I am Tallulah

**Thanks to Jaycylenne for this one

You're The Mists of Avalon!

by Marion Zimmer Bradley

You're obsessed with Camelot in all its forms, from Arthurian legend
to the Kennedy administration. Your favorite movie from childhood was "The Sword in
the Stone". But more than tales of wizardry and Cuban missiles, you've focused on
women. You know that they truly hold all the power. You always wished you could meet
Jackie Kennedy.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Inertia: Physics property of matter by which it continues in its existing state of rest or motion unless an external force is applied; inertness, lethargy; tendency to remain unchanged.

My life.

****************************************

This was supposed to be a place where I could write out all the stuff in my head, where I could deposit the things I can't say outloud, where I could vent.

Somehow it all became too much to express. Too convoluted, too twisted ... like my dreams.

I'm a writer. I'm supposed to be able to express myself in the written word.

Blah, blah, blah.

Perhaps some things are better left unwritten.

****************************************
For posterity, a brief recap:

Mother had a setback. The damned doctors/pharmacists never told her that taking grapefruit in any form would compromise her meds. She was sipping grapefruit juice to help ease the persistent cough she now has to deal with due to the meds, and ended up with stomach pains so bad she thought she was dying. Her blood pressure went up to over 200, and all the doctor said is "Oh, you shouldn't take grapefruit when taking the high blood pressure medication." Well thanks a hell of a lot, you freakin' idiot! And we're trusting her life to YOU?????

The minister has been pursued by another church, one that offers him so much more than this one ever could. He has one more interview before knowing if the job is his. He and his wife are already packing.

What will happen to my job remains a mystery. If it ends I will have no choice but to declare personal bankruptcy. Yeah, this is where I envisioned my life would be at this point in time.

The rest of it isn't worth the time to write down...................

****************************************

Please visit my online shop, and support a struggling artist.
Tallullahspeaks

Also check out our church fundraiser shop: BurfordUC

If that's not enough shopping, check out MacDaddy Tatsu's shop: Myxis

And one more thing: Please pay for your Tabulas Account! Roy can't be expected to shoulder the financial burden of this great journal site all on his own. Show your support by paying for your journal.

A sigh of relief today, albeit a small one.

Mother's doctor's appointment was good. Her bp was 130/76, and he was happy with this. A far cry from the over 200 from last week. She lost a quarter of a pound and two inches from her girth. These are all good signs. The doctor felt she is doing much better.

If only something could be done for her state of mind. That's something beyond my help. I can only hope that what she is working through is normal for those who have been diagnosed with CHF, and that she will eventually work through it. The problem is that her personal life is so empty and she has nothing to look forward to. Only looking back, and the past is filled with ghosts that continue to haunt.

I guess we all have ghosts.

****************************************
Dreamt that I was sitting in my car, outside the post office, at night. My brother had taken the key and gone into the post office to pick up the mail from the postal box. While he was there a group of young guys came out of the darkness and were fighting with another guy. They were beating the hell out of this guy and he was on the ground. As usual there were no police around. I wanted to get out of the car but didn't have anything to use to scare them away. I also was afraid my brother would come out of the post office and they would attack him. Knowing him, he would defend me and the poor wretch lying on the ground. So I stayed in the car hoping that they would leave and then I could help the guy on the ground. While sitting there they got a chain, attached it to the guy on the ground and then to the underside of my car. I think they didn't know I was in the car. The plan was that whoever owned the car would get in, unaware of the person under the car, drive away dragging the person behind. Then they left the scene. My brother came out and got in the car. Instead of leaving I called the police (I suddenly had a cell phone) and they came. The poor slob was still lying under the car, attached with chains. Then I woke up.

At least it wasn't one of my more 'colourful' dreams.

****************************************
I know my insomnia/restless dreams are a direct result of my personal dilemmas and family issues. Knowing that, and fixing it, are two different things.

One thing I have also become acutely aware of is that I have wandered away from my core beliefs. I am allowing my internal energies to be drawn from me, with no time to re-energize. I am a willing participant in this, freely giving my energies to those in need. Yet I need to remember to recharge, to strengthen my chi.

I have let politics at the church intrude into my space. This particular realization reminded me of why I shunned organized religions for so many years. I have no way of knowing what will happen to my job. Perhaps they will continue to need someone to do the clerical stuff the minister was doing. I know they have given me the Roll, Burial records and eventually the marriage/baptism records to handle. So maybe things will work out.

Inside I feel I have lost faith in my guiding spirit. Maybe not absolutely losing faith, but challenging my strength of convictions. I need to reconnect with the spirits of my ancestry, with my heritage, with my beliefs.

I've managed to begin an exercise regime. We now have a motorized treadmill, and I've been walking daily, 2.6+ miles per day. I missed today but that's okay. Walking is one thing I can do for me. A tiny beginning.

****************************************
It's easy to BE supportive of those you care about, but difficult to ASK for support. I can't ask. I hate even talking about my issues to friends. One thing I worry about is that my continued uncertainties are putting a strain on friendships. So I try to keep it to myself. Then I'm accused of being "distant", "unfriendly", "moody". Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

All I can offer is this: if you consider yourself my friend, you have to accept me as I am, issues and all. My complexities make me who I am and, hopefully, that's why I am your friend.

Now, if only the people who NEED to see this could actually see it. Regardless, I needed to externalize it and so there it is.

I am tired. It's hot (too damned hot for this time of year) and I still have miles to go before I sleep.

Safe journey to you all.

Didn't exercise today. Actually, haven't now for four days. I know I need to, and it would probably help with this weird feeling I'm carrying around, but just didn't get my lazy toosh in gear. Well, no point belabouring the issue. What is it Scarlett O'Hara always said? "Tomorrow is another day!"

****************************************
So what is the weird feeling I referred to above? Hmmm, I guess you could call it 'edgy'. Like I'm waiting for something.

Could be I'm just anticipating my p/t job going on hiatus for the summer. Just this month and June, then off for July and most of August. Hopefully I'll have enough $$$$ put aside to cover my credit card!

That's another reason why I'm so edgy -- my credit card balance is enormous! The total debt of a third world country!! It's going to take me 5 years to pay it off at the rate I'm going -- okay, okay, breathe.... let's not start hyperventilating.....things will take care of themselves.....let it go..........................

****************************************
I've been trying to find info on a television program I watched as a kid. The show is called Follyfoot. I was totally besotted by this show and watched it faithfully, even holding my little tape recorder to the television so I could tape an episode. I finally found info on the web, including a new website and message board. Seems I'm not the only one desperate to obtain the episodes on dvd. There are others who loved the show as much as me. We are hoping to convince Yorkshire Television to release the show on dvd, or allow someone else to purchase the rights to do so. Three of us have tried independently to contact anyone we could think of to get the episodes, but to no avail. We'd actually like to get the actors who were on the show to support us in our quest. However, contacting them is difficult. I wish I knew how to find out who their agents are so we could contact them that way. I know that information is available, but I think you have to be 'on the inside' to have access to it.

****************************************
My brother loaned me his CD of "Secret Garden: Songs From A Secret Garden". I am totally enchanted by this music! The music fills my soul and seems to reach some long-lost part of my ancestry. For the last three days I've had it playing whilst I work at the computer, listening to it over and over again. It's haunting, pensive, sad, beautiful. If you enjoy classical, celtic or new age instrumental music, you will probably enjoy this CD.

Risk

To laugh ... is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep ... is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out ... for another, is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings ... is to risk exposing our true self.
To place ... your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk loss.
To love ... is to risk not being love in return.
To live ... is to risk dying.
To hope ... is to risk despair.
To try ... at all is to risk failure.
But to risk ... we must, because the greatest hazaard in life is to risk nothing.

~ Leo Buscaglia

****************************************

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Live the life you've imagined."
~ H.D. Thoreau

****************************************

Finally got a copy of a movie that I thought was incredibly inciteful, despite it's simplistic imagery. "Chicken Run" was, in my humble opinion, one of the best films made and one that has been sadly overlooked. Forget for a moment that it's animation and at times humourous. Listen to the dialogue. The writers actually had a clue! I was so moved by this movie. My favourite lines:

"The fences aren't just all around us,
they're in our minds."

"The chances of us getting outta here are a million to one.

Then there's still a chance."

If you hadn't paid attention to "Chicken Run" when it appeared on the big screen, get the video and watch it again. Listen to what they are saying, hear the thoughts behind the words.

****************************************
I keep notebooks for jotting down ideas, favourite lines from poems etc, and anything else that comes to mind. Today I re-discovered one such notebook and was amused at a couple of poems, written last year.

Poetic Ponderance

I've pondered low, I've pondered high;
I've pondered gazing at the sky.

I've pondered this, I've pondered that;
I've pondered while I wore a hat.

I've pondered up, I've pondered down;
I've pondered sitting on the ground.

I've pondered fish, I've pondered stew;
I've pondered why and pondered who.

I've pondered black, I've pondered white;
I've pondered day and pondered night.

I've pondered from the time I rise;
I ponder 'till I've bloodshot eyes.

I even ponder in the buff,
Although the is a wee bit rough.

I've pondered big, I've pondered small;
I've pondered short and pondered tall.

I've pondered anthills in the sand;
I've pondered hangnails on my hand.

I've pondered blue, I've pondered red;
I've pondered voices in my head.

I ponder plans, I ponder schemes;
I even ponder in my dreams.

I ponder Spring, I ponder Fall;
I'll ponder anything at all.

But now I think I'll go away
To ponder more another day.

~~~ooo~~~

Ruminations

"Go ruminate," she slyly said.
She knew it would be hard
to ruminate a clever rhyme
unless I was a bard.

I ruminated every word
that rhymes with 'ruminate'.
Wish I could find a way to use
the word 'regurgitate'.

Ruminations in my head
left me feeling daunted.
I ruminated ruminations
until my mind it haunted!

Then a tiny lightbulb
went on inside my head.
I've ruminated enough on this,
Now it's time for bed.