I am Tallulah

Finally set up an online shop for the church. Only have a few items right now. Ran into a glitch that I will check out tomorrow.

The shop is: BurfordUC

It's a start.

My eyes are about to fall out of my head! I spent the last few hours madly putting up new things on the BurfordUC shop Please do check it out. I'd love to hear feedback.

Still have eight items to list, but need to more resizing. I'll hopefully have it done in time for Tuesday night's board meeting when I'll spring the shop on the board members and hope they don't take a hissy fit because "we've never done this before!"

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Missed church today because my back was killing me, still. And the farrier didn't come to do the trim. Plus Chance was not well today. That's had me worried all day. I pray he improves tomorrow.

I did it!! Finally finished the church shop.

The only thing I may do is change the one photo for the postcard photo, which is my own.

Do check out the BUC shop and let me know what you think.

I'm going to bed now. Night all! Pleasant dreams.

Today is the first day I've been able to sit at the computer longer than a few minutes.

Four weeks ago I did something to my back. I have no idea what, or how it happened, but it resulted in severe lower back pains the likes of which I haven't experienced in years. I couldn't sit for longer than a half an hour without the pain becoming unbearable. Cleaning stalls, lifting and carrying pails of water were pure agony. I would do what I could then come in and lay out on the recliner (thank goodness my grandmother insisted on us taking this chair!)

Over-the-counter pain meds were only minutely helpful. I'd had this a few years ago so I knew what the doctor would tell me: get rest, do back exercises and take some pain meds. So I didn't go to the doctor right away.

After three weeks of this agony I finally went. Sure enough, he told me the above, but this time he gave me Robaxisol, with ASA and Codeine. And he ordered an X-ray. Had that done last Friday and was supposed to hear something today. I will only hear something if there is a problem. If not, then the diagnosis is pulled ligaments in my back. Swell!

The meds prescribed ended up making me vomit. Yes, that's really fun when your back is hurting. So I'm back to the OTC drugs.

Sitting is still painful but not nearly as it was. So there is some healing going on. And my brother and father finally offered some assistance with cleaning a few stalls. It only took them three weeks to offer help. They weren't sure if I was "faking it". Thanks guys! I've only been there for you lot every freakin' time you needed me!

But I'm not going to belabour the issue. It's just too tiring to bitch about it.

Needless to say I've not accomplished anything I wanted to this summer. And I'm stressing about the lack of money/bills/my pathetic life.

I'm truly sick of all of this.

Today, however, my back feels a bit better and the numbness in my left leg is bearable, so maybe the back is finally improving. Hopefully I can start to focus on ME and what I need to do to put my dreams into action.

Wish I had something more exciting to write about here, but my life is what it is.

"I y'am what I y'am, and that's all that I y'am!"
~ Popeye the Sailor Man

My back is much better today. Was able to actually stretch (wow, did I stretch!) and could feel the tension being released.

So I went outside and worked in the barn. Cleaned the horse and cow stalls, cleaned cat litter pans, swept floors, lifted boards and cleaned the water that had run down the walls during the last rain, moved boards, bags, bent, twisted, pulled, lifted...... can you see where this is leading?

By tomorrow I'll be paying up for all that work, but it really couldn't wait. Of course I chose the hottest day of the summer to do all this work too.

Was busy last night with moving/reorganizing office stuff and getting packages ready for mailing. Finally got Rohini's package ready. It's only been months since her birthday and it'll take at least two weeks for it to reach Sri Lanka and maybe another week before she gets it. Better late than never. I was so hoping I'd have mastered more than a couple of words in Sinhala by now so she could better understand my letters. Add that to the to-do list.

Between last night and today I feel as if I've actually accomplished something after almost four weeks of inertia.

Well, I did it again. Went outside this morning and pulled weeds in the cat's enclosure. That place looked like a jungle in there and the poor kitties didn't have any place to lay out and feel the breeze. So I bent, twisted, yanked, pulled and wrenched myself until I had all the weeds out and only a few clumps of impossible-to-pull-out hay grass. And I left the one sapling. This fall I'll dig it out and transplant it. The wooden pallets I had put down for them to get them off the dirt are all rotting and a few broke whilst I was working there. Plus the cow has managed to twist the enclosure just enough that the latches aren't catching and I've had to tie the door with twine. Not bad enough that Bella had to actually break the corner post, but with the new post she's enjoying rubbing her neck. It's amazing just how powerful she really is.

After that and cleaning stalls, I proceeded to weed two gardens. Managed to get a nice handful of stinging nettle. Of course I couldn't find any of the plant that can be applied as a poultice to neutralize the nettle so my hand is all swollen, sore and prickly. I actually had been wearing gloves but took them off because some of the weeds around the hen-and-chicks were so small I couldn't grasp them with gloves on. Didn't even see the nettle until I'd grasped it. Second time this year I've done that.

Right now I'm stiff, achy, and have a headache. But I did managed to get something accomplished.

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It's been some time since I had a really disturbing dream. You know the kind: ones that stay with you when you wake, and follow you around all day, messing with your mind. Well, a few weeks ago I had one of those dreams. I don't recall all the details now but the part I do recall is unsettling.

In the dream my parents were both quite ill. My brother was totally consumed with his internet friends and their issues so he wasn't available to my parents, leaving me to deal with them. My dad seemed to have something wrong with his stomach. Mom was the heart.

At various times I'd hear something hit the house. Just one bang on a wall, but it was quite loud and jolting. I'd look out the window and at first not see anything, but then would notice a black shrouded figure standing there, back turned to the house. I would close the curtain. Some time later another bang would resound, on another wall. Again I'd look out to see the shrouded figure, still standing there, back to the wall. I began to be worried. I wouldn't let the figure in the house and I wouldn't go outside to confront it. After many thumps to the house I finally got angry. I stood very still, and summoned all the energy within me, raising my hands and pushing the energy outward, as if shoving someone away. The thumping on the house ended.

The next part of the dream saw me walking my cow down the streets of town. I held her with a chain around her neck, and walked. Now there's no way THAT would ever happen because a mere chain would never control her. I know where that part of the dream comes from and it's simply a downloading of images from the day before.

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The minister's last service will be this Sunday. There was a really good writeup on him in this week's local newspaper. He didn't hold back on his comments and that is good. Too bad he hadn't been more open and vocal before this. However, it probably wouldn't have made any difference.

I am unsure whether I'll go to the service. I hate goodbyes and always avoid them. Still have to write my letter to him and his wife, and I still haven't found the appropriate words.

If it wasn't for so desperately needing my p/t job with them, I'd probably not have anything more to do with the church. Years ago I stopped attending services because of the hypocracy of organized religion. I thought it would be different this time, but it isn't. Things never change. Organized religion has many flaws and I'm not sure it's for me. That doesn't mean I don't believe in God/Jesus/the basic teachings. I just can't embrace a group that treats their spiritual leader the way this group has. And I don't see much difference in the rest of the UC of Canada. Asking for help nets one the same pat, albeit unusable, answers that they always dish out. There is very little guidance available. I am really sick of the platitudes and smiles that follow. It all seems so phony.

However I do need their job for as long as they offer it. So I will fundraise for them, and pray that I can raise enough money to keep myself employed. Kind of like funding your own employment. Hopefully the fog will clear from my tiny befuddled brain and some new creative artistic endeavours will reveal themselves to me so I can finally free myself from this energy-sapping environment.

I must continue to walk in faith and trust that I am walking the right path.

Since I have already asked HK1997 his three questions I am honor bound to post this here. All I ask is that you be kind.

Everyone who reads this may ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want. Then go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing others, including myself, to ask you three questions.

Another goodbye.

Knew it would be sad, but didn't realize just how much.

It only matters to me.

I saw this on a message board and thought it might be an interesting exercise here. It's a fun way to get to know people.

The process: match something about yourself with each letter of the alphabet. Some letters may be difficult so feel free to be creative.

So, go to your journals and give it try, if you dare.

Here is my contribution:

A - Artist. I've wanted to be an artist for as long as I can remember.

B - Brother. Mine is the bestest brother in the whole world and I am so blessed to have him.

C - Compassion. I have been blessed with a compassionate nature and, although it can be a burden, I wouldn't have it any other way.

D - Druid. This part of my ancestry calls to me, and inspires my system of belief. Not the modern druidry, but the old, that held a symbiotic relationship with the earth.

E - Expressive. Thankfully I am able to express myself and my beliefs through a number of ways, and am always searching for new methods.

F - Family. My parents, brother, pets, and my global family which I am so grateful to have in my life.

G - Grandpa. I only have a small memory of him, of the day I told my mother and grandmother that he was going to die. He is the one person in my entire family that would have accepted me as I am, unconditionally.

H - History. Loved studying it in school and would loved to have gone to university to immerse myself in it. I am also interested in discovering my own family history since most of it has been lost over the years.

I - Intense. I can be very intense at times, especially if there is an issue about which I am passionate. However, my intensity can sometimes border on moodiness.

J - Journey. One day I will live in England. I also want to see Ireland, Scotland, New Zealand, and Venice.

K - Kindred spirits. I am so very fortunate to have found kindred spirits. They brighten my life immensely.

L - Longing. There is a part of me that longs for something, but I haven't discovered what that is yet.

M - Movies. Along with music, movies entertain, inspire, and sustain me. I love sitting in the darkness losing myself in a good movie. There was even a time when I wanted to be IN the movies. The whole process, including the business part of it, excites me as does the growing creativity of the industry.

N - Non-conformist. I am definitely that! I have always walked my own path, and will continue to do so.

O - Open-minded. Have always been this way, in spite of where I live, parental interferences, and societal boundaries. I make my own decisions and that has caused me endless problems. Those who live in small towns will understand what I mean.

P - Pets. From the day I was born I've had pets in my life. They have been my saving grace, and have given their love freely, even when I've been snotty and impatient with them. I miss those that have passed away and think of them daily.

Q - Quest. Always searching, always asking. There is so much I don't know and so much I want to learn.

R - Respect. I give it, often before it's been earned. However, if you disrepect the environment, animals, my family, friends, or me, all bets are off.

S - Spirituality. I work for a church, but I can't commit to any particular religion. My spirituality is not bound by religion. There is positives in most religions and I prefer to embrace the positives.

T - Trust. To me trust is more important even than love. If you lose trust in someone, no amount of love will save the relationship. I have trouble giving trust.

U - Unique. I was first told I was unique in high school and I hated that. Over the years I have come to embrace my uniqueness. It makes me 'ME'.

V - Vocal. Oh, my, but I can be vocal when there is an issue in which I strongly believe. I have raised my voice a number of times, and have faced the backlash from it. There comes a time when we have to speak up when we believe in something.

W - Wildlife. This is a passion of mine, along with conservation. We share this planet with many other life forms and must become more responsible and accountable for the damages we do.

X - EX-ample. How's that for creative! I believe in leading by eXample, not just lip service. It's hard, but when you live your life as best you can, that spreads to those around you, and beyond.

Y - Yoga. I really need to learn yoga, especially viniyoga (sp?). I don't want anything too physical because I'm not that limber.

Z - Zaftig. That's me!!

Spent most of this afternoon, along with a friend, trying to offer support and advice to a young girl who cuts herself. She posted on a message board we go to and this afternoon we convinced her to join us in a chat room and tried to offer her some alternatives, including some toll-free phone numbers to help groups. She finally said she would give one of the numbers a call tonight, so I really hope she does.

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Yesterday I finally took all the pennies, nickles and dimes I had saved up and rolled, and converted them to paper money. Then went to town to look for a VCR. The one I had wasn't compatible with the new television. I had wanted a VCR/DVD player but when I got to the store they were sold out. So I checked out the really small, lightweight VCR and decided to get that one. Along with it I bought a DVD player. They are both so small and light! But they work!! I am elated!

After hooking them up I sat down to enjoy Solaris. I had bought this DVD a year ago, even though I didn't have a player. Finally got to enjoy it last night.

I understand why it didn't do well at the theatres. It was way over the heads of most average theatre-goers. Too essoteric for them. I loved it!

There was a poem in the movie that I had heard years ago but forgotten. Now I am eager to read Dylan Thomas' poems. Whilst I question Thomas' belief that unicorns are evil, the basic meaning of the poem is moving and powerful. The first part of the poem is most connected to the movie.

And Death Shall Have No Dominion
by: Dylan Thomas

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.

Blame MacDaddyTatsu for these.

I AM 52% TORTURED ARTIST! Art is significant in my life, people are scum but I have the capacity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and I will either forget about art or hate the world. Take the TORTURED ARTIST test at Fuali.com

I AM 9% WHITE TRASH! I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box. Take the WHITE TRASH test at Fuali.com