and to those who are still facing it's onslaught.


*~*~*~*


"He could tell by the way animals walked that they were keeping time to some kind of music. Maybe it was the song in their own hearts that they walked to."
~ Waterless Mountain, Laura Adams Armer, 1931


*~*~*~*


"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?"

"Sometimes." For he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

~ The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams, 1922


*~*~*~*

It has been one of those days. The kind of day that leaves you with a pounding headache, an empty pocket, and and uneasy feeling as if something is about to happen.

The Flea Market sucked. Big time. There were less vendors than a year ago, and the large empty spaces were a sign that the Flea Market's days may be numbered. What a shame because it is the only day each year that this tiny village sees any real activity. Everyone gets a piece of the pie with the Flea Market. Locals set up tables in their driveways and on lawns and the town is jam packed with people browsing and buying. However, due to sloppiness the organizers have managed to tick off many vendors, some of whom have been coming to this event since its inception some 26 years ago. One of those vendors is a friend of mine.

She and her husband have had their booth in the same spot for 25 years. Not so this year because the organizers made it "first come, first served", making it a mad dash to find a spot. Keep in mind that almost every vendor comes from out of town, some coming from quite far off. This kind of stupidity on the part of organizers makes it virtually impossible for the long-distance vendors to get their spots. The organizers should lay out the site and book in the vendors as they originally did.

Add to that the fact that the vendors were not allowed onto the fairgrounds until 2:30 p.m. Friday. Sheer stupidity! They should have had all day Friday for setup! Especially for those long-time vendors and those who travel distances to be here. In the old days the vendors would set up Friday afternoons and would be back on site by 4 a.m. Saturday morning. Shoppers used to start arriving around 7 a.m.

Then the Optimist Club, which has traditionally run a food booth, opted for back bacon on a bun instead of hotdogs and hamburgers. Who the hell was in charge of that decision? What about helping to support our beef cattle industry, people? We have local beef farmers who have been hurt by the trade stoppages and would have really appreciated the show of support by selling hamburgers. There should have been some consideration, also, to the very large senior population in the community who might find it difficult to gnaw on some tough piece of back bacon!

If the organizers keep this up our community can kiss the Flea Market goodbye in a year or so. What are they thinking?? This community cannot afford to let this event fall by the wayside.

Damn!! I really hate living here sometimes! The idiots are in charge of the assylum!


*~*~*~*


Arrived at the fairgrounds around 8:30 a.m. today, and after locating my friend, we chatted. Sue and I have known each other since high school and although we weren't buddies, we've always been civil with each other. Today Sue informed me that she had cancer. She was misdiagnosed for about four months before her doctor finally discovered the real cause of her problem. She had been having indigestion and went to her doctor who couldn't seem to pinpoint the problem. Last Christmas she "could only eat an olive the whole day" so she went back to her doctor who finally ordered more tests. They found a tumor in her esophagus, and when they operated on her, they found another tumor in her stomach. After an incision that runs from her navel around her side to the middle of her back, they removed half of her stomach and part of her esophagus. She underwent a month of both chemo and radiation therapies, which put her back into the hospital. Her weight dropped to 98 lbs., which for Sue was dangerous since she had never been heavy in the first place. After spending a month in the hospital she was sent home. According to Sue "they sent me home, I think, to die because they couldn't do anything else for me." Her husband bought her a puppy, and she had her kids around her, and eventually her health began to improve. She says it has been a really slow process but she is doing better. The depression, however, got the best of her and she suffered from crying jags until her doctor gave her an anti-depressant. Sue said "It doesn't make me happy, but at least I'm not crying at the drop of a hat anymore."

I know we haven't been "friends" in the real sense, but we've known each other for over 26 years. This news really stunned me, and I haven't been able to shake it since. What do you say to someone who you haven't had contact with (save that one day a year at the Flea Market)? I found myself recalling the few details of her life that I knew: she had wanted to be a flight attendant but her new hubby didn't want her being away from home so she let her dream go. Her hubby tended to physically take out his frustrations on her during their early years of marriage (fortunately that seems to be a thing of the past and she seems to have moved on from it). She was always a little aloof with me when we were in school, and only spoke to me if she had to. Yet today she was totally different, and my heart went out to her. She is a year younger than I am. I know age doesn't matter when it comes to death. We've lost a few friends from high school. It shouldn't be any shock.

But it is a shock, and so sad. I want to send a note, a card, saying something... but what? We aren't "friends" but we know each other, and I feel the need to offer some words of encouragement and support. Would it be accepted in the spirit that it is given? Or would it be misconstrued, misunderstood, or unwanted? I need to think about this.

Sue said she is currently cancer-free, but she can't help thinking that with this kind of cancer many who were cancer-free suddenly get cancer again and die quickly. She said she tries not to dwell on it, focusing on her family. She had to quit work, but hopes to sell stuff on ebay (she and her husband inherited his father's antique business) and maybe sell at a weekend Flea Market in a nearby town. She said that she wants to live long enough to see her kids have babies of their own.

After making my purchase and preparing to continue shopping, Sue said as I was leaving: "See you next year!"

I'll pray for that.

Things can go too far.
Sometimes, too much is said,
or done.
Even if intentions were good,
sometimes it fails anyway.

It is difficult to extract ones foot from ones mouth.
Not that it would matter either way.
What is done, is done.
No amount of regrets will fix it.

When will it finally sink in?
Sometimes it is better to leave things alone.
To stay out of it,
turn a blind eye,
walk away.
Pretend it doesn't matter.

It mattered,
but not to everyone.
That is par for the course, isn't it.

Better to just let go.
To ignore it all.
It's okay, really, no harm done,
no feelings hurt,
it's all good.

Sometimes it is better to shut up.

For a moment I am removing my mask. I am free to spill out all the stuff that has been building up inside for the last little while.

Feeling a little down today. I've noticed this happens often. Probably because I keep too much bottled up and then it brews silently inside until it spews forth. Yup, I'm like a mini-Mt. Etna, ready to erupt. Many reasons for this, but I have written more about them than I care to, so I am not going to go there today. I will mull it around and let it work itself out.

I did write about a bunch of stuff, but deleted it. The exercise was to externalize it. That having been done, there isn't any point to keeping it. It's the same-old-same-old and not worth wasting any more time on it.

If I don't find something better to write about HK1997 will remove me from his list.

This all has to change.

Right now the maternal unit is "unloading" again. Back on goes the mask. Duty calls.

Got this quiz from Jaycylenne.







find your element
at mutedfaith.com.

A friend in Florida sent this today. Good to see she hasn't lost her sense of humour.

Have a beastly headache, and I threw my back out again. Still, managed to get a pile of bags burned, and another pile out to the garbage. When I say bags, I mean huge paper bags that we get the baled shaving in. We use some for garbage, but they do pile up and I had a stall full of them.

I've always known that burning them has also resulted in killing many spiders who hide inside the folds. Normally I knock off any spiders I see on the outside of the bags. Tonight as I was burning them, through a break in the burning barrel I witnessed a lone spider running back and forth as the heat increased and the flames crept nearer. I couldn't bear to watch and knew I could do nothing to save it. That single tiny spider moved me to tears and I have decided to never burn bags again. That image will stay with me for some time to come. Because of it, I have decided that from now on I'll put the bags out for the regular garbage since they are a paper product and will break down in a landfill site.

I truly wish there was a way to live ones life without ever doing harm to other lives.

I am so angry with myself! I should have done better but I failed!!

This afternoon the stray cat that has adopted us as his new family caught a baby rabbit. As I walked out the door I saw him walking with this small animal in his mouth. I ran down the stairs and he dropped the body and looked at me. I thought the rabbit was dead and went to reach for the cat to pull him away from the body but the baby bunny took that moment to move and the cat went after it again. Three times I tried to get the bunny away from the cat. Then the cat ran through the fence into the neighbour's corn field carrying the bunny in his mouth. My brother even tried to get the cat in the corn field but the cat kept moving away.

I should have been faster, should have grabbed for the bunny first. The cat had clawed away all the fur off the bunny's back leaving it raw and bleeding. If I could have gotten to the bunny first it might have lived, although they usually end up dying of fright.

All I can see in my mind is that poor little baby bunny with it's back raw and bleeding. It's only hope for life was me and I let it down!

Every time I try to do something right it seems to fall apart.

What really ticks me off is the fact that this cat, who was skin and bones when it came here, runs loose when my cats I keep penned in. I did that so as to allow the wildlife to thrive on our property. Now I have this stray cat who is killing them. I am so sick of people neglecting their animals and leaving others to provide proper care for them. This cat should be neutered but his owner is too damned lazy to have it done. If the cat's owners are who I think they are, the poor cat is better off living with us.

I know the cat was only doing what cats do, but I can't help mourning the loss of the baby bunny.

Let me say right now that I am grateful to have made it this far. Truly I am. When I think of others who are facing death at age 17, or younger, I am humbled. I have no right to complain about anything in my life when compared to others.

Yet I do complain. Maybe that is simply human weakness. Or maybe it is my way of dealing with the junk in my life. Either complain, or keep it all inside and go postal one day.

Each of us has our own burdens, and we each deal with ours the best way we can. It is all that is expected of us, I believe. It is how we deal with our individual adversities that helps us to develop our souls. So I bitch and complain, and maybe when I've left this earthly body I'll be a soul that bitches and complains. Or maybe I will be wiser for having bitched and complained, and out of all that bitching and complaining manage to glean some knowledge to carry into whatever afterlife there might be.

So I am going to continue my bitching and complaining. Feel free to tune out at any time.

The Day is over for another year. Never used to dread it. Maybe it's because the number associated with it never used to strike fear in me. Society can be so cruel when it comes to numerical labelling.

Was depressed for most of the day, but managed to keep it to myself. No point dragging others into my malaise. Part of my depression wasn't really about the number but more that I haven't managed to accomplish anything in all this time. What have I become in all these years? I am still living at home with the parental units, although that has become necessary for them. I am still not financially stable, and it doesn't look as if I'll be that way any time soon. No money put aside for my "golden years", and unless I win a lottery, I may be eating cat food with my kitties when I'm a senior citizen. I haven't managed to become the person I want to be. I feel like I've let everyone down.

In truth, the only person I've really let down is me. Others really didn't think I'd amount to anything, save for maybe becoming an artist. I had higher expectations for me than they did, and that's what bothers me most. I know I still have time to make changes, but with familial demands, that doesn't seem possible right now.

What changed my mood were the wonderful birthday wishes. Not from family (who never wish me a happy birthday... I think they are afraid I'll bite their heads off), but from my online friends. Some of these wishes made me cry, and I know that wasn't the intention of the sender, but the genuineness of their sentiment touched me.

Kathrin's lovely birthday post was so sweet. I am blessed to have her friendship, and to be able to "share" Alice with her. I got all teary at her post.

Then there was the lovely postcard from MacDaddy Tatsu and the mention in his journal. Again with the tears!! Tatsu, I really don't feel worthy of your kind words, but so appreciate you taking the time to offer them. I value your friendship and count myself blessed to have met you, even if it was under such sad circumstances. I truly believe it was fate that brought us together.

Thank you all for taking time to offer your best wishes. How fortunate I am to have met each of you.

As a result, tonight, I am no longer depressed. Still don't have a freakin' clue as to how I'm going to get my act together, but I am determined to keep plugging away.

An aside for those of you who think it will get easier as you get older: It Won't!!! Those doubts you face as a teen, as a young adult, may always plague you, but hopefully you will have a bit more life experience to deal with them, and stronger friendships to support you when you fall down and need a shoulder. It's all a learning process, even if does suck sometimes.

As for my age, here are a few clues. (Clues are all you're going to get MDT!!) I am old enough to remember Woodstock, but wasn't old enough to have gone there. I laugh when I hear teenagers say things like "Alice Cooper rocks" because I remember when Alice Cooper was first popular. "That 70's Show" ressurects a lot of not-so-great memories, and some pretty ugly fashions, most of which are back and are now called "retro". All the music I listened to as a teen is now called "oldies". And just for Kathrin, I am four years younger than BN.

Hmmm, maybe I should start a contest: Guess Tally's Age. Of course, the winner would have to have his/her tongue removed so as to never tell a soul.

Writing. Something I've been doing in one form or another most of my adult working life. I've written mainly for newspapers, covering news stories, local happenings, and for a time writing music and movie reviews.

Like everything else, there has to be a market for one's writing. You can write about anything but if you don't have a market to buy your writing, you might as well be writing on toilet paper and flushing it in the loo.

Writing sites abound on the internet and sifting through them all can actually bring on a migrane. For a long while that is what I would do whenever I could get at a computer. I made lists of potential markets, contacted editors, and in the almost two years didn't manage to land one assignment.

All that time I still wrote freelance for a local daily. The topic: our little village and its happenings. B*O*R*I*N*G*!!!!! So much, in fact, that I haven't managed to send them one article in over a year. The last piece I wrote was about the church and it's indecisiveness. Since that issue is still ongoing, and there hasn't been much else going on in town, I've had little to write about. And quite frankly, the whole thing bores me. This village is a cultural wasteland and unless you are passionate about sports, there isn't much else to share with readers.

Readers are looking for so much more today. Not only readers, but editors and publishers! They are inundated with writer wannabees, and don't have the luxury of perusing a manuscript to see if it really has merit. Today they skim, and if the manuscript/article cover page doesn't have some hook, something that reaches off the page and smacks the editor in the noodle begging to be printed, it is tossed aside. Many potentially good writers will never be published because of this.

Experts always say one should "Write about what you know", "Write about your passion." That is the problem. What am I passionate about? Finding the well-spring of ideas that inspires enough passion to put words to paper is a huge obstacle.

I am passionate about the entertainment industry. However I don't want to become one of those writers who succumbs to gossip-passing-as-truth that fills print and visual medias these days. Where is the unique perspective of the industry? What can be said today that hasn't been hashed to death already? Add to that, I live in the boonies, and we don't have an entertainment industry. Kinda limits what one can write about. Even with some background in the industry, and an avid interest, there is really little I can offer to potential print markets.

Perhaps I could write about my pets. Yes, that might be interesting to some, but the market for these kinds of stories is monumental. Everyone has a pet story or 12 to tell. There is nothing unique in this genre, unless you write a book, and the content had better be very special to catch the eye of editors.

From a technical point, I am not a clever wordsmith like some, and much of what I write tends to sound too simple to interest the saavy buying public. That in itself isn't really to great a problem, if the content is powerful, inspiring, or any number of editorial adjectives used to describe those books being published these days.

Have I given up on writing? No, but I feel as if I have hit a dry spell. Somehow I need to write about stuff of interest to potential readers. More than that, if I am going to put my time and efforts into writing the subjects must inspire my words, and must matter to me.

There is another huge stumbling block, and this goes equally for my art: location. There are many really talented people in tiny burgs like mine, and they will never find success. Why? Because no one knows they exist. Understandably there are many who flock to larger centres and the competition becomes more intense. Yet when you live out of the mainstream, you are virtually invisible. Unless you can find a way to make a name for yourself outside the tried-and-true paths.

When faced with all the hurdles, and the gargantuan potential for failure, it is extremely difficult to work up the enthusiasm to stay the course.

So I should just accept the facts as they are, pack in any ideas of writing and art, and be content with where I am now.

Yeah, like that's going to happen! The desire for more is like kindling, burning quietly away, waiting for the right fuel to bring it to a blaze. So my quest is to figure out what I need to do next.

The saga continues...

It is early Tuesday evening and as I look out the window the sky is dark with a low grey cloud bank. The sun is a red orb sitting on the horizon line just beneath the cloud ceiling, spreading a red glow over the whole vista.

It is a winter sky. The temperatures will be dropping tonight as well, making it feel more like winter.

None of this is helping my mood today.

*~*~*~*

Sat in the doctor's office with the maternal parental unit this morning waiting for the nurse to do the usual INR. As I watched the people coming into the office I had a flash-to-the-future moment. If, God willing, I make it to my senior years I will be one of those women who goes to the doctors appointments alone. I will be responsible for my own meds, my own tests, handling all the health issues on my own. Responsible for me, because no one else will be there to help.

Never used to think of those things but as I watch seniors navigating the healthcare system, as I see the support some seniors have compared to the lonliness of others, I am seeing my own probable future. I don't doubt that I will handle it, as I've handled everything in my life, by myself. Still, it is not always a pleasant vision.

*~*~*~*

In the wee hours of this morning I was watching an infomercial about a weightloss plan from Beachbody.com. I had seen this program before but suddenly I had my credit card and cell phone in hand and was ordering the program.

If I can commit myself to six weeks of this program, maybe I can finally budge the weight and get some of my self-esteem back. I am so tired of the yo-yo-ing I've been doing so maybe this is the time to really make a go of it. I am afraid that I'll end up with health problems if I stay as I am, and I can't afford the meds so the only alternative is to lose the weight.

Maybe I'll finally have some energy. Days like today exemplify how bad I am feeling, not so much emotionally as physically. All I want to do is sleep. I am wasting my life this way and something has to change. This exercise program has worked for others, so I need to give it a try and commit to the six weeks. If that works I'll be well on my way to achieving this goal that has plagued me for over 20 years.

Once I get good at the program, I'm going to see about holding classes in the village, for a small fee, to help me recoup the cost of the program and pay back my credit card.

*~*~*~*

The News: Jay Leno is going to be replaced as host of the Tonight Show by Conan O'Brien in 2009. What are they thinking?? Conan O'Brien is sufficient in his own show but his humour is weak and insipid, and he does not have the star power to take on this iconic nighttime position. Why the producers decided O'Brien was indispensible is beyond me.

And one has to wonder why Jay Leno has become the dispensible commodity.

*~*~*~*

Speaking of dispensible commodities: what happened with Craig Kilburn? A couple of months ago he was saying that the show was doing well in the ratings and they were headed to their sixth season. A few weeks ago he announces he is leaving. I planned to watch his last show, but it NEVER HAPPENED! Did anyone see it? Was it just our local television network that pulled the show and replaced it with a rerun? If the producers pulled Craig's final show, were they afraid what he would say or do?

Drew Carey hosted two nights of the show. It was kind of like watching a train wreck: as much as it was painful to see you couldn't walk away from it. I like Drew in improve comedy, and I am eager to see his new show, but he doesn't have the skills as a talk show host.

I found it interesting that Drew alluded to the fact that people behind the scenes were hastily looking for new jobs.

Now I see that Mike Gibbons and Todd Yasui are both back at the helm. Makes you wonder if the whole thing was all about money and renegotiating contracts. Maybe the powers-that-be didn't want to pony up with more money for Craig so he decided to leave.

I wasn't a huge fan of what Craig passed as entertainment during his monologues, but the man does have star quality. Hopefully he will be able to parlay his time in front of the camera to more lucrative endeavours.

*~*~*~*

Apparently Paris Hilton has yet another sexually explicit tape making the rounds. Why is this even news? Let the girl have her romps and to hell with the idiot money-grubbers who haul out the mini-cams and record the trysts. Is everyone so hard up that they have to view the private moments of some barely-out-of-her-teens socialite? What is it, you can't get laid so you get your kicks out of voyerism?

This is another prime example of invasion of privacy. It doesn't matter that Paris flaunts herself in public. That is the Public Paris, and she has a right to share herself in whatever way will advance her personal career plans. It does not, in any way, give someone the right to videotape private moments in her life and then expose them to the public.

For those who think she is fair game I ask you this: would you like it if your personal life was made public? Would you like to be pursued by the press, with no let up, and have every movement you make plastered all over the pages of tabloids? How would you like the private intimate moments with your loved one suddenly available on eBay, or slogged to every scum bag willing to cough up the ca-ching to have their own private copy to slobber over in their little hovels?

There is a fine line between fandom and stalking. Yet every day the tabloid press crosses that line, then passes the blame to the buying public, saying if there wasn't a demand they wouldn't be out their getting this stuff. If society doesn't put a stop to this kind of gutter journalism, one day WE may have to face seeing our own little lives plastered on some billboard, or spread through the internet.

If you feel the need to purchase sexually explicit material there are "professionals" who make their living creating products for the public. Paris Hilton's personal intimacies are NOT for public consumption. Leave the girl alone!